back from the cabin

who is this person that i've become?
part someone i'd like to know, part someone i hate, part someone i've never been able to understand

i keep trying to figure out how i can improve myself, and then i realize so much has stayed the same, that so many pressures, anxieties, and figures in my life are the same...bigger, smaller, or changed somehow but the same

and then i think of the things i've gained...the people i've begun to love
and i feel bad, because i'm still dealing with not being able to feel certain emotions, with not wanting to

i realize now that i relate to Oz/werewolves because they fight to control something just like everyone...but i feel that my darkness is darker than it ought to be...that it could destroy much more than myself
and i wonder if i shouldn't leave, and whether that instinct to leave is just the product of my contrariness
of my need to stay
of my want to have something i've never been able to understand, a family, something that i once had and hated, soemthing i'd like to make my own, to recreate but start over

bloomington's probably a good chance

but for now, i feel worthless, useless...without friends, a person cannot feel secure...there are no hands that i trust enough to catch me when i fall

and the stairs seem much steeper than before