musing, perhaps foolishly, even cheesily

i am sitting in beaner's on liberty, just next to the michigan theater, with my sister sara listening to bad jazz
but she has head phones on and is belligerently working on where she will do her rounds for the next year, occasionally calling her friend to check whether she is okay with sara's choices
i am trying to keep it together
it being me
i feel much calmer after taking some anti anxiety pill, i sometiems fail to realize how much stress gets in the way of my being me, how much it just overwhelms my senses, until all that i can feel is a great big weight on my chest, like a ghoul or a demon summoned from the depths of space and time

i am dreaming of waking up somewhere with hard wood floors and lotsof space, sun shining through the window and i know that someone is coming, someone will soon be here, but i have just enough time to take a shower and put on my new shirt, time enough to breathe and watch the bird's song as it drifts in through the window, time enough to think about which graduate school i would love the best to go to, which adventure i will take on next

it's an actionadventure world and i'm an adventure kinda guy, it's the action that's troublesome, i cannot seem to pull away, to let go of the desire to be safe, to be alone, to let everything fall away because i am scared of it going wrong

i am so scared that it will all go wrong, and normally that fear paralyzes me, keeps me from saying what i'm thinking, keeps me from doing what i know i need or want to do, keeps me still even when the most peaceful thing i could do is to move

i don't know who i am right now
but i think i like him better

hapyu nyu yeahhh!! (stated in a faux japanese accent)

remember this time, to make the time enough

just remember you called it all bs....

TILLY AND THE WALL MAKE MY LIFE LIVEABLE

"just remember you called it all bullshit
well it isn't if you stop giving into it
you can walk away"

but seriously

i am listening to the newest album and i swear to fucking god it's the only thing that keeps me going with all the bs and money and capitalist motherfuck and everyone being so far away and things just getting worse and worse in terms of the fate of the world and the clarity of my own desires/goals and fuckall

"all the cracks you see can be repaired
and if you start to fall
we will be there"

now alls i gotsta do is find a we to be catchin me
volunteers?
(he says only sarcastically because he knows you care
after all you're reading this bs, eh?)

juswannabesomeoneelse

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i'm choking at the saddle


i think i blew it



thinkihateitithinkilikeitthinkitasteit

feeling fine
i'm feeling patient

tugging at the seatbelt





youwillruyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwill
runyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwill
i know that the forest is frightening, and the trees they look so scary
and the world really is on fire, and it burns

but i'm here beside you, christmastimeishere, and we can hold the ghosts at bay

listen

currently, i'm listening to indigo girls - despite our differences
and when i was finishing the first two apps i had to finish,
i was listening to
the sam roberts band - we were born in a flame
what are YOU listening to? (ie comment!)