musing, perhaps foolishly, even cheesily

i am sitting in beaner's on liberty, just next to the michigan theater, with my sister sara listening to bad jazz
but she has head phones on and is belligerently working on where she will do her rounds for the next year, occasionally calling her friend to check whether she is okay with sara's choices
i am trying to keep it together
it being me
i feel much calmer after taking some anti anxiety pill, i sometiems fail to realize how much stress gets in the way of my being me, how much it just overwhelms my senses, until all that i can feel is a great big weight on my chest, like a ghoul or a demon summoned from the depths of space and time

i am dreaming of waking up somewhere with hard wood floors and lotsof space, sun shining through the window and i know that someone is coming, someone will soon be here, but i have just enough time to take a shower and put on my new shirt, time enough to breathe and watch the bird's song as it drifts in through the window, time enough to think about which graduate school i would love the best to go to, which adventure i will take on next

it's an actionadventure world and i'm an adventure kinda guy, it's the action that's troublesome, i cannot seem to pull away, to let go of the desire to be safe, to be alone, to let everything fall away because i am scared of it going wrong

i am so scared that it will all go wrong, and normally that fear paralyzes me, keeps me from saying what i'm thinking, keeps me from doing what i know i need or want to do, keeps me still even when the most peaceful thing i could do is to move

i don't know who i am right now
but i think i like him better

hapyu nyu yeahhh!! (stated in a faux japanese accent)

remember this time, to make the time enough

just remember you called it all bs....

TILLY AND THE WALL MAKE MY LIFE LIVEABLE

"just remember you called it all bullshit
well it isn't if you stop giving into it
you can walk away"

but seriously

i am listening to the newest album and i swear to fucking god it's the only thing that keeps me going with all the bs and money and capitalist motherfuck and everyone being so far away and things just getting worse and worse in terms of the fate of the world and the clarity of my own desires/goals and fuckall

"all the cracks you see can be repaired
and if you start to fall
we will be there"

now alls i gotsta do is find a we to be catchin me
volunteers?
(he says only sarcastically because he knows you care
after all you're reading this bs, eh?)

juswannabesomeoneelse

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i'm choking at the saddle


i think i blew it



thinkihateitithinkilikeitthinkitasteit

feeling fine
i'm feeling patient

tugging at the seatbelt





youwillruyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwill
runyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwill
i know that the forest is frightening, and the trees they look so scary
and the world really is on fire, and it burns

but i'm here beside you, christmastimeishere, and we can hold the ghosts at bay

listen

currently, i'm listening to indigo girls - despite our differences
and when i was finishing the first two apps i had to finish,
i was listening to
the sam roberts band - we were born in a flame
what are YOU listening to? (ie comment!)

another quizy thing

to knit, to breathe

i've knitted 3 scarves in almost 3 weeks
and here's number 4

happy holidays

still recovering from thanksgiving
...
it's astonishing how one really does need a day or two just to recover from 'vacations', especially when they involve family

i just put up my christmas tree
i was remembering when my parents bought the tree for me two years ago
i came home and found this tree with the lights on sitting in my entryway. at first, i was pissed, thinking daphna had moved my stuff and bought a tree i couldn't afford to give electricity to and which was too tacky for my tastes. then she said it had been there when she got here, so i called my parents. i had told them the day before not to buy me a christmas tree unless they could find one for 10 bucks, thinking they could never find one so cheap. but they tell me that of course they'd snuck into my apt while i was at class, although they had actually only meant to drop it off. and of course they had taken it out, put it up on my entry table, and decorated it. and of course they had left the lights on to greet me when i got home.
i miss such sweetnesses.

by the by, if you're reading this, i'm probably making you a scarf.
it's my supervillainous ways...

entangled in a personal statement and grading all night

"i'm going to make tacos from your corpse!"














i have to write a 3 story project, finish grading 40 some papers, and read several articles for said project (and watch 3 movies)

ai!!!!



do you know where you're going to?
Michigan

a whoa oh oh

i said hello to no one's there





















"hello"

belatedly halloween

last eve
the night of the full moon
i threw a party and invited 12 people, only 4 of whom showed, 3 of whom for more than 15 minutes, although i'll indicate as well that the 4th was soaked in mr. pibb by the time he got to my house and thus couldn't stay long...
so it was ok, but i realize how lame my friends are...how much they just put up walls and excuses rather than actually getting involved
and how very much i miss the people with whom i can just say random things or go hang out with by indicating that i'd like to hang out (and if they are unable, they simply say so, rather than feigning some excuse)....how very much i miss the people that i can actually love
(yes, cheese factor rising, but whatthefuck, there's no one here i can say i actually could talk about this shit with)
anyway, i'm lame, i miss my friends/family, i miss waking up and actually wanting to go out into the world, and i also have way too much to do before i can be mopey
also, here's a pic from a halloween party i went to last weekend

a paperwork world

so, yet again, i don't think i can do this grad school shit

is there something wrong with me? i know these people who spend their weekends and weeknights working on school work, reading and writing and applying to things. I spend my weekends goofing off, reading books or watching too much tv, or spending time with friends/family, or doing variuos other relaxing things. I spend my weeknights recovering from not sleeping enough and then don't sleep enough again because i have to do a lot of readings. But i know most of the other people, the workerbees, don't sleep much either, often less than i sleep.
Which is what I don't get. WHy kill yourself over grad school? It's like any other school, learning from experts the knowledge that you yourself could never come up with straight on your own. But then the workerbees tell me i'm ohsohealthy, or my parents do, or my friends do, and that i have a better grasp on reality than the workerbees.

but that seems strange, since professors forget me, or forget my research, or treat me like shit, or treat me kindly but then act like i haven't been talking to them for a bit over a year. my favorite prof just emailed me with a slightly harsh email because i kept fucking up a stupid advising form, that is only bureaucratic bullshit since i'm probly gonna end up changin my classes anyway. ARGH

i hate this whole situation. i want to learn but the people who have to teach me have to be sucked up to so that i can go on learning via their rec letters. but the fact that i'm leaving them means they don't want to write me letters cuz they want me to stay, not even because they like me but because they feel pressured to keep bodies here. i want to be a good student, but the expectations are impossible, especially with all this paper work floating around and the lack of funding. i'm supposed to work two jobs, take two classses, teach two classes, apply to phd programs, and fill out paperwork constantly so that the department knows i'm working on gettign my degree done?????!!!

today, i feel like dropping out of grad school, packing up the few things that i can carry in my hiking backpack and a spare bag, and hiking until i drop dead. at least then i wouldn't have to worry about paperwork (unless i got picked up for loitering or something)

there's a girl on the stairs (a short short story)

she steps into the winter evening and glares
someone somewhere is calling her names, telling people she is not effective, she does not affect
he even went so far as to look her in the eye, say 'i do not love you anymore'
she slapped him and walked away
that is the way of things, air moving between flesh and emotion
creating sound, the words from her mouth,
they form on the air, a cold winter chill, 'fuck it all'
she stands on the ground for a moment,t hen feels something stronger
the air, it lifts, and soon she is smiling, letting the fingers caress her tear-stained cheaks
before she can breath, she is off her feet, still laughing
it is like taking a buble bath, she thinks, but without the soapy mess
although the air on her skin will likely chap her, like water-wrinkles but colder
she feels the ground leave her, feels the sky join her merry reverie
she has stopped laughing finally, when the moon comes out from his clouds
gently, she reaches for him, unclothes the night, and sees the stars
her skirt is high above her knees and she is glad for her mother's old winter coat
a black mass of fur to match her black silken hair, spun from misery as much as love
the world is a mixture of metals and fluids, she thinks, why can't there be more air?
and she rises, and she falls, and she leaves the story behind
the sky not large enough, the night not deep enough, the man nor the moon-man lithe enough
to catch her melody, her voice on the wind
'there's a girl on the stairs
there's a girl who isn't there'

i keep dreaming about being a famous writer
i think that i will go to the towns i love and some towns that i hate and i will see so many people
and they will have loved my books or my writing or my drawings, and there will be old friends, people i would have forgotten but then there they are, living their lives, or old enemies, who i will sneer at and give inappropriate directions to invisible events
where they will get lost and be terribly vexed
i have had this same dream since i was very young
i don't know why i think that i should be famous, that anyone should like my writing; i personally don't think it's all that great, thus the stopping, the not writing so often, the pursuit of academic degrees

i wonder if i've given up on it before it started
if maybe the dream was there before or after i even thought of it, and it's been trailing me, waving its arms wildly and shoutinng 'HELO?!' and i've just been puching it in the face and saying 'no, no, you don't understand, i'm crappy at that;
or maybe i'm being realistic, who knows?

the reason i discuss this is that phoebe (that illustrious writer/artist/prof) was talking about how someone said they loved her in a public place on her blog and i realized that i would have just thought 'oh, no you don't' and walked away after shouting maybe an 'ok' or 'that's great'
probably because i hate people

which brings up another question, what the bloody hell am i doing studying other people when i hate human beings? sure, we've got great poetry and prose and tv and such, but i bet if someone had the mind to translate bird and bug speak, i'd like it better....

here are some photos of my home in bton!

on reflection

i think that i was too harsh in my last blog thing, as the people i was speaking of are...pretty coolish, niceish
i think i'm missing my friends and getting angry cuz there's nothing of equal depth here

partially

mostly, i am just very bored with this whole thing

but, what i mean to say is, you don't just make friends or find a life with one big gesture...that's not the way that problems are solved or connections made
it's a process, a painful, slow, long delicate, harsh, irritating yet enjoyable,a nd illuminating process
i think that i'm not able to find the process right now, and i'm sad that i can't, because unfolding people is so very beautiful and interesting and i miss it

that's all i meant to say

but in other news, squirrels keep walking above my study window on a power line and making me think there's an airplane out there, how weird is that?

"i'm just so bored of wasting my time"

i'm sick of this
i keep trying to connect, to talk to people and understand what they're thinking or how they understand life
because it's worked in the past, and it's been beautiful knowing people, understanding them, seeing the world through their eyes and letting a little bit of what they see leak into my own eyes, letting the bricks and mortar be pierced by flowers and vines and clouds and robots and weird growths that i still don't quite get
i need people
i hate to admit it, but i do
and making phone calls in the middle of the night is good but it doesn't cut it
i need physical interaction, i need to see the world, to feel the night air and hear your voice right there, to be told i'm wrong or silly or being overly dramatic, to see your feet and hear the echo on pavement of more than my own shoes
i want to feel what i felt this summer, to have bonfires and sleep overs and run to random stores to buy games that i haven't heard of and be made fun of for things that i do all the time

"this sorry joke is all that we need"

i'm just so fucking SICK of wasting my time on people who don't really give a fuck about me
i know that people try, that they think they're doing their best, but i know that the people i know aren't trying hard enough
(the people here in indy, not you all)
they wouldn't sacrifice sleep for me, they wouldn't drive the extra mile, they wouldn't believe in me if it came down to that, they wouldn't stop the world to try to help me out
in short, they don't cut it

and the worst part is that i know it, and i would still do that for them...i would help them out no matter what, i would stay up til 4 am if it meant i got to talk to them, i would walk across town (and have) to do something as simple as keep them company while they have fun
or maybe i'm making this up, maybe i just want to feel better than them, so that when i leave, my heart won't get all twisty again
but i know that they won't even stay up late to do stuff with me, that when they get tired, they give in without hesitation, they pull away every time i try to pull them in close and that's simply all there is

am i simplifying? hell, yes...it's language and it's a fucking blog-entry
but i feel so ... not far away, but
i don't trust them, and with good reason, to be there for me
i trust my friends, i trust brooke and thea and all you all because i know your boundaries, i know the fence that you'll stop at on this long road of life, i know how far you're willing/able to go, but i have no idea when i'll turn around and these people will have stopped without telling me, leaving my back open to the unknown, to whatever comes by
or when i'll turn around and find a knife in my spine, well-placed and possibly carefully planned, a friend an enemy, a whole fucking year's worth of care and construction eliminated by a sentence or an action or simply an emotion that was there all along

i guess it all comes down to that; i don't know them, i don't trust them, and, worst of all, i know they won't go as far as i need them to right now
because i'm feeling very alone and i need a friend, but there aren't any here right now (which happens sometiems), so i keep trying to make them into one, but they aren't, they can't be that for me, either because they don't want to be or whatever

and you're probably thinking i'm being overly dramatic, and you're also probably experienced enough to know i often am, but i need some downtime in a friendly way sometimes, now being one o them times, to pull me away and bring me back into my world, our world, this world
and right now there's just no one able, so i'm angsty
so sue me

"no one visiting
is my punishment for
backing out
making sounds means
making friends these days
i wanna see you cry
i wanna hear you talk
it's been so still for a long time"
aberdeen city - in combat
other quotes from the stills - love and death

but hey, at least i get to go see sufjan stevens next weekend, that's something...

nothing better

i don't like
where i've been
and i don't want
to go home again

i'm half asleep at the computer screen after having watched Valerie and her Week of Wonders, which was a wonderful film, but i could not find info on the actor who played eaglet in the film, nor any photos, and i'm sad cuz i wanted to use him as a base for a character in my graphic novel that i never seem to get around to actually doing

my eye lids are so heavy

i'm having a board game party tomorrow, and there's at least 4 people coming (rachel and her man, a friend from teaching and his lady) so it should be fun
we're making mozarella and brushcetta , and other snacks that follow the letter B, the color brown, and the number 6

i'm listening to the postal service for some reason

and i was almost involved in a match-making today; at work, there was a black lab puppy, which everyone knows is my particular weakness, by which i mean any animal/nature thatoccurs within civilizations' barren cooch, and so i was all over that dog once it was clear i had time to play with him
and he licked me up and down and loved me (but not in THAT way)
so someone i know at work whose friend it was,was all 'you got a girlfriend? a boyfriend? want one?' for me to go with the woman whose dog it was
not that she wasn't nice ,but i don't remember much beyond she may have had glasses and that she didn't particularly catch my flow of thought, other than that i wasn't supposed to let the dog bite me in play
and now that's got me wondering, why did i say no? is there a reason or am i just being contrary?
for that matter,w hy don't i ever fall in love?

silly thoughts, but i'm surrounded by romantics, people who never take breaks from relationships longer than a month, friends with perpetual lovers (ie spouses), people who are convinced of the importance of love, and people who live with it on a practical level
but
i think of love and i think of the look on my mother's face when she'd made a picnic for my brithday (or something equally fun and effortful and lovely) and then my dad yells at everyone, ruins my party, and spanks me for hitting him for ruining my party
at which point, i devolve into tears and run off
and the day is ruined and my mom would just have this look on her face like the world was a diamond shattering into a million pieces
or similar situations where i am the sole fuck-up fucking things up...

or i think of my sister who gets so angry at me for caring, for thinking of her, for wanting her to stop smoking
or my other sister who constantly needs affirmation and how i will not be gentle with my lover, even if i had one
or of my brother and his oh-so-perfect-for-him girly with their banana republic purchased souls
or my friends who got married too young and clearly are having problems cuz of it
or of alex who i love but who pisses me off constantly and is presently giving me fleas

sometimes, though, i remember this little brunette psychopath kid who would lie in bed at night and imagine falling in love with a girl with shortish brown, curling hair that sorta floats on the wind sometimes, or who has long black tresses that she rarely concerns herself with combing, and how he would kiss her and how they would travel from place to place and walk down silent paths in forests until the whole world forgot they existed
and then they would stop existing because i would fall alseep or my imagination would just stop there, with the love

so maybe that's it, i don't want anything more than the mere existence of love---so i can feel something like love or at least like for a girl named redmond despite the fact that the last time i talked to her she was in denmark and weirded out by me...and that's fine, because i felt it, i got to sense soemthing like that without having to go past the credits
but then i think, isn't there something worth all that pain? isn't there something worth all those shattering diamonds and icicles that inevitably break?

oh, fiddle faddle, i don't know
i'm tired and a bit exhausted from a long week of being late to EVERY FUCKING THING cuz i lost my watch, or no wait
it broke
and dreams are melting into reality more and more...i keep thinking i'm somewhere else or that i did something that i only did or went in a dream
maybe i already fell in love but i cannot remember, or i have in dreams, actually i know i have, and that counts more than any real love every could
and there are so many cats outside of my apartment that i hope they all have a real owner, and haven't just been abandoned or somehow found their way to my apartment complex whilest lost
like dreams without hope
or people in a capitalistic society
constnatly trying to sneak in the door while you've got all the bars up to defend yourseld


"ba ba ba ba
I've got a cupboard with cans of food
filtered water and pictures of you
and i'm not coming out until this is all over
and i'm looking through the glass
where the light bends at the cracks
and i'm screaming at the top of my lungs
pretending the echos belong to someone
someone i used to know
and we become
silhouettes when our bodies finally go
ba ba ba ba
I wanted to walk through the empty streets
and feel something constant under my feet
but all the news reports recommend that i stay indoors
because the air outside will make
our cells divide at an alarming rate
until our shells simply cannot hold
all our insides in
and that's when we explode
and it won't be a pretty sight
and we'll become silhouettes when our bodies finally go
ba ba ba ba"

the postal service-we will become silhouettes

concerts, concerts, concerts...and teaching

so last thursday, as i stated, mary lyn came to town to visit me with a friend of hers, and while it wasn't much fun, we did get to go see the Reverend Horton Heat, which was awesome and quite a lot of fun---the music was good, the venue was small, and it only cost me 5 bucks...which i haven't even paid yet, and might not have to, cuz ml felt bad about not coming back to actually hang out with me

then yesterday, i went to see I LOVE YOU BUT I"VE CHOSEN DARKNESS at a local record store and accidentally ran into this really cool guy i know who also teaches public speaking
we ended up hanging out the entire time, along with his super-funny girlfriend, and it was a LOT of fun
plus the music was FUCKING AWESOME, and it was a REALLY small venue so i could see most things although there were a lot of people in front of me... thesound system was a bit loud volume-wise, but it was pretty damn good
and then they gave me a ride home, which was great, cuz i was exhausted

and now tonight, i'm going to go nina nastasia at my favorite local venue, that is really small...hopefully, since it's Tuesday, I won't have to worry about lotsa people...

anyway, i'm off to go finish my homework and eat dinner, and then run off to see nina
oh joy!

i really shouldn't, though, cuz i have to do a lot of grading, since i just had the first set of speeches MOnday, and still have to grade a lot...

present music: Nina Nastasia - The Blackened Air
book: INvisible Cities by Italo Calvino

Adventure ltd.

once i wrote a novel; i thought
it was a page I wanted to turn, an accomplishment
to be awarded. I thought life was adventure,
me the evangelical hot-ballooner.

turn the page, it's choose your own adventure
all over again. I keep looking ahead,
ruining the surprise and wishing
another choice into existence, another page,
another conclusion, then just as quickly
blink it out of reality because 2 seconds ago
the man talking to the cute, enviro girl across the cafe from me
said 'I started writing a book,'
his voice a droning sense of accomplishment
and it sent a page turning shiver down my spine.

'It's easy to get caught up in the bullshit,' she said,
the dialogue scrawled out of cute-girl's mouth and I know
I cannot turn the page, I never could.
I am trapped, like all things, in a badly written choose-your-life
adventure, circa 1982, a poorly put-together dream
without certainty or hope, other than imagining
that maybe the bullshit will end, and people
will start living up to their spoken-word poetry.

sposed'tas

i'm sposed ta be checking out oncourse or going through course documents for the first day of class that i'll be teaching
but it's also mary lyn's birthday this week, so i spent most of today making mixes for her, as well as bathing (critical!) and making a ton of chai for my first week of classes...
i'm not nervous about monday...well, yeah i am, but i think i'm as ready as i'll everbe...
the major problem i'm having with teaching is that we get this huge binder full of suggestions and helpful hints
which just makes you want to go crazy because there are all these little details that you'll have to remember in the midst of actually teaching...it's like when i first started tutoring; at first, i was so scared because i thought i had to get every detail down, but i didn't...it was much more of a flow than a list of details...
the hints did help tho
guess i should just think of this like that, huh?

in other news, i was feeling irritated by life, like i keep spending all my time doing stuff to make life liveable and never living it
never setting off down that long road with a bunch of friends and just sticking it out together
(that could be freudian, i'm not sure...)
and then i realized i was nervous about grad school and stuff this year because i'm afraid of being scared...of feeling that paralyzing dread in the pit of my stomach that will eventuyally lead to another fucking-a heart problem
which i'm pretty sure takes several years off of my life every time, tho no one has said so or given me any indication of such a conclusion
i just feel it in my body, in my bones

so i'm restless again, but more because it seems as though i never get to a point, tho i realize that life is not a series of events leading to anything, we are merely always drifting farther and farther from the point of origin
and the dimensions refuse to settle, to stay the same or even, in the long run, to obey the laws of physics

so i'll go to class and then to meetings and read up on the stuff i need to read up upon, and in the process be applying to phd programs, but all the while i'll be wondering, am i killing myself for nothing?
is this "all there is to a fire?"

FOotnote:
"I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up
in his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"

Then I fell in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away. And I thought I'd die -- but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?"

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my lst breath, I'll be saying to myself, is that all there is?" "

Peggy Lee- is that all there is?

hilarious

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060819/od_nm/india_operation_dc

academic fright!

someone was here
the crinkle of light through blinds and curtains sends the message
an SOS of a need for attention, a need for well-intended hugs
for the ability to speak and be spoken to
without words or committees on indiscretion

in addition, please note
the unmade bed, the litter on the floor (it's the kind i do not purchase,
ammonia-ridden pellets), the litter of alcohol,
strawberries, and bread-crumbs, the combined odor of which
thaws the air, cuts open my sense of optimism,
and leaves the beatiful, jeweled organs on the floor

how they sparkle!
the red-frozen innards that i was hiding, my own self-doubt
my carefully scripted organization of towels, fruit, and long-gutted dreams
they stare at me from the fur-coated carpet, my cat displaying himself
licking his sins away, while i sit here
gloating in a sadness that disappears
as the currents of air conditioning are turned off, leaving only the room
the person, the feline, the evening coming on,
and the fading silhouette of someone being here

the bends

i spent this past weekend packing and watching my sister have fun in a2, whilst i withered under the load of having not slept enough after cramming a bit for my japanese final
then sunday, i waded in the arb, packed all my belongings and came back to bton

when i got home, my name wasn't on the mailbox
(still don't know why, probly my mailman, reminding himself)
even tho i signed a lease for the next year
and then, my toilet was covered in blackish mold, as apparently, or at least according to my phone message, the toilet backed up because someone flushed too much tp down the toilet
but melanie told me she never did anything but water the plants
???
oh, what a mystery!

in addition, someone was parked in my parking spot....grrrr...
the next morning, i was so tired after going to bed at 3am (cuz we got back at 2), i accidentally turned on heat instead of a/c
which, thankfully, my landlord caught and switched off when he was checking the fuseboxes and the furnace...

but which made me look like a mook, doubly, as he left a note on my door earlier saying, please don't flush a lot of tp down the toilet...


so, in short, i'm feeling withdrawal symptons, including the desire to sleep or drink lotsa caffenated, sugary beverages....and watch movies, and read the new collected runaways book i bought in a2 afore i left

this message sponsored by:
"fraud in the 80s" by the Mates of State---a song in my head
(you will surely find this...pleasing to your ears)
and
the fantastic art of marcos martin



postscript: i am being published again, in Empty Pockets Vol. 2
which you can buy in a2!

doomed

i'm doomed
i keep putting off signing up for the gre for august...i will have to do it either today or tomorrow...but just now, i'm down in the dumps and extremely hyper
you see, i spent yesterday hanging out with thea, brooke, and bonnie, eating seva-food, running through stores, buying a board game, playing said board game, and drinking bubble tea...then i woke up to cool people on the floor in my room (really, i offered them the bed....really...well, there may have been clauses, and a contract...and maybe a barbed wire fency)
who then met me for some drinkies between class periods (thirstifiers in the form of iced tea at erc on s. u.)
and there were hugs, and silliness, and laughter and all that gobbletygook, so i'm sad
and i'm leaving for indi on sunday where it is always hot and i don't know that many people
but i should stop whining, cuz i've got a good feeling about this year, and i know a few people i at least like (a couple i downright dig, i just have to pull them away from work and such), and i have a nice place with a/c if i want it and a job to boot

still, i feel doomed
to live far away from the people i care about
most likely, it's the cafeeine talking (plus the lack of sleep and utter exhaustion)
but i do feel as though my life is not going the right direction, and i've gotta step up and live up to my potential
which means applying to a ton of schools in the next two weeks before classes and work start so i don't burn out this semestr...and maybe i will switch from globalization to a language course...it would probly be easier...

i guess that mostly i miss waking up to people in the morning (like when i was in high school, or for most of this summer, when i've interacted with my housemates, or like when people sleep over).....i guess i'm a bit of a mom, wanting to keep an eye on all the people i love
the world is so big after all, and we primates are so very small, and our footprints are sooooo big

i think most of all, underneath all the crap that isn't really so much bothering me ( i know i'll see my friends at xmas, tho maybe not thea if she moves to utah, and i know my life will have some meaning if i keep fighting for it, and i know that the application process is harsh but not meaningless), i'm wondering what on earth i'm doing studying japan
and how much of a difference it will really make
but even then, i sorta feel light as a feather, recognizing that the only reason i feel that is because people try to put me into a slot they can understand, put my work into a slot they can understand
because we're all trying so hard to understand the world we live through/in......

i guess i should just be happy living between the lines, but so much gets lost in the process
and it's much harder to apply for programs when what you want to do doesn't really have a strongly descriptive name
like hamster

or clout

notice

i took off the last blog entry
cuz i felt like it

also, i got a 92.9 on my second exam !! woo!!

in other news, ryan vu and brooke wright seem to be in michigan while i am also in said state
which i think is cause for celebration

so i bought some pants

no, not really
but it sounds funny doesn't it?

currently listening to 'i don't believe you' by magnetic fields

current favorite lyric:
"i had a dream and you were in it
the blue of your eyes was infinite
you seemed to be in love with me
which isn't very realistic.."

it's kinda strange being here in a2 and living with the people i'm living with
i feel really not-me like lately

eg. at a concert i went to, the audience got really into it, and whereas normally i would roll my eyes and be irritated by their getting into the groove of things, i just felt really good and got into it myself, even noding along at points and tearing up a little during one song
which i know is lame
but at the same time i feel all good and happy and almost overly sentimental or something (but more accurately described as actually trusting the people around me to let me have a good time and just letting myself flow with the flow of things)

i think it's partially my housemates
who are some amazing people---well not amazing but cool---it's just that all of my expectations have basically been stomped on--no one has been mean to me, suggested that im' in the way, bossed me around, or even given me flack for not doing much around the house
it's just that they're so chill and friendly and kind--we had a house dinner last night and we just talked and i felt so comfortable and not that awkward
it's just so strange
because (this is the big influence) i've been in bloomington for a year....where all my expectations seem to have come to fruition, at least the bad ones (that people are fat, lazy, manipulative, gossipy, mean, passive aggressive, jerks, ignorant, culturally unaware, lame, obsessed with hidding and yet always pushing their insecurities upon people, etc.)
including the expectation that i would get lamer being there

but i think soemthing else happened
i think i kinda realized how great it is just to be at concerts and go to restaurants and walk in the park or walk down the street
it's not like i have anything to prove, or as though i'm buying or doing stuff to show something, i'm doing what i'm doing because it's the best thing that i can do
whereas before i think i was always trying to prove something to myself

so i guess i managed to get over that need to show i'm not lame/the youngest anymore via being submerged in ick (otherwise known as the midwest)

also, i think living with my housemates is making me realize what cool people are --- rather than making me think that there are no cool people beyond me/my friends (as my former roommates and bton classmates often made me feel)
which, granted, i knew was false, but it's hard to work against that without a cornucopia of evidence

in short, i'm feeling very different
i hesitate to say this, but it's like walking out into a sunny day after spending all day in doors thinking that the world just underwent nuclear war and the only place to be is indoors
it's like the whole world opened up
and not just because i'm in a2 with all it's culture and it's free movies in the summer, but because the people i interact with are...i dunno...different, more normal and aware of the world around them than the people i've been aorund in bton or the roommates i've lived with before
and because my mom got cancer but it's gonna be fine---i don't know how that goes into the mix but i get the sense that trying to figure out why i feel so refreshed without considering that would be like trying to make a smoothie without the fruit, or at least the fresh fruit
it'd probably be interesting, and something would happen, but i would never be able to get so full a flavor

aiahh!

today was the first day of japanese
i expected to go home, nap, practice bass, and do my homework before lazing off to bed
my friend diana and i tho, have spent the entire day trying to get registered for our class, get the books we need, and burn a cd of the listening tapes we need to have for class (as neither of us has the net at home yet )
aiaiaiaiaiaia
seems like it should be fun; today we learned greetings and the basic hiragana (that the right word???) and saturday i'm gonna go try to see tilly and the wall play at the blind pig
also, thea, where are you? do you wanna go to said concert?
so ohayoo if you're reading this in the morning, konichiwa in the afternoon, and anyway
sayoonara mesamis-san
(why yes that's japafrench!!)

end of the world

so guess what takes up the most energy in america?
top two or three?
no, not vibrators
no, not televisions, not technically
not air conditioning either

that's right, computers idling!! the computer companies are full of shit as the idling computer wastes more energy than anytyhing else in your household---they only tell you it doesn't because at first, sure it saves energy to leave it on (if you're coming back in 5 minutes) but to leave it longer than a few hours wastes more energy than it saves!!
number 2= things with remotes---that idling tv set or vcr or stereo uses up so much energy just to be ever ready for your every command !! what's recommended is to have a power strip for your computer, television, or stereo, etc that you can turn off when you're not using them so that they use up less energy
number 3 = bad refridgerators---modern fridges have advanced so much in the last few years that anything with an energy star system far outdoes the old machines---so if you have an old fridge, toss it (or rather, properly dispose of and/or recycle it) and you'll save more than the price of the fridge, both for your planet and yourself

i discovered this through a conference my sister attended where some people did a very good lecture on this topic---apparently, they've cut down their electric bill to 16 dollars a month for a full house just by using power strips and getting a better fridge (and of course replacing all their light bulbs with halogen light bulbs---did you know tungsten light bulbs are better heaters than lights? and that they cost way more in the long run because they only last a few months while halogen bulbs can last over several years?)

be an ethical person
or just be smart
or just be cheap
but please do consider this info!!

saving the world in love

why can't spiderman love gwen stacey and still beat down the green goblin?
why can't wolverine be an x-man and fuck mariko on the side?
why can't buffy find a stable boyfriend?
why can't superman and lois just do it ?
why can't dawson fuck joey and not have badness ensue?
why can't spies have a long-time girlfriend while still being all espionagey?
why can't cowboys have wives and still shoot other guys up and such?
why can't soaps have stable couples, why can't heroes be in love?
why oh WHY have people drawn a line between the personal and worldly worlds?

i don't know
and i'm fucking a tired of people saying 'you can't be in love and save the world"
because you can; they're just making up excuses to not try, to be 'comfortable', to be 'happy'----this is all part of some lame-ass western value of happiness, which i don't understand
i want all my emotions equally, sadness, anger, jealousy, rage, love, giddiness, stressed, bored, antsy, happy, in love, anti-love, bitter, disillusioned, naive
i refuse to choose just one as a goal

to respond to my question:
because it's not interesting
modern stories never end well because you can't make money off a happy couple who works to save the world---there's no sex appeal, not nearly enough violence-focus, no torid passion, no possibility for perpetual sequels
in short, real meaning, good choices, etc. make for little profit----or so people seem to think
my favorite shows are the ones where people do make good choices as well as bad ones, where people are flawed yet able to be sane and live their lives
eg. buffy can't be with angel because she chooses not to---she could fuck him and perpetually re-ensoul him but it's just too much drama for a girl to deal with---plus he was her high school sweetie---who in their right mind really wants to fuck one person over their entire life? (or, better stated, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who knew them when they were a fuckbag of hormones?)

in terms of most of my other examples, i think it's just a matter of inconceivability---there are no famous examples of couples that last, of people who can save the world and be in love, of passion and love that are intertwined with the desire to do good
which i think is ridiculous, mostly becuase that is in fact my own desire
although i love a good 'i love you but i've chosen darkness/activism/the world' story just as well as anyone, probly more
i'm just sick of all the sappy, bad endings---if you're going to tell a story like this, you have to think of the ramifications
without any examples of people who can do both, people will continue to think they can't do both
but with a dependency on profit, these stories will never be told

guess it's bout time we all did something about that, eh?

by which i'm implying that we should struggle in our own livves to realize that love for the world and for other people is not mutually exclusive
in fact, i would argue they are intimate----i love my sister because she made me mor e aware of the world---i like my friends cuz they pop my bubble; i stop seeing the world my way and start seeing the world as we together see it

so fuck you, people who think they cannot do both
buffy didn't stick with her boytoys cuz they were just that, boytoys; she wasn't ready
spiderman was a douche to let gwen stacey die, and it was probly just a way of making mary jane more central to the story, fucking writers
wolverine had to lose mariko to be more tragic, which i think is lame, but probly chris claremont thought was rockin
superman and lois are ginormous tools, but they have in fact stuck together for a pretty long time
dawson's creek was shit in your mouth, shit in your mouth
spies are penuses (why else do they have so many guns?) and thus cannot allow for vaginas not to be penetrated----either that or they are uncontrollable women who must be tamed by their own use of a phallus--their power is thus reined as they depend upon male power structures
ditto cowboys, and eighties heroes for the most part
soaps and heroes? they're fucked, mostly cuz the writers don't actually care about the characters--when they do, they might do a decent job (see astonishing x-men, alan moore, jamie delano, etc)

more generally, i think people just want to live their lives----their lives being determined by the race for more crap, more experiences with fucking, more ex-lovers---everyone needs to have MORE MORE MORE of everything
hello capitalism in modern america, hello overconsumption
and you can't keep fucking around once you find something that means the world to you, particularly a way of seeing the world that actually makes sense in terms of loving people and living up to your responsibilities to the world
once you know what the world is, what loving someone really means, you can't just think of them as commodities
and thus the story-telling that depends upon commodification runs into a roadblock---with solid characters, the characters themselves unsettle the narrative--they tell you to stop reading their story, stop buying the books, because there is a place for you in the WORLD where you can be happy being sad, angry, and bored

where someone can hold you, you can hold someone, and you can both fight to make the world better than it is, fight to make the world stronger and more capable of healing than it is

hurt

Cut into

prostrate on the floor, I baubled
into your lion-shaped heart
thinking it my own, thinking it
blue and orange, circled by
purple aortic tunnels

prostrate on the floor, wronged,
I traced the sound of it, the words over construction
paper, the hand around my vascular tissues,
the beat that constricted my own, that told me
not to breathe, not to beat so loudly on my own

bent over the bed, I knew the cold
chill of a winter morning when the sun
showed so bright, the lakes melted into sweat and
the arctic died. For you and for your desire,
the world transformed, beached whales and empty bottles

bent over the bed, I would have jammed my life into you
had I known you wanted so long, to be dismembered
by the past, to lose every grain for the dream of a beach,
my hands disappeared for his organ in your blanket. I know
the grains, I hold them, I love them, I breathe.

Prostrate on the sand, I waved goodbye with the winding
wind and you didn’t notice, carelessly tracing the shape
of my lion shape with the knife you’d used to cut it out.
But my heart is no lion and your mind is no knife. We
were waves finding solace in the shore, but instead of forgetting,
falling limply into this moment, I remember the years.

art, supposedly

a song i been listenin to

sarah harmer -- lodestar

Out of the night, into the water,
We push the boat from shore.
Breaking the air in the stillness of the bay.

Intensity of stars reflected in the harbor,
Silently ignite.
The oar dips in to oil like water and we,
Are away.

Your hand won't write, not tonight,
But your mind may wander.
Into those deep lagoons that you know.

And your boat will go, by starlight alone.
"Da da da da da da da da"
You sang to the moon.
In the great black night with no lodestar,
In sight.

Out in the night, out on the water,
We pull the boat back to shore.
Breathing the air in the stillness of the bay.
Intensity of stars reflected in the water,
Silently ignite.
The oar dips in to oil like water and we,
Are away.
Under the moon,
In the great black night with no lodestar,
In sight.

And wait for it,
There are only two things now.
This great black night,
And the fire glow.
Listen, the darkness rings,
The darkness.
Listen, the darkness rings.
And wait for it,
There are only two of us now.
This great black night spooked out,
And this fire glow.
Listen, the darkess rings,
The darkness,
Listen, the darkness rings.
Take off your pains (face, things),
And listen, the darkness rings

a 2-parter that may be cheesey

part 1:
why im' missing you

Hmmm, i've been pondering this...i have not missed my friends this much before
but then i've never had so many friends before, or, rather, not so many people i really can't believe that i know and who know me
it's just like, whoa, i know these people? THESE people?
does that make me cool?
or at least that's my train of thought
plus yer all so all over the place, not a one of you in the same state as the others
like i was thinking, when i go to ann arbor to take japanese classes this summer, i'll only know 4 people there (sherri, phoebe, cristina, and jack)
and then my parents of course

it's so strange, i guess, for there to be people for me to miss
yeah, i guess that's it

part 2:
some of what gives me strength:

i am standing on a wooden thinger that goes out over lake michigan and the sun is setting and there's a man and his son standing off to the side of me, on the right
and i think, i could jump in there and die of hypothermia, it's so cold!
and i think about it some more, and i look at the sunset, and then i turn around and see my dad walking down the dock or whatever it is to tell me about the metal thing behind me that used to be a small lighthouse thing, and my mom is sitting in the car with the heat bursting out of the vents like some sort of heart pumping warmth
and the cliffs are ORANGE with the sunset, like some old painting that i wouldn't like on a wall, but which, in life, is beautiful, stunning, breat-take-away-ing
i stand there and then watch the sun fall under the water, changing from large eye to half circle to piece of mostly eaten candy to a strange aura of red

i am sleeping in a strange bed, and everything is white, but i'm staring at teh ceiling
and i'm not awake, i'm on the verge of being awake, fading in and out of sleep and there's a noise i recognize, that if i put my finger on it, the whole world would make sense and i would say 'oh' and breathe deeply
and then i know it's tori amos, and someone is playing that first album on piano, albeit not perfectly, or even well at points, and i know them and i will walk up the stairs and say hello and eat indian food and the day will flow like words out of some poet's mouth
i will wake up, but for now i am on the verge of sleep, on the shores of reality, unencumbered, listening to someone play familiar songs over and over until the whole world makes sense, and thinking 'oh' i move the sheets

i am sitting by some body of water, both lake michigan and the muddy lake up north and the lake at NELP and i don't know anyone's names because the people are not all the same and none of the them stick, like feathers on sand
i know that i'm talking and they're talking and mostly i'm offended, but generally i just laugh it off and know they are intelligent and cool and we're having fun
and then, looking over the water, everything is clear and i'm me at some particular moment staring in darkness or the waves of lake michigan, or the constantly different sunsets of maine or the whole entire world
and all i can think is 'hot damn' or something equally vapid of meaning in comparison to mountains and rivers and valleys and streams (or for that matter, flesh and blood and muslces and everything working as one)

i am walking in ann arbor with a beautiful, incredibly intelligent woman, and we are going somewhere to do something (to eat? to watch a movie?) and we both look up at the same time to see the sun peaking through the clouds like some thought the world had ("i remember the paintings that people have painted of me and so i'll be that today")
and she says "it's like clouds in a painting" and i think
my god, i have been waiting my whole life for someone to say what i would say or merely share a perspective
so that i could know that i'm not crazy, that i won't end up like my aunt pat, isolated and dangerous in an old farm house surrounded by suburbs
and i agreed with that woman, and we walked on,

and i have never stopped thinking how amazing it is to know people who are so strange and wonderful and full of surprises and sameness all at once

HAPPY EARTH DAY!!!

i tried to go to an earth day festival with build=your=own sculpture out of old building materials and free food and concertage and other various fun environmental things...
but i guess it only lasted an hour(!!!??) cuz when i got there at 3 (it started at 1:30), there were just a bunch of faux-hippies (college students who like to get high) and some BAD music, along with some okay-looking face-painting and a table for the local anarchist bookstore
!!
so instead i went to the co-op, got a sandwich, a white tea drink, and a cookie and had a picnic on my favorite peninsular picnic area in town, where i could safely watch either birds or humans without too much gawking by those i was watching
and it was pretty fun
plus i went to guitar lesson before, and i need to PRACTICE more, but i almost forgot i had a lesson today cuz i was weaving all night last night and i was writing a paper until wednesday, and then in between i was unconscious

but anyway, i'm gonna weave for 2 more hours, go home and read for a few hours while doing TONS of laundry, watch a movie with my dad (who is randomly in town as he's delivering my grandmother's old car to my sister and taking her car back to michigan to get it actually fixed as her mechanic FUCKED IT UP big time), and then get up after sleeping FOREVER and read another book or two, go see silent hill with that crazy cat matt (from work, he reads/used to draw comics and loves horror flics, of the good variety of course) and maybe watch family guy
then tuesday i have a final class/potluck, three papers to write (each only a page, chill!), and one final paper due on may 1st
meanwhile, i need to figure out if i have a job or not this summer (i have one, but for when i'll be in a2, so i have to switch with a co-worker, none of whom are very confident so they just get indecisive, plus there's an ASS at work who's tryin to switch as well, but only becaue he wants to NOTWORK the second semester...which just makes me look bad cuz he's already asked everyoen)

argh, i hate asses, plus i miss you
dave, ryan, brooke, thea, and avani!
i hope you are all well, and enjoy what i hope is also a beautiful earth day where each of you are (although i know brooke's pretty hot today since her a/c broke)...

I LOVE THE EARTH!!!

this weekend past

my family came for easter
plus mysister's friend mikey garn, who rocks
and we had so much fun, my heart almost broke
literally; i had a heart-racey episode for the first time in years, and it scared me to death because i couldn't get it under control and my heart still hurts from all the scary racing and pumping WAY too fast
so i am getting insurance so the next time it happens, i can actually go to the hospital without worrying about being unable to get insurance at a reasonable price...(due to preexisting conditions ie heart problems)

and here's a poem about it


something so small

I picked pink lilacs on thursday
still on monday they are gone
scented deadly by a longing
for the clock to hold its hand
the same flesh-like emotion
my mother holds when i am scared
my heart shuddering in its chambers
a thousand children high on candy or
the sound of stars unfolding into galaxies

i close my eyes
i hear the sound

I gathered violets in the green
friday noontime in wilting sun
still on monday they have gone
a tidal gentleness of longing
poor substitution for grace or love
hold me in the darkest light or leave me dry
soaking in gingerale, petals wilting
(you can be me when i'm gone)
a darkened lingering on a polaroid
a heart pounding ten beats for every one

(hold my hand)
i hear the sound

i've placed dried flowers over every thing
a careful embroidery of life and debt
engulfing nostalgia in a frame, cutting us out
the photograph forgotten, the journal burnt
saturdays i place forsythia on the table and pray
for hand-holds, for green grass, for fire
(place the cream cheese in the celery and run)
as long as i am torn up, golden flowers will grow
still on monday, i am gone

the eager hawk rips the chipmunk
(my heart is a hummingbird)
galaxies collide; i hear the sound

what i've actually been up to...

so my emo rantings tend to obscure larger pictures: thus, here's what i did today:
1. ate nuked organic pizza and took a long shower
2. ran in and out of the house several times trying to figure out which coat would be most practical given the strange weather (51 but sunny and warm)
3. walked to clock shop, after catching bus, and picked up swiss watch that my mom washed in teh washing machine and thus destroyed (5 years ago) after it had been fixed for the nth time (this time they fixed it good, even having it brought back in when it went bad once, for free)
4. went to bass guitar lessons, setting up payment on my debit card, and releanred stuff (frets, notes, letters, how to hold guitar, how to play it, etc, and the fact that i need to decide how i want to learn it)
the instructor was nice, but kinda lame, expressing his joy with being dull and married..but frienly enough and intelligent
5. freaked out in my mind over teh fact that i don't have a summer job for sure yet...need to apply to stuff, but the whole FREAKING town of grad students and not-students are applying for all them jobs, and i'm barely qualified for much of anything...
6. went to the co-op to get a drink, came out with a discoutned, day old salad and a cookie as well as a raspberry cream soda
7. spotted/heard pretty good strokes-ish band on the green in front of the union, walked past it feeling self-conscious of the guitar on my back, and stopped at a picnic table in the middle of a stream (on a peninsula) to eat my grub, which was tasty, tho i didn't have a fork
8. vegged out, absorbing the sun, the wind, the music in teh distance, and the trio of older people staring at me who were wading in teh stream...they went away soon thereafter
9. walked to the fine arts building, avoided eye contact with cool-seeming person when i probly should have nodded my head, and then went to the fibers lab to make a warp and lash it on
10. did the latter, while avoiding contact with mildly-irritating male student, who at one point offered that i should use a tapestry brush if i was doing tapestry, to which i replied that i'd gotten used to just using the reed (and thus avoided insulting the fact that he'd offered me a tapestry brush as 'this thing' and for a rag-weave that doesn't require such a tool)
11. left, walked home, thought about taking the bus cuz i was feeling chilly and carrying the waste from the picnic (so i could recycle it), but decided i could use the exercise
12. thought more about job problem, as well as about next weekend, when my sister (ml) and my parents are coming for easter...with me as host
13. found package from my parents, full of candy and a rubber ducky
14. looked at rubber ducky, confused, called my mom, and discovered that she thought it would be a good easter decoration
15. ate candy, told my mom she should call me back when she'd finished watching her mystery flic as she was clearly not listening to me
16. searched for hellblazer comics on ebay...i have almost the full run of jamie delano on said comic (only lacking 20-27, minus 22)...found some things, bid on three, lost on one, waiting outcome of others...
17. talked to my mom, who called my land line, while making mushroom-based pasta, with extra-grainy, touch 10grain bread from the bakery down the street
18. ate food while watching monty python's circus on pbs...watched something i can't remember, wished i was watching dr. who or farscape, and then read y the last man volume 1
19. looked at prices of volume 2, decided to borrow from friends or use the library cuz i'm poor (volume 1 cost 6 dollars at my local comic book store...yay!!)
20. thought o emailing ryan to ask to borrow them, decided he probly didn't have them in nyc nor the money to send me random books i want to borrow, and looked at his blog
21. found it hard to read his blog, as my brain started doing things, and decided to detail the day i'd lived on my blog
22. did so
23. looked at alex with irritation as he bit me affectionately for the upteenth time and then decided it is indeed a good thing to live with a cat, even one so damn loving...ugh
24. listend to train in distance and clicked 'publish post'

post-post-modern life

reality is constantly changing; it's negotiated by self and society
and more than that

i dream that i am standing in front of a mirror
night after night
sometimes i just stare
watch my self unfold
bearded me, younger me
smarter me, there i am, the me that's watching me
once i shook my head back and forth (as if to say no
as if to reject the whole notion of dreaming of a mirror)
i stood in the reflecting water-surface
laughing, cackling like some dream-witch, but me
very much me, and i also watched
the me that shook his head, that tried to pull away
i laughed at myself, to myself, wondered
at the ridiculousness of my life
the seriousness with which i frowned
and shook my head some more

reality is that a storm came through friday
and i ran until my legs wouldn't work anymore
i ran and ran
i almost thought i was struck by lightning
my heightened emotional state the final click in the computer
that is the universe, the final registration
before death, and then i was home
standing in the doorway
wishing i were still running, still with purpose

reality is a storm that came through tonight
i sat in front of the television with alexander on my lap
i tried to pretend the world was far away
the wind that howled through the sky outside
could not in fact be the wind that howled outside of me
inside of me
i hid in front of the television and waited for tornado warnings
until the only thing left to watch was the shocked news correspondents
whispering and twittering like insects aroudn a lamp post
in may

reality is me sitting in front of this computer
wishing i could skip through all this grime and shit
to be standing next to you

reality is the water on my window screens
the currents between here and there

google 'em

so
instead of doing something useful, i googled people i knew in high school
mostly cuz there was this girl i dug who i wanted to check up on
she failed/went to community college when she wanted to go to UM
anyway, turns out 1. my old best friend has a website up proclaiming himself incredibly hot and asking any woman who lives up to his requirements (there's a list, including not being crazy, a stalker, or wanting anything more than sex) to contact him for sex...2. two people i knew who were jerks have stuff on myspace.com, where it's just weird cuz they look like the same dumbasses and talk like it too, but they're pictured with ties and wifely looking (ugly tho) women
3. an old friend, who treated me like crap once and who went to UM (and who i'm pretty sure thought i thought he was lame cuz he was poor but really that made me think he was cooler cuz i was surrounded by rich brats at the time (my junior year, ala pre-nelp and avani/marie)) has a full website on graphic design, with a bunch of stuff he's done, including painting/designing the art at a2's trader joe's

mostly, weird
but also addictive
cuz it's creepy
oh, i also saw a pic of my old friend/sorta girlyfriend from grade school
least i think it was her...a. in sorrority, b. acne problems, c. fat
AI!
anyway, hopefully t'weren't her, tho she did get lame once we got to high school, junior year, tho i was never sure why...maybe she had sex or soemthing and it BLEW her mind
haha
i dunno

looking back, i'm so fucking glad i know my friends i know now,
cuz the people i knew then were pretty lame
tho that last guy, the trader joe guy, was really cool...i think he thought i kinda wanted him tho...which made things Weird
plus everyone i knew then was REALLY catholic
cept this one girl who's probly still convinced i'm her stalker
tho i haven't been near her since we graduate high school
wow, that's long ago

anyway, i've gotta go chill/drink tea/read a book/cuddle with my cat
and then it's off to bed for to get to class tomorrow and then off to work and home again to read 3 books over the weekend...
oioioi

(also, i've been reading a bit of hellblazer, the delano run, gotta say i dig it)

is it fear?

i just walked past a black guy raising money for the homeless who said 'save a life?!' to the bland apathy of the students walking by
and i said 'sorry, got nothin on me'
but i did, i just a. figured i couldn't really spare it, b. reacted to him like i would to a panhandler, and c. was shocked
i should have stopped, asked him what it was for, given him a dollar if i had it, apologized if i didn't
but i was scared

our modern world is based upon fear
or so many would have us believe; v for vendetta tells the story of a not-too-distant london that more resembles modern US than any scifi i've read
altho it does little for the original voice of the graphic novel, the film really effected me, not only because it spoke of love as powerful, as powerful as destruction, and not merely as emotional, pukey sentiment
but also because i saw myself in evey hammond
which i didn't see in the book; she was too weak, too insipid and trusting
but there was a fire, a weakness in the film that i found believable
and that i saw in myself

i'm scared to death of the future
i was scared today that my dollar might be needed this summer, when i may or may not have a job
i'm scared of the riots in paris, where people are beating fellow protestors all in some mindless fight to be able to live the 'dream' of suburbia
we don't want to be alive anymore
we want to be dolls in houses that we can't get out of
but at least no one can get in

v for vendetta might not be right about some things
for one, it's often cheesey and a lot of the cool torture parts of the book are gone
(tho thank god it's not so masterbationally moore)
but it's right about america, about maybe the whole wealthy world
we know our success is standing on teh top of bodies and corpses and ruins
we know it's a careful balance we hold, that at any moment, we could descend into the pits of despair from which our profit comes
we know that bush could come into our homes and arrest us if someone made up a lie about something we didn't do, that witch hunts are very modern, that suburbanites would rather skewer an environmentalist than see the effects of their actions

i was so scared of him, asking me for money, that i walked right by
because i'm aware, i see the world, i want to change it
but i'm too scared that i'll lose what i DO have in the process
so i can't help but think that we could all use what evey hammond got, a little awareness of the fleeting nature of all things but that 'last inch'...tho because i know this concept, because i understand it, shouldn't i be able to live my life with the awareness that no matter what happens, what people take, what falls apart, there is always something beyond humans, there is light and life and the black love of the universe...?
shouldn't i be able to walk back there, give the guy my dollar, and not worry whether or not i ever make it to that bungalo in the sun with the girl of my dreams?

i was afraid, i am afraid, and that's why i'm not so motivated to contact any activist groups, to join their protests,
because the little life i lead is so precarious,
because i don't think that those people in v for vendetta, if they were real, would have joined together to oust the big bad, because i don't htink i would have either..
because all our little lives are so precarious, because we are so intertwined with our flesh, because we've forgotten our roots in the soil, in the earth, in the air, in the galaxy...
because we are so fragile,
i am afraid
and i don't know what to do

gloss-y

haven't posted in a while
been in A2 visiting friends and family
saw sherri and cristina mezuk, but that's it...thea was too busy with work, emily never returned my call, and phoebe is coming to the very last minute in terms of finishing her new comic
but i had a good time with my parents
got a sandman comic, the new neko case, and some japanese candy
plus i got to eat at la chiche which is mediteranean/middle eastern and thus wicked good
i realized that bton is TINY, the restaurants are very limited, there are no REAL cafes (ie they all serve more to diner crowds), and there are much less people here than in a2
thus my people troubles
but i also found myself thinking that i've stopped speaking, stopped being confident here, cuz of whatever reasons
so i'm going to make a conscious effort to speak up
anyway, it's lonely here, and not as nice as i'd like...i almost ran down to the park down the street in my socks and swung on the swing, but there's no one here to race or to swing with or with whom to talk about things
or laugh with
or take photos with
it's very dull
all the more reason to shout to the skies until someone cool hears me
anyway, i'm listening to bob dylan
eating baked chips
drinking chai
wiggling my toes to keep them warm cuz i opened the window
and hoping my dad's lymphoma goes the way we hope
(recently, they discovered that the tumor's are growing faster, larger, etc...and it's a tossup as to whether or not that means 'yay, it's curable' or 'um, yeah, he's got a month or 2'...so, scary)
may the sky turn blue when you read this
and remember that i'm waiting to see you again

snort

i had intended to say something profound
but i'm all drained of inspiration...
i'm at work and wondering...
wandering
flundering
blundering
i'm playing they rhyme game from the princess bride a lot latelly...and reading lotsa graphic novels too, tho i don't have to buy them cuz i just order them through the library...
i think i ordered v for vendetta, but i can never tell...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
oh dear o h de a ar
what a waaaa a st tte of space
spaaaaaaaccssssssseeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiioooooouuuuuuuuuuu
wow, i'm bored to tears with my life
yet it's rather overwhelming
i have to decide whether to go to um over teh summer for language learning, tho i haven't any funding....so it's looking less and less possible...plus i can work for money if i stay in bton over the usmmer
which almost outweighs the ick that is indiana in the summer time
ugh
and i have to figure out what my thesis committee/topicc are....and other things
but i realized i can't let it get me down
...
okay, here's something i realized:
everyone is trying to impress how very dire the situation is, how much i need to commit to their field, to this to that to marriage to kids to lame to dumb to being irritating
because they ahve already committed themsleves
and not only do i hold the power of potentiality, i also demonstrate a disagreemtn and implicit critcism of their lifechoices/style by choosing to do something else
when they know i'm intellignt, and cooler than them
hm
they know i'm cool so they hate me

therein is logic
and junk
tho it sounds ruther vain

somtimes i wish i was british or irish so i speak in an accent to myself an dunder my breath....

what i need

as of late, I've been trying to convince myself that all my problems boil down to
a. being alone in a city i just moved to after living near family for years
2. spring coming on
c. stress from grad school (anxiety, etc.)

but i can't
plus i read something or no, saw a film that demonstrated that all our problems don't boil down to one thing; we can't solve our lives
life only lasts as long as its lived
so i'm left to assume that it's a combination
that i feel crappy cuz
z. spring is coming on
y. grad school is deconstructing me, and i don't really fancy that
x. i am very much alone, and i very much miss you dear readers, and alex is far too horny right now to be of any use
w. i'm at a crossroads; i think i am afraid at once of both being here and not doing somethin gmore daring/risky/adventurous...that i'm not risking the right things
and (as well as)
i'm afraid that if i don't choose this path, i will make the wrong choice, that i'll be homeless, or jobless, or living with my parents in a trailer somewhere
which is all pretty unrealistic, and yet so very close to real it scares me

i think that, to boil all my problems down to one issue, as i've promised i wouldn't...
i can't seem to figure out what's reality, who defines it, etc
what is real?
my desire to do something for the planet? my desire to live comfortably? desire at its base? sexuality? marriage? children? school? menial jobs and poverty? activism? capitalism or any other social structure?

all i can seem to conclude is that there is a tree outside that is real, and he/she knows the answer, but won't dare speak the words, because then i'd know i know what's real and i didn't realize it before
ie i need to realize that it's all real
hmph

i hate indiana
i don't want to spend the summer here, tho i think i should
i miss my friends, and worry that i'm too snobby at the same time i worry that i'll let my walls down too quickly
i hate the food here, i miss my indian restaurants, and calling up my parents when i'm freaking out to just go grab a root beer or ice cream
i miss feeling alive, i miss spontaneity!, i miss watching cheesey movies with avani and feeling so safe i could scream!
i miss sitting down and not feeling like i need to get back up again and figure out what the hell is wrong with me that i'm here and not doing something better

i need to stop talking, go take a shower, watch a movie for class, and go to bed so i can get up early in the morning for work and take back said movie and grab bagels and SCREAM because i've been bottling
and the air that will rush into my lungs will be real, and that will be enough
for now

bits of wisdom

we all know everything; we just tell ourselves we don't because sometimes it hurts too much to know

hollywood kills good stories (see from hell the movie, argh!)

i am very much alone here, but i'd be fine if i could just forget that i am

apparently, the fibers lab here doesn't use tpins at all, leaving me to wander aimlessly ...

life is not a job, not a path, not a career; these are all words we use to bury the fact that every choice we make kils someone we could have been, as well as, in the case of americans and otehr wealthy people, the people we kill by just living our lifestyle

the world as we know it has maybe 100 years, then the arctic is COMPLETELY gone, among other things (we were only just starting to experience the effects of pollution from the industrial revolution in the mid-90s...much more terrible things to look forward to)

people who don't give themselves the chance to recover tend to hurt their hearts over a lifetime..

i need to take tai chi or i'm gonna explode

what if someone read and imagined so much that they exploded and caused a rip in reality into which everyone fell until that orginal person realized they'd died and that they need to just stop being in order to stop the eventual destruction of all that is...

people here don't talk much; instead, they walk into places, look about like idiots, then disappear as quckly as they came...

don't try to take a bus into a strip area in indiana; you'll end up fucked....they tend to have sidewalk until you get within a foot of the intersections, at which point the sidewalk ends so they dont' have to install traffic lights for pedestrians...

indiana is car-centered, ann arbor is people-centered...me want go home

ann arbor is my home

i want to go to europe

jerusalem garden tshirts are ade by american apparel!

the people you love will always die; the places you love will always go away

life is too short and too beautiful to get caught up in the past and the desire to make things what they were; everything changes, nothing can be born/new/created without the destruction....even breathing, we kill millions of people and dcreatures and moments that could have been

most things are reminiscent of the uncertainty principle in science; you can pin down one thing, but not the other, and vice versa

social sciences blow

married people blow; each other as well as in general

i live because i choose to

augury is no wheres to be found, cept in literature, etc.

so...

so i just spent the last few hours out with some friends, or possible friends
this girl i know from work invited me to her birthday celebration involving seeing kiss kiss bang bang, and i of course said i was interested, and then went today...
and it was fine
when i talked to her, i felt like i made sense, and i had fun
but i just can't seem to shut my mouth
like i was talking to the other guys there and i just couldn't say what a guy is sposed to say...i kept talking about my problems with my department, in that other students are too tightly wound (tho i phrased it more awkwardly)
and i kept coming back to feeling like saying 'i'm sorry, i'm awkward' but i know that's no excuse, and i dont' need an excuse
mostly i just wish everyone hadn't coupled before i meet them, and that if i do meet them uncoupled, they don't assume i want them
honestly, the more grad students i meet, the more i think the kind of woman i would like to meet wouldn't go to grad school, would be far too irritated by its constraints
and so too i'm more and more confused as to what is right, what i ought to do
i keep being pressed into choices, into actions that i would not take normally...i have to define myself as being committed to one discipline, as a good student, as a normal person, as someone worth employging, as a published scholar with innovative ideas
but i don't care about any of that, i'm realizing...i just want to make a difference, i want to change the world, i want to change peoples' lives for the betterment of the world
and yet i'm pushed into being one tiny grad student insecure of his place in the world, missing his parents, longing for his friends, and dreaming that even the people he loves get lost in the tornado that has become his life
one tiny mook in a fancy wine/cheese place having a stranger spot him the cash for food and drink, a stranger who could very well be his cool friend...but i'm so lost, so ... floating that i can't even commit myself to a conversation
because i'm constantly anticipating what others willt hink and do, and yet i'm haunted by my sister's words from a few summers ago when we fought over why we'd been fighting for the last 2 years..."you're anticipating, you're holding your cards up against your chest and not letting anyone else see, you're too busy trying to stay one step ahead of people to give a fuck about them"
and maybe i am, maybe my way of being scared is trying to manipulate others, but at the same time, i find myself in social situations with my mouth running off in the other direction, vomiting my emotions, my self onto the table in awkward lights and situations so that others can see, so maybe someone will point at it and say
"that's beautiful"

spring break announcement

CORRECTION!!!!:
i am going to be in ann arbor starting march 11th, not 19th, through that friday or saturday
so call me if you gonna be in town or thereabouts
sorry for the confusion
i think my school changed its schedule or i fucked things up

the good, the bad, and the cold

board game night was a bust
the first time
i confused the dates; the second time was awesome, tho i didn't make any particular friends...i met a lot of cool peop[le, mostly younger it seems, but NOT IN COLLEGE, ,er at least not grad school
i got to play pirate cove and had fun for an hour or so with REAL people

i keep missing phoebe on aim, which makes me sad, cuz she's so fucking cool...i often feel like i can't possibly be talking to her since she's so talented, but i gotta get over that or else i really won't be talking to her
mostly, i think i just need to get up around 10 on thursdays to catch her on aim...that seems to be when she's on...

i'm going to watch movies, and tomorrow, i'm going to play pool and try to do soemthing for the chinese new year maybe, and saturday i'm going to put some work on the loom and read, and sunday i'm going to read and maybe go see a matinee

otherwise, i'll keep on trucking, reading lovecraft's mountains of madness, trying to finish my application for a teaching assistantship, reading for class, finding a place to live next year, etc etc

so, in short, nothing terribly meaningful in this blog entry, but i wanted to touch base, cuz i'm pretty sure i'll be out of focus for the next weeks, what with 2 concernts (mi and l'au, and andrew bird), my sister visiting, applications coming due for funding, school getting dirty, and work getting busier
plus, i'm starting my new graphic novel, t he one i been talking about for a while, Triptych, volume 1, as well as finishing a story i been working on about the Unnamed...they're both good
tho, first, i should probly finish a story called demons...

anyway, i'm knitting a blanket and watching horror movies, what are you up to?

i'm cold cuz it's winter

or maybe that's a should be

never can tell with global climate change

parental advice

my mother and i were talking on the phoen the other day
boy that sounds lame but she called me to see if i was well after having a terrible virus, and i told her i'd just gotten back from a hike and was feeling short of breath
anyway, i told her about my problem with friends lately
that being that the people i interact with don't seem to be living their lives, they seem to be surviving them.... rather than taking actions as they feel are the right ones or doing what they know they need or want to do, people just do what's necessary to get by
they don't care about breathing anymore, they just let the system do its job and they become computer-beings or somesuch...people just doing what is the least necessary or defining themselves by one label and living their lives without reaching for dreams, or ethics, or morals, or love, or adventure, or risk, or challenges, or anything
and then i tell her i skipped out on two potlocks in favor of being on my own, and i had a BLAST ( i went to the local activist bookstore, bought two scifi/fantasy books, one by gaiman, and then went and read the gaiman one at the local coffee shop with a cup of wonderful tea and some strawberry cake...wonderful night, rather warm, and everyone was SO NICE) and how the people i don't even know are nicer and more considerate than a lot of my supposed 'friends' here (r excluded)...plus, they were more informed about events, and there were discussions i overheard about the environment and social acton and justice and whatnot
and she just says, well good, i'm glad you got to be around people who are 'actually alive!"
an she laughed, and i laughed
and i smiled so big
just cuz i realized i'm not insane
and there are worlds of worlds outside my own world, and things that academe just doesn't cover, and that i really do just need to find people with their feet on their gournd and their mind connected to their heart and lungs and feet

so tuesday, i'm skipping out on my coursework, much like i am right now, nothing terribly or decidedly shirky, but enough so that i can go to a board game night at the activist book store and hopefully make friends with some nice, cool people
so i guess i'm hopeful again
but watch out, i'm sure i'll brood at some point before the end of the week, if nothing else, then over the fact that i have to apply for ai-ships by the 1st, and the fact that i have to find a place to live for next year
why is house-searching so depressing?

anyway, to quote a friend, "the world could end tomorrow, so don't worry,
just go to sleep"

wwyd

what would you do?

when i first came to bloomington, i felt like i'd left behind everything i cared about...and for what? the chance to make more money?
i thought about it and couldn't figure out why the hell i was in grad school, although i've begun to remember why i went to college in the first place: to make a difference, to do something, to prove myself to the universe, to give something back to the trees and the faces and the skies of earth
But there i was, away from friends, from family, from the landscape i loved, and for what? Why, to participate in the ridiculousness of contemporary society? we move to get jobs, we move to find happiness, to get a bigger hosue, to get what we want, to have, to posess..
but i had just realized that what i wanted, what i needed, the life i wanted to live was made up of people, of animals and places
and i wasn't, nor am i now, sure if the mission mattered, if i really wanted to make a difference anymore, or if it was impossible, if the best i could hope for was to just survive, to maybe fall in love and find satisfaction

and then you hit it, the wall, the lack of want, satisfaction...i hit it last summer: i had friends, karate, i felt strong and cool and worthy of life
and then what? what do you do when what you know is right doesn't seem right anymore? what happens when good and evil mix, because they were never separate to begin with, and you just can't tell them apart?

i dunno
i'm asking here

the point i guess (shit i'm not good at this, maybe i should have commissioned a friend to write an essay on how modern lifestyles of migration tend to decentralize a person's self-confidence and self-hood, or soemthing)
the point is

i felt strong and safe and good back there, in a few moments, in some sunshine and rain, and then it blew away on the wind
and i let it go, i decided it was time to move on
which was the right idea, i think
but what do you do when everything you work so hard for just drifts away on the wind in the face of the rock in your hand, the need to do something to make the world better (not for me, but for people, for animals, and plants...not letting my hatred of people cloud my judgements, but working to make the whole planet closer to something stronger, to a moment or two of serenity and wisdom)?

how do you make the planet stronger while at the same time creating a microcosmos for yourself, without getting lost in either world, without losing either self, the hero or the lover?

how do you make a difference without cheating yourself and those you love?