another quizy thing

to knit, to breathe

i've knitted 3 scarves in almost 3 weeks
and here's number 4

happy holidays

still recovering from thanksgiving
...
it's astonishing how one really does need a day or two just to recover from 'vacations', especially when they involve family

i just put up my christmas tree
i was remembering when my parents bought the tree for me two years ago
i came home and found this tree with the lights on sitting in my entryway. at first, i was pissed, thinking daphna had moved my stuff and bought a tree i couldn't afford to give electricity to and which was too tacky for my tastes. then she said it had been there when she got here, so i called my parents. i had told them the day before not to buy me a christmas tree unless they could find one for 10 bucks, thinking they could never find one so cheap. but they tell me that of course they'd snuck into my apt while i was at class, although they had actually only meant to drop it off. and of course they had taken it out, put it up on my entry table, and decorated it. and of course they had left the lights on to greet me when i got home.
i miss such sweetnesses.

by the by, if you're reading this, i'm probably making you a scarf.
it's my supervillainous ways...

entangled in a personal statement and grading all night

"i'm going to make tacos from your corpse!"














i have to write a 3 story project, finish grading 40 some papers, and read several articles for said project (and watch 3 movies)

ai!!!!



do you know where you're going to?
Michigan

a whoa oh oh

i said hello to no one's there





















"hello"

belatedly halloween

last eve
the night of the full moon
i threw a party and invited 12 people, only 4 of whom showed, 3 of whom for more than 15 minutes, although i'll indicate as well that the 4th was soaked in mr. pibb by the time he got to my house and thus couldn't stay long...
so it was ok, but i realize how lame my friends are...how much they just put up walls and excuses rather than actually getting involved
and how very much i miss the people with whom i can just say random things or go hang out with by indicating that i'd like to hang out (and if they are unable, they simply say so, rather than feigning some excuse)....how very much i miss the people that i can actually love
(yes, cheese factor rising, but whatthefuck, there's no one here i can say i actually could talk about this shit with)
anyway, i'm lame, i miss my friends/family, i miss waking up and actually wanting to go out into the world, and i also have way too much to do before i can be mopey
also, here's a pic from a halloween party i went to last weekend

a paperwork world

so, yet again, i don't think i can do this grad school shit

is there something wrong with me? i know these people who spend their weekends and weeknights working on school work, reading and writing and applying to things. I spend my weekends goofing off, reading books or watching too much tv, or spending time with friends/family, or doing variuos other relaxing things. I spend my weeknights recovering from not sleeping enough and then don't sleep enough again because i have to do a lot of readings. But i know most of the other people, the workerbees, don't sleep much either, often less than i sleep.
Which is what I don't get. WHy kill yourself over grad school? It's like any other school, learning from experts the knowledge that you yourself could never come up with straight on your own. But then the workerbees tell me i'm ohsohealthy, or my parents do, or my friends do, and that i have a better grasp on reality than the workerbees.

but that seems strange, since professors forget me, or forget my research, or treat me like shit, or treat me kindly but then act like i haven't been talking to them for a bit over a year. my favorite prof just emailed me with a slightly harsh email because i kept fucking up a stupid advising form, that is only bureaucratic bullshit since i'm probly gonna end up changin my classes anyway. ARGH

i hate this whole situation. i want to learn but the people who have to teach me have to be sucked up to so that i can go on learning via their rec letters. but the fact that i'm leaving them means they don't want to write me letters cuz they want me to stay, not even because they like me but because they feel pressured to keep bodies here. i want to be a good student, but the expectations are impossible, especially with all this paper work floating around and the lack of funding. i'm supposed to work two jobs, take two classses, teach two classes, apply to phd programs, and fill out paperwork constantly so that the department knows i'm working on gettign my degree done?????!!!

today, i feel like dropping out of grad school, packing up the few things that i can carry in my hiking backpack and a spare bag, and hiking until i drop dead. at least then i wouldn't have to worry about paperwork (unless i got picked up for loitering or something)