Things are not well, as yet
and i don't think they will be for a while, but here's a poem
ENJOY
The fiber art of conversation
(a threat)
give me your hand
sweaty, clammy, stiffened by rigor or overwork,
before you show me your face
tear away the flimsy chemical stain of your words
so that i can smell you
cut through the air with scissors, with sentence fragments
shower me with ellipses and threads of paranthetical you
so that i can find your skin, the particles resting
between one body and the next
i want to hold you in my aura, touching without touch
hug you in a bear hug conversation, feel you
with poorly phrased grammar
give me your dirt encrusted, piss and shit stained love
or nothing at all
because i am done rhyming
with latticeworks of lace, pure as snow
allow me some yardage
or i'll cut through you, a single, spinning, bleached-white thread
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 09, 2007
tiresome
i'm a liar, a big, fat liar
i'm such a good liar that i'm not even sure what i've lied about
"when i lie, i lie to me first" - tegan and sara
or is that a lie too? are all these lies webbed together in such a way that i know the truth but refuse to recognize it only so that the lies can stand stronger than otherwise?
i don't know, i don't know
everyone is geting tired of me being confused and needy, myself first above all, but i don't know what to do to get out of this vortex...i keep reading, but like the narrator of Notes from the Underground notes, it only makes me more crazed for action
but the only way that i can take action is to either hide even deeper in the lies, such that i can be someone else entirely while living the next few months only so that i might find soe kind of freedom, or
i can become the lie, let myself fall into a pattern that i don't even think i can live with, not dooming myself, but becoming instead someone that i don't respect
but the quesiton becomes whether i can respect myself if i lie for the next bit?
i don't even really know waht i'm talking about, and i know that people are getting tired of that too, and i know that their lies are starting to fall apart and i'm pushing people away, and i frankly don't know what to do about that
maybe i'm imagining it
i know that i'm in trouble, i just don't know how much, how deeply, or who to really trust-----maybe i'm being paranoid
probably
whatever, i don't even know why i wrote this
except that i needed to express to soeone, somewhere, my utter confusion and desperation....how does one live in this world while remaining true to their ideals and whatever Light they choose to live up to? without becomiong separate from it? how can i ever speak to certain people again without lying the entire time?
i have to believe that things will get better, i have to hope too that my friends will still be there, no matter how tiresome all this anxiety becomes
i'm such a good liar that i'm not even sure what i've lied about
"when i lie, i lie to me first" - tegan and sara
or is that a lie too? are all these lies webbed together in such a way that i know the truth but refuse to recognize it only so that the lies can stand stronger than otherwise?
i don't know, i don't know
everyone is geting tired of me being confused and needy, myself first above all, but i don't know what to do to get out of this vortex...i keep reading, but like the narrator of Notes from the Underground notes, it only makes me more crazed for action
but the only way that i can take action is to either hide even deeper in the lies, such that i can be someone else entirely while living the next few months only so that i might find soe kind of freedom, or
i can become the lie, let myself fall into a pattern that i don't even think i can live with, not dooming myself, but becoming instead someone that i don't respect
but the quesiton becomes whether i can respect myself if i lie for the next bit?
i don't even really know waht i'm talking about, and i know that people are getting tired of that too, and i know that their lies are starting to fall apart and i'm pushing people away, and i frankly don't know what to do about that
maybe i'm imagining it
i know that i'm in trouble, i just don't know how much, how deeply, or who to really trust-----maybe i'm being paranoid
probably
whatever, i don't even know why i wrote this
except that i needed to express to soeone, somewhere, my utter confusion and desperation....how does one live in this world while remaining true to their ideals and whatever Light they choose to live up to? without becomiong separate from it? how can i ever speak to certain people again without lying the entire time?
i have to believe that things will get better, i have to hope too that my friends will still be there, no matter how tiresome all this anxiety becomes
Friday, August 03, 2007
"don't forget i let you in, and now i'll let you out again...
...you have yet to win my heart" - holly golightly
i moved into a new house, with bugs, and wood floors, and a busy street outside, and more space, and a much closer walk to campus/downtown/coffee
i'm not sure how i feel about it, but i'm just about moved in, and my roommate moves in on saturday, then i leave for about 2 weeks to confront the last chapter of my thesis in ann arbor, as well as to plan my syllabus, supposedly, though i suspect i'll wait until the last minute to do that
i have learned and relearned and realized a lot this summer, although i think most of all i'm plagued by dreams of what's happened, what hasn't happened, and what might be happening---the future isn't quite as frightening as the present right now, mostly because i feel the pull of so many things on me right now, pulling me in so many directions, just when i'd finally decided on some sense of direction
yet i remind myself that amazing people think i'm cool or amazing or whatever, so i have to remember that i'm feeling the pull, that i can choose what to acknowledge, what to do
and the path is never so defined as we make it out to be
so i can let a certain future in, and i can let it out again
....
MOSTLY, i'm looking forward to going back to michigan, chilling with brooke, and maybe eating too much at seva with my parents on a saturday
i moved into a new house, with bugs, and wood floors, and a busy street outside, and more space, and a much closer walk to campus/downtown/coffee
i'm not sure how i feel about it, but i'm just about moved in, and my roommate moves in on saturday, then i leave for about 2 weeks to confront the last chapter of my thesis in ann arbor, as well as to plan my syllabus, supposedly, though i suspect i'll wait until the last minute to do that
i have learned and relearned and realized a lot this summer, although i think most of all i'm plagued by dreams of what's happened, what hasn't happened, and what might be happening---the future isn't quite as frightening as the present right now, mostly because i feel the pull of so many things on me right now, pulling me in so many directions, just when i'd finally decided on some sense of direction
yet i remind myself that amazing people think i'm cool or amazing or whatever, so i have to remember that i'm feeling the pull, that i can choose what to acknowledge, what to do
and the path is never so defined as we make it out to be
so i can let a certain future in, and i can let it out again
....
MOSTLY, i'm looking forward to going back to michigan, chilling with brooke, and maybe eating too much at seva with my parents on a saturday