tiresome

i'm a liar, a big, fat liar
i'm such a good liar that i'm not even sure what i've lied about
"when i lie, i lie to me first" - tegan and sara
or is that a lie too? are all these lies webbed together in such a way that i know the truth but refuse to recognize it only so that the lies can stand stronger than otherwise?
i don't know, i don't know
everyone is geting tired of me being confused and needy, myself first above all, but i don't know what to do to get out of this vortex...i keep reading, but like the narrator of Notes from the Underground notes, it only makes me more crazed for action
but the only way that i can take action is to either hide even deeper in the lies, such that i can be someone else entirely while living the next few months only so that i might find soe kind of freedom, or
i can become the lie, let myself fall into a pattern that i don't even think i can live with, not dooming myself, but becoming instead someone that i don't respect
but the quesiton becomes whether i can respect myself if i lie for the next bit?

i don't even really know waht i'm talking about, and i know that people are getting tired of that too, and i know that their lies are starting to fall apart and i'm pushing people away, and i frankly don't know what to do about that
maybe i'm imagining it
i know that i'm in trouble, i just don't know how much, how deeply, or who to really trust-----maybe i'm being paranoid
probably
whatever, i don't even know why i wrote this
except that i needed to express to soeone, somewhere, my utter confusion and desperation....how does one live in this world while remaining true to their ideals and whatever Light they choose to live up to? without becomiong separate from it? how can i ever speak to certain people again without lying the entire time?

i have to believe that things will get better, i have to hope too that my friends will still be there, no matter how tiresome all this anxiety becomes