sposed'tas

i'm sposed ta be checking out oncourse or going through course documents for the first day of class that i'll be teaching
but it's also mary lyn's birthday this week, so i spent most of today making mixes for her, as well as bathing (critical!) and making a ton of chai for my first week of classes...
i'm not nervous about monday...well, yeah i am, but i think i'm as ready as i'll everbe...
the major problem i'm having with teaching is that we get this huge binder full of suggestions and helpful hints
which just makes you want to go crazy because there are all these little details that you'll have to remember in the midst of actually teaching...it's like when i first started tutoring; at first, i was so scared because i thought i had to get every detail down, but i didn't...it was much more of a flow than a list of details...
the hints did help tho
guess i should just think of this like that, huh?

in other news, i was feeling irritated by life, like i keep spending all my time doing stuff to make life liveable and never living it
never setting off down that long road with a bunch of friends and just sticking it out together
(that could be freudian, i'm not sure...)
and then i realized i was nervous about grad school and stuff this year because i'm afraid of being scared...of feeling that paralyzing dread in the pit of my stomach that will eventuyally lead to another fucking-a heart problem
which i'm pretty sure takes several years off of my life every time, tho no one has said so or given me any indication of such a conclusion
i just feel it in my body, in my bones

so i'm restless again, but more because it seems as though i never get to a point, tho i realize that life is not a series of events leading to anything, we are merely always drifting farther and farther from the point of origin
and the dimensions refuse to settle, to stay the same or even, in the long run, to obey the laws of physics

so i'll go to class and then to meetings and read up on the stuff i need to read up upon, and in the process be applying to phd programs, but all the while i'll be wondering, am i killing myself for nothing?
is this "all there is to a fire?"

FOotnote:
"I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up
in his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"

Then I fell in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away. And I thought I'd die -- but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?"

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my lst breath, I'll be saying to myself, is that all there is?" "

Peggy Lee- is that all there is?

hilarious

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060819/od_nm/india_operation_dc

academic fright!

someone was here
the crinkle of light through blinds and curtains sends the message
an SOS of a need for attention, a need for well-intended hugs
for the ability to speak and be spoken to
without words or committees on indiscretion

in addition, please note
the unmade bed, the litter on the floor (it's the kind i do not purchase,
ammonia-ridden pellets), the litter of alcohol,
strawberries, and bread-crumbs, the combined odor of which
thaws the air, cuts open my sense of optimism,
and leaves the beatiful, jeweled organs on the floor

how they sparkle!
the red-frozen innards that i was hiding, my own self-doubt
my carefully scripted organization of towels, fruit, and long-gutted dreams
they stare at me from the fur-coated carpet, my cat displaying himself
licking his sins away, while i sit here
gloating in a sadness that disappears
as the currents of air conditioning are turned off, leaving only the room
the person, the feline, the evening coming on,
and the fading silhouette of someone being here

the bends

i spent this past weekend packing and watching my sister have fun in a2, whilst i withered under the load of having not slept enough after cramming a bit for my japanese final
then sunday, i waded in the arb, packed all my belongings and came back to bton

when i got home, my name wasn't on the mailbox
(still don't know why, probly my mailman, reminding himself)
even tho i signed a lease for the next year
and then, my toilet was covered in blackish mold, as apparently, or at least according to my phone message, the toilet backed up because someone flushed too much tp down the toilet
but melanie told me she never did anything but water the plants
???
oh, what a mystery!

in addition, someone was parked in my parking spot....grrrr...
the next morning, i was so tired after going to bed at 3am (cuz we got back at 2), i accidentally turned on heat instead of a/c
which, thankfully, my landlord caught and switched off when he was checking the fuseboxes and the furnace...

but which made me look like a mook, doubly, as he left a note on my door earlier saying, please don't flush a lot of tp down the toilet...


so, in short, i'm feeling withdrawal symptons, including the desire to sleep or drink lotsa caffenated, sugary beverages....and watch movies, and read the new collected runaways book i bought in a2 afore i left

this message sponsored by:
"fraud in the 80s" by the Mates of State---a song in my head
(you will surely find this...pleasing to your ears)
and
the fantastic art of marcos martin



postscript: i am being published again, in Empty Pockets Vol. 2
which you can buy in a2!

doomed

i'm doomed
i keep putting off signing up for the gre for august...i will have to do it either today or tomorrow...but just now, i'm down in the dumps and extremely hyper
you see, i spent yesterday hanging out with thea, brooke, and bonnie, eating seva-food, running through stores, buying a board game, playing said board game, and drinking bubble tea...then i woke up to cool people on the floor in my room (really, i offered them the bed....really...well, there may have been clauses, and a contract...and maybe a barbed wire fency)
who then met me for some drinkies between class periods (thirstifiers in the form of iced tea at erc on s. u.)
and there were hugs, and silliness, and laughter and all that gobbletygook, so i'm sad
and i'm leaving for indi on sunday where it is always hot and i don't know that many people
but i should stop whining, cuz i've got a good feeling about this year, and i know a few people i at least like (a couple i downright dig, i just have to pull them away from work and such), and i have a nice place with a/c if i want it and a job to boot

still, i feel doomed
to live far away from the people i care about
most likely, it's the cafeeine talking (plus the lack of sleep and utter exhaustion)
but i do feel as though my life is not going the right direction, and i've gotta step up and live up to my potential
which means applying to a ton of schools in the next two weeks before classes and work start so i don't burn out this semestr...and maybe i will switch from globalization to a language course...it would probly be easier...

i guess that mostly i miss waking up to people in the morning (like when i was in high school, or for most of this summer, when i've interacted with my housemates, or like when people sleep over).....i guess i'm a bit of a mom, wanting to keep an eye on all the people i love
the world is so big after all, and we primates are so very small, and our footprints are sooooo big

i think most of all, underneath all the crap that isn't really so much bothering me ( i know i'll see my friends at xmas, tho maybe not thea if she moves to utah, and i know my life will have some meaning if i keep fighting for it, and i know that the application process is harsh but not meaningless), i'm wondering what on earth i'm doing studying japan
and how much of a difference it will really make
but even then, i sorta feel light as a feather, recognizing that the only reason i feel that is because people try to put me into a slot they can understand, put my work into a slot they can understand
because we're all trying so hard to understand the world we live through/in......

i guess i should just be happy living between the lines, but so much gets lost in the process
and it's much harder to apply for programs when what you want to do doesn't really have a strongly descriptive name
like hamster

or clout