sposed'tas

i'm sposed ta be checking out oncourse or going through course documents for the first day of class that i'll be teaching
but it's also mary lyn's birthday this week, so i spent most of today making mixes for her, as well as bathing (critical!) and making a ton of chai for my first week of classes...
i'm not nervous about monday...well, yeah i am, but i think i'm as ready as i'll everbe...
the major problem i'm having with teaching is that we get this huge binder full of suggestions and helpful hints
which just makes you want to go crazy because there are all these little details that you'll have to remember in the midst of actually teaching...it's like when i first started tutoring; at first, i was so scared because i thought i had to get every detail down, but i didn't...it was much more of a flow than a list of details...
the hints did help tho
guess i should just think of this like that, huh?

in other news, i was feeling irritated by life, like i keep spending all my time doing stuff to make life liveable and never living it
never setting off down that long road with a bunch of friends and just sticking it out together
(that could be freudian, i'm not sure...)
and then i realized i was nervous about grad school and stuff this year because i'm afraid of being scared...of feeling that paralyzing dread in the pit of my stomach that will eventuyally lead to another fucking-a heart problem
which i'm pretty sure takes several years off of my life every time, tho no one has said so or given me any indication of such a conclusion
i just feel it in my body, in my bones

so i'm restless again, but more because it seems as though i never get to a point, tho i realize that life is not a series of events leading to anything, we are merely always drifting farther and farther from the point of origin
and the dimensions refuse to settle, to stay the same or even, in the long run, to obey the laws of physics

so i'll go to class and then to meetings and read up on the stuff i need to read up upon, and in the process be applying to phd programs, but all the while i'll be wondering, am i killing myself for nothing?
is this "all there is to a fire?"

FOotnote:
"I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up
in his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"

Then I fell in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away. And I thought I'd die -- but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?"

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my lst breath, I'll be saying to myself, is that all there is?" "

Peggy Lee- is that all there is?