i think that i was too harsh in my last blog thing, as the people i was speaking of are...pretty coolish, niceish
i think i'm missing my friends and getting angry cuz there's nothing of equal depth here
partially
mostly, i am just very bored with this whole thing
but, what i mean to say is, you don't just make friends or find a life with one big gesture...that's not the way that problems are solved or connections made
it's a process, a painful, slow, long delicate, harsh, irritating yet enjoyable,a nd illuminating process
i think that i'm not able to find the process right now, and i'm sad that i can't, because unfolding people is so very beautiful and interesting and i miss it
that's all i meant to say
but in other news, squirrels keep walking above my study window on a power line and making me think there's an airplane out there, how weird is that?
Sunday, September 17, 2006
"i'm just so bored of wasting my time"
i'm sick of this
i keep trying to connect, to talk to people and understand what they're thinking or how they understand life
because it's worked in the past, and it's been beautiful knowing people, understanding them, seeing the world through their eyes and letting a little bit of what they see leak into my own eyes, letting the bricks and mortar be pierced by flowers and vines and clouds and robots and weird growths that i still don't quite get
i need people
i hate to admit it, but i do
and making phone calls in the middle of the night is good but it doesn't cut it
i need physical interaction, i need to see the world, to feel the night air and hear your voice right there, to be told i'm wrong or silly or being overly dramatic, to see your feet and hear the echo on pavement of more than my own shoes
i want to feel what i felt this summer, to have bonfires and sleep overs and run to random stores to buy games that i haven't heard of and be made fun of for things that i do all the time
"this sorry joke is all that we need"
i'm just so fucking SICK of wasting my time on people who don't really give a fuck about me
i know that people try, that they think they're doing their best, but i know that the people i know aren't trying hard enough
(the people here in indy, not you all)
they wouldn't sacrifice sleep for me, they wouldn't drive the extra mile, they wouldn't believe in me if it came down to that, they wouldn't stop the world to try to help me out
in short, they don't cut it
and the worst part is that i know it, and i would still do that for them...i would help them out no matter what, i would stay up til 4 am if it meant i got to talk to them, i would walk across town (and have) to do something as simple as keep them company while they have fun
or maybe i'm making this up, maybe i just want to feel better than them, so that when i leave, my heart won't get all twisty again
but i know that they won't even stay up late to do stuff with me, that when they get tired, they give in without hesitation, they pull away every time i try to pull them in close and that's simply all there is
am i simplifying? hell, yes...it's language and it's a fucking blog-entry
but i feel so ... not far away, but
i don't trust them, and with good reason, to be there for me
i trust my friends, i trust brooke and thea and all you all because i know your boundaries, i know the fence that you'll stop at on this long road of life, i know how far you're willing/able to go, but i have no idea when i'll turn around and these people will have stopped without telling me, leaving my back open to the unknown, to whatever comes by
or when i'll turn around and find a knife in my spine, well-placed and possibly carefully planned, a friend an enemy, a whole fucking year's worth of care and construction eliminated by a sentence or an action or simply an emotion that was there all along
i guess it all comes down to that; i don't know them, i don't trust them, and, worst of all, i know they won't go as far as i need them to right now
because i'm feeling very alone and i need a friend, but there aren't any here right now (which happens sometiems), so i keep trying to make them into one, but they aren't, they can't be that for me, either because they don't want to be or whatever
and you're probably thinking i'm being overly dramatic, and you're also probably experienced enough to know i often am, but i need some downtime in a friendly way sometimes, now being one o them times, to pull me away and bring me back into my world, our world, this world
and right now there's just no one able, so i'm angsty
so sue me
"no one visiting
is my punishment for
backing out
making sounds means
making friends these days
i wanna see you cry
i wanna hear you talk
it's been so still for a long time"
aberdeen city - in combat
other quotes from the stills - love and death
but hey, at least i get to go see sufjan stevens next weekend, that's something...
i keep trying to connect, to talk to people and understand what they're thinking or how they understand life
because it's worked in the past, and it's been beautiful knowing people, understanding them, seeing the world through their eyes and letting a little bit of what they see leak into my own eyes, letting the bricks and mortar be pierced by flowers and vines and clouds and robots and weird growths that i still don't quite get
i need people
i hate to admit it, but i do
and making phone calls in the middle of the night is good but it doesn't cut it
i need physical interaction, i need to see the world, to feel the night air and hear your voice right there, to be told i'm wrong or silly or being overly dramatic, to see your feet and hear the echo on pavement of more than my own shoes
i want to feel what i felt this summer, to have bonfires and sleep overs and run to random stores to buy games that i haven't heard of and be made fun of for things that i do all the time
"this sorry joke is all that we need"
i'm just so fucking SICK of wasting my time on people who don't really give a fuck about me
i know that people try, that they think they're doing their best, but i know that the people i know aren't trying hard enough
(the people here in indy, not you all)
they wouldn't sacrifice sleep for me, they wouldn't drive the extra mile, they wouldn't believe in me if it came down to that, they wouldn't stop the world to try to help me out
in short, they don't cut it
and the worst part is that i know it, and i would still do that for them...i would help them out no matter what, i would stay up til 4 am if it meant i got to talk to them, i would walk across town (and have) to do something as simple as keep them company while they have fun
or maybe i'm making this up, maybe i just want to feel better than them, so that when i leave, my heart won't get all twisty again
but i know that they won't even stay up late to do stuff with me, that when they get tired, they give in without hesitation, they pull away every time i try to pull them in close and that's simply all there is
am i simplifying? hell, yes...it's language and it's a fucking blog-entry
but i feel so ... not far away, but
i don't trust them, and with good reason, to be there for me
i trust my friends, i trust brooke and thea and all you all because i know your boundaries, i know the fence that you'll stop at on this long road of life, i know how far you're willing/able to go, but i have no idea when i'll turn around and these people will have stopped without telling me, leaving my back open to the unknown, to whatever comes by
or when i'll turn around and find a knife in my spine, well-placed and possibly carefully planned, a friend an enemy, a whole fucking year's worth of care and construction eliminated by a sentence or an action or simply an emotion that was there all along
i guess it all comes down to that; i don't know them, i don't trust them, and, worst of all, i know they won't go as far as i need them to right now
because i'm feeling very alone and i need a friend, but there aren't any here right now (which happens sometiems), so i keep trying to make them into one, but they aren't, they can't be that for me, either because they don't want to be or whatever
and you're probably thinking i'm being overly dramatic, and you're also probably experienced enough to know i often am, but i need some downtime in a friendly way sometimes, now being one o them times, to pull me away and bring me back into my world, our world, this world
and right now there's just no one able, so i'm angsty
so sue me
"no one visiting
is my punishment for
backing out
making sounds means
making friends these days
i wanna see you cry
i wanna hear you talk
it's been so still for a long time"
aberdeen city - in combat
other quotes from the stills - love and death
but hey, at least i get to go see sufjan stevens next weekend, that's something...
Saturday, September 16, 2006
nothing better
i don't like
where i've been
and i don't want
to go home again
i'm half asleep at the computer screen after having watched Valerie and her Week of Wonders, which was a wonderful film, but i could not find info on the actor who played eaglet in the film, nor any photos, and i'm sad cuz i wanted to use him as a base for a character in my graphic novel that i never seem to get around to actually doing
my eye lids are so heavy
i'm having a board game party tomorrow, and there's at least 4 people coming (rachel and her man, a friend from teaching and his lady) so it should be fun
we're making mozarella and brushcetta , and other snacks that follow the letter B, the color brown, and the number 6
i'm listening to the postal service for some reason
and i was almost involved in a match-making today; at work, there was a black lab puppy, which everyone knows is my particular weakness, by which i mean any animal/nature thatoccurs within civilizations' barren cooch, and so i was all over that dog once it was clear i had time to play with him
and he licked me up and down and loved me (but not in THAT way)
so someone i know at work whose friend it was,was all 'you got a girlfriend? a boyfriend? want one?' for me to go with the woman whose dog it was
not that she wasn't nice ,but i don't remember much beyond she may have had glasses and that she didn't particularly catch my flow of thought, other than that i wasn't supposed to let the dog bite me in play
and now that's got me wondering, why did i say no? is there a reason or am i just being contrary?
for that matter,w hy don't i ever fall in love?
silly thoughts, but i'm surrounded by romantics, people who never take breaks from relationships longer than a month, friends with perpetual lovers (ie spouses), people who are convinced of the importance of love, and people who live with it on a practical level
but
i think of love and i think of the look on my mother's face when she'd made a picnic for my brithday (or something equally fun and effortful and lovely) and then my dad yells at everyone, ruins my party, and spanks me for hitting him for ruining my party
at which point, i devolve into tears and run off
and the day is ruined and my mom would just have this look on her face like the world was a diamond shattering into a million pieces
or similar situations where i am the sole fuck-up fucking things up...
or i think of my sister who gets so angry at me for caring, for thinking of her, for wanting her to stop smoking
or my other sister who constantly needs affirmation and how i will not be gentle with my lover, even if i had one
or of my brother and his oh-so-perfect-for-him girly with their banana republic purchased souls
or my friends who got married too young and clearly are having problems cuz of it
or of alex who i love but who pisses me off constantly and is presently giving me fleas
sometimes, though, i remember this little brunette psychopath kid who would lie in bed at night and imagine falling in love with a girl with shortish brown, curling hair that sorta floats on the wind sometimes, or who has long black tresses that she rarely concerns herself with combing, and how he would kiss her and how they would travel from place to place and walk down silent paths in forests until the whole world forgot they existed
and then they would stop existing because i would fall alseep or my imagination would just stop there, with the love
so maybe that's it, i don't want anything more than the mere existence of love---so i can feel something like love or at least like for a girl named redmond despite the fact that the last time i talked to her she was in denmark and weirded out by me...and that's fine, because i felt it, i got to sense soemthing like that without having to go past the credits
but then i think, isn't there something worth all that pain? isn't there something worth all those shattering diamonds and icicles that inevitably break?
oh, fiddle faddle, i don't know
i'm tired and a bit exhausted from a long week of being late to EVERY FUCKING THING cuz i lost my watch, or no wait
it broke
and dreams are melting into reality more and more...i keep thinking i'm somewhere else or that i did something that i only did or went in a dream
maybe i already fell in love but i cannot remember, or i have in dreams, actually i know i have, and that counts more than any real love every could
and there are so many cats outside of my apartment that i hope they all have a real owner, and haven't just been abandoned or somehow found their way to my apartment complex whilest lost
like dreams without hope
or people in a capitalistic society
constnatly trying to sneak in the door while you've got all the bars up to defend yourseld
"ba ba ba ba
I've got a cupboard with cans of food
filtered water and pictures of you
and i'm not coming out until this is all over
and i'm looking through the glass
where the light bends at the cracks
and i'm screaming at the top of my lungs
pretending the echos belong to someone
someone i used to know
and we become
silhouettes when our bodies finally go
ba ba ba ba
I wanted to walk through the empty streets
and feel something constant under my feet
but all the news reports recommend that i stay indoors
because the air outside will make
our cells divide at an alarming rate
until our shells simply cannot hold
all our insides in
and that's when we explode
and it won't be a pretty sight
and we'll become silhouettes when our bodies finally go
ba ba ba ba"
the postal service-we will become silhouettes
where i've been
and i don't want
to go home again
i'm half asleep at the computer screen after having watched Valerie and her Week of Wonders, which was a wonderful film, but i could not find info on the actor who played eaglet in the film, nor any photos, and i'm sad cuz i wanted to use him as a base for a character in my graphic novel that i never seem to get around to actually doing
my eye lids are so heavy
i'm having a board game party tomorrow, and there's at least 4 people coming (rachel and her man, a friend from teaching and his lady) so it should be fun
we're making mozarella and brushcetta , and other snacks that follow the letter B, the color brown, and the number 6
i'm listening to the postal service for some reason
and i was almost involved in a match-making today; at work, there was a black lab puppy, which everyone knows is my particular weakness, by which i mean any animal/nature thatoccurs within civilizations' barren cooch, and so i was all over that dog once it was clear i had time to play with him
and he licked me up and down and loved me (but not in THAT way)
so someone i know at work whose friend it was,was all 'you got a girlfriend? a boyfriend? want one?' for me to go with the woman whose dog it was
not that she wasn't nice ,but i don't remember much beyond she may have had glasses and that she didn't particularly catch my flow of thought, other than that i wasn't supposed to let the dog bite me in play
and now that's got me wondering, why did i say no? is there a reason or am i just being contrary?
for that matter,w hy don't i ever fall in love?
silly thoughts, but i'm surrounded by romantics, people who never take breaks from relationships longer than a month, friends with perpetual lovers (ie spouses), people who are convinced of the importance of love, and people who live with it on a practical level
but
i think of love and i think of the look on my mother's face when she'd made a picnic for my brithday (or something equally fun and effortful and lovely) and then my dad yells at everyone, ruins my party, and spanks me for hitting him for ruining my party
at which point, i devolve into tears and run off
and the day is ruined and my mom would just have this look on her face like the world was a diamond shattering into a million pieces
or similar situations where i am the sole fuck-up fucking things up...
or i think of my sister who gets so angry at me for caring, for thinking of her, for wanting her to stop smoking
or my other sister who constantly needs affirmation and how i will not be gentle with my lover, even if i had one
or of my brother and his oh-so-perfect-for-him girly with their banana republic purchased souls
or my friends who got married too young and clearly are having problems cuz of it
or of alex who i love but who pisses me off constantly and is presently giving me fleas
sometimes, though, i remember this little brunette psychopath kid who would lie in bed at night and imagine falling in love with a girl with shortish brown, curling hair that sorta floats on the wind sometimes, or who has long black tresses that she rarely concerns herself with combing, and how he would kiss her and how they would travel from place to place and walk down silent paths in forests until the whole world forgot they existed
and then they would stop existing because i would fall alseep or my imagination would just stop there, with the love
so maybe that's it, i don't want anything more than the mere existence of love---so i can feel something like love or at least like for a girl named redmond despite the fact that the last time i talked to her she was in denmark and weirded out by me...and that's fine, because i felt it, i got to sense soemthing like that without having to go past the credits
but then i think, isn't there something worth all that pain? isn't there something worth all those shattering diamonds and icicles that inevitably break?
oh, fiddle faddle, i don't know
i'm tired and a bit exhausted from a long week of being late to EVERY FUCKING THING cuz i lost my watch, or no wait
it broke
and dreams are melting into reality more and more...i keep thinking i'm somewhere else or that i did something that i only did or went in a dream
maybe i already fell in love but i cannot remember, or i have in dreams, actually i know i have, and that counts more than any real love every could
and there are so many cats outside of my apartment that i hope they all have a real owner, and haven't just been abandoned or somehow found their way to my apartment complex whilest lost
like dreams without hope
or people in a capitalistic society
constnatly trying to sneak in the door while you've got all the bars up to defend yourseld
"ba ba ba ba
I've got a cupboard with cans of food
filtered water and pictures of you
and i'm not coming out until this is all over
and i'm looking through the glass
where the light bends at the cracks
and i'm screaming at the top of my lungs
pretending the echos belong to someone
someone i used to know
and we become
silhouettes when our bodies finally go
ba ba ba ba
I wanted to walk through the empty streets
and feel something constant under my feet
but all the news reports recommend that i stay indoors
because the air outside will make
our cells divide at an alarming rate
until our shells simply cannot hold
all our insides in
and that's when we explode
and it won't be a pretty sight
and we'll become silhouettes when our bodies finally go
ba ba ba ba"
the postal service-we will become silhouettes
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
concerts, concerts, concerts...and teaching
so last thursday, as i stated, mary lyn came to town to visit me with a friend of hers, and while it wasn't much fun, we did get to go see the Reverend Horton Heat, which was awesome and quite a lot of fun---the music was good, the venue was small, and it only cost me 5 bucks...which i haven't even paid yet, and might not have to, cuz ml felt bad about not coming back to actually hang out with me
then yesterday, i went to see I LOVE YOU BUT I"VE CHOSEN DARKNESS at a local record store and accidentally ran into this really cool guy i know who also teaches public speaking
we ended up hanging out the entire time, along with his super-funny girlfriend, and it was a LOT of fun
plus the music was FUCKING AWESOME, and it was a REALLY small venue so i could see most things although there were a lot of people in front of me... thesound system was a bit loud volume-wise, but it was pretty damn good
and then they gave me a ride home, which was great, cuz i was exhausted
and now tonight, i'm going to go nina nastasia at my favorite local venue, that is really small...hopefully, since it's Tuesday, I won't have to worry about lotsa people...
anyway, i'm off to go finish my homework and eat dinner, and then run off to see nina
oh joy!
i really shouldn't, though, cuz i have to do a lot of grading, since i just had the first set of speeches MOnday, and still have to grade a lot...
present music: Nina Nastasia - The Blackened Air
book: INvisible Cities by Italo Calvino
then yesterday, i went to see I LOVE YOU BUT I"VE CHOSEN DARKNESS at a local record store and accidentally ran into this really cool guy i know who also teaches public speaking
we ended up hanging out the entire time, along with his super-funny girlfriend, and it was a LOT of fun
plus the music was FUCKING AWESOME, and it was a REALLY small venue so i could see most things although there were a lot of people in front of me... thesound system was a bit loud volume-wise, but it was pretty damn good
and then they gave me a ride home, which was great, cuz i was exhausted
and now tonight, i'm going to go nina nastasia at my favorite local venue, that is really small...hopefully, since it's Tuesday, I won't have to worry about lotsa people...
anyway, i'm off to go finish my homework and eat dinner, and then run off to see nina
oh joy!
i really shouldn't, though, cuz i have to do a lot of grading, since i just had the first set of speeches MOnday, and still have to grade a lot...
present music: Nina Nastasia - The Blackened Air
book: INvisible Cities by Italo Calvino
Monday, September 04, 2006
Adventure ltd.
once i wrote a novel; i thought
it was a page I wanted to turn, an accomplishment
to be awarded. I thought life was adventure,
me the evangelical hot-ballooner.
turn the page, it's choose your own adventure
all over again. I keep looking ahead,
ruining the surprise and wishing
another choice into existence, another page,
another conclusion, then just as quickly
blink it out of reality because 2 seconds ago
the man talking to the cute, enviro girl across the cafe from me
said 'I started writing a book,'
his voice a droning sense of accomplishment
and it sent a page turning shiver down my spine.
'It's easy to get caught up in the bullshit,' she said,
the dialogue scrawled out of cute-girl's mouth and I know
I cannot turn the page, I never could.
I am trapped, like all things, in a badly written choose-your-life
adventure, circa 1982, a poorly put-together dream
without certainty or hope, other than imagining
that maybe the bullshit will end, and people
will start living up to their spoken-word poetry.
it was a page I wanted to turn, an accomplishment
to be awarded. I thought life was adventure,
me the evangelical hot-ballooner.
turn the page, it's choose your own adventure
all over again. I keep looking ahead,
ruining the surprise and wishing
another choice into existence, another page,
another conclusion, then just as quickly
blink it out of reality because 2 seconds ago
the man talking to the cute, enviro girl across the cafe from me
said 'I started writing a book,'
his voice a droning sense of accomplishment
and it sent a page turning shiver down my spine.
'It's easy to get caught up in the bullshit,' she said,
the dialogue scrawled out of cute-girl's mouth and I know
I cannot turn the page, I never could.
I am trapped, like all things, in a badly written choose-your-life
adventure, circa 1982, a poorly put-together dream
without certainty or hope, other than imagining
that maybe the bullshit will end, and people
will start living up to their spoken-word poetry.