nothing better

i don't like
where i've been
and i don't want
to go home again

i'm half asleep at the computer screen after having watched Valerie and her Week of Wonders, which was a wonderful film, but i could not find info on the actor who played eaglet in the film, nor any photos, and i'm sad cuz i wanted to use him as a base for a character in my graphic novel that i never seem to get around to actually doing

my eye lids are so heavy

i'm having a board game party tomorrow, and there's at least 4 people coming (rachel and her man, a friend from teaching and his lady) so it should be fun
we're making mozarella and brushcetta , and other snacks that follow the letter B, the color brown, and the number 6

i'm listening to the postal service for some reason

and i was almost involved in a match-making today; at work, there was a black lab puppy, which everyone knows is my particular weakness, by which i mean any animal/nature thatoccurs within civilizations' barren cooch, and so i was all over that dog once it was clear i had time to play with him
and he licked me up and down and loved me (but not in THAT way)
so someone i know at work whose friend it was,was all 'you got a girlfriend? a boyfriend? want one?' for me to go with the woman whose dog it was
not that she wasn't nice ,but i don't remember much beyond she may have had glasses and that she didn't particularly catch my flow of thought, other than that i wasn't supposed to let the dog bite me in play
and now that's got me wondering, why did i say no? is there a reason or am i just being contrary?
for that matter,w hy don't i ever fall in love?

silly thoughts, but i'm surrounded by romantics, people who never take breaks from relationships longer than a month, friends with perpetual lovers (ie spouses), people who are convinced of the importance of love, and people who live with it on a practical level
but
i think of love and i think of the look on my mother's face when she'd made a picnic for my brithday (or something equally fun and effortful and lovely) and then my dad yells at everyone, ruins my party, and spanks me for hitting him for ruining my party
at which point, i devolve into tears and run off
and the day is ruined and my mom would just have this look on her face like the world was a diamond shattering into a million pieces
or similar situations where i am the sole fuck-up fucking things up...

or i think of my sister who gets so angry at me for caring, for thinking of her, for wanting her to stop smoking
or my other sister who constantly needs affirmation and how i will not be gentle with my lover, even if i had one
or of my brother and his oh-so-perfect-for-him girly with their banana republic purchased souls
or my friends who got married too young and clearly are having problems cuz of it
or of alex who i love but who pisses me off constantly and is presently giving me fleas

sometimes, though, i remember this little brunette psychopath kid who would lie in bed at night and imagine falling in love with a girl with shortish brown, curling hair that sorta floats on the wind sometimes, or who has long black tresses that she rarely concerns herself with combing, and how he would kiss her and how they would travel from place to place and walk down silent paths in forests until the whole world forgot they existed
and then they would stop existing because i would fall alseep or my imagination would just stop there, with the love

so maybe that's it, i don't want anything more than the mere existence of love---so i can feel something like love or at least like for a girl named redmond despite the fact that the last time i talked to her she was in denmark and weirded out by me...and that's fine, because i felt it, i got to sense soemthing like that without having to go past the credits
but then i think, isn't there something worth all that pain? isn't there something worth all those shattering diamonds and icicles that inevitably break?

oh, fiddle faddle, i don't know
i'm tired and a bit exhausted from a long week of being late to EVERY FUCKING THING cuz i lost my watch, or no wait
it broke
and dreams are melting into reality more and more...i keep thinking i'm somewhere else or that i did something that i only did or went in a dream
maybe i already fell in love but i cannot remember, or i have in dreams, actually i know i have, and that counts more than any real love every could
and there are so many cats outside of my apartment that i hope they all have a real owner, and haven't just been abandoned or somehow found their way to my apartment complex whilest lost
like dreams without hope
or people in a capitalistic society
constnatly trying to sneak in the door while you've got all the bars up to defend yourseld


"ba ba ba ba
I've got a cupboard with cans of food
filtered water and pictures of you
and i'm not coming out until this is all over
and i'm looking through the glass
where the light bends at the cracks
and i'm screaming at the top of my lungs
pretending the echos belong to someone
someone i used to know
and we become
silhouettes when our bodies finally go
ba ba ba ba
I wanted to walk through the empty streets
and feel something constant under my feet
but all the news reports recommend that i stay indoors
because the air outside will make
our cells divide at an alarming rate
until our shells simply cannot hold
all our insides in
and that's when we explode
and it won't be a pretty sight
and we'll become silhouettes when our bodies finally go
ba ba ba ba"

the postal service-we will become silhouettes