"i'm just so bored of wasting my time"

i'm sick of this
i keep trying to connect, to talk to people and understand what they're thinking or how they understand life
because it's worked in the past, and it's been beautiful knowing people, understanding them, seeing the world through their eyes and letting a little bit of what they see leak into my own eyes, letting the bricks and mortar be pierced by flowers and vines and clouds and robots and weird growths that i still don't quite get
i need people
i hate to admit it, but i do
and making phone calls in the middle of the night is good but it doesn't cut it
i need physical interaction, i need to see the world, to feel the night air and hear your voice right there, to be told i'm wrong or silly or being overly dramatic, to see your feet and hear the echo on pavement of more than my own shoes
i want to feel what i felt this summer, to have bonfires and sleep overs and run to random stores to buy games that i haven't heard of and be made fun of for things that i do all the time

"this sorry joke is all that we need"

i'm just so fucking SICK of wasting my time on people who don't really give a fuck about me
i know that people try, that they think they're doing their best, but i know that the people i know aren't trying hard enough
(the people here in indy, not you all)
they wouldn't sacrifice sleep for me, they wouldn't drive the extra mile, they wouldn't believe in me if it came down to that, they wouldn't stop the world to try to help me out
in short, they don't cut it

and the worst part is that i know it, and i would still do that for them...i would help them out no matter what, i would stay up til 4 am if it meant i got to talk to them, i would walk across town (and have) to do something as simple as keep them company while they have fun
or maybe i'm making this up, maybe i just want to feel better than them, so that when i leave, my heart won't get all twisty again
but i know that they won't even stay up late to do stuff with me, that when they get tired, they give in without hesitation, they pull away every time i try to pull them in close and that's simply all there is

am i simplifying? hell, yes...it's language and it's a fucking blog-entry
but i feel so ... not far away, but
i don't trust them, and with good reason, to be there for me
i trust my friends, i trust brooke and thea and all you all because i know your boundaries, i know the fence that you'll stop at on this long road of life, i know how far you're willing/able to go, but i have no idea when i'll turn around and these people will have stopped without telling me, leaving my back open to the unknown, to whatever comes by
or when i'll turn around and find a knife in my spine, well-placed and possibly carefully planned, a friend an enemy, a whole fucking year's worth of care and construction eliminated by a sentence or an action or simply an emotion that was there all along

i guess it all comes down to that; i don't know them, i don't trust them, and, worst of all, i know they won't go as far as i need them to right now
because i'm feeling very alone and i need a friend, but there aren't any here right now (which happens sometiems), so i keep trying to make them into one, but they aren't, they can't be that for me, either because they don't want to be or whatever

and you're probably thinking i'm being overly dramatic, and you're also probably experienced enough to know i often am, but i need some downtime in a friendly way sometimes, now being one o them times, to pull me away and bring me back into my world, our world, this world
and right now there's just no one able, so i'm angsty
so sue me

"no one visiting
is my punishment for
backing out
making sounds means
making friends these days
i wanna see you cry
i wanna hear you talk
it's been so still for a long time"
aberdeen city - in combat
other quotes from the stills - love and death

but hey, at least i get to go see sufjan stevens next weekend, that's something...