not alone

so here's the meanings i'm about to write into a story about a guy who wants to be a hero
1. something i learned from harry--don't get so caught up in dreams that you forget to live in this world
2. But dreams are important, soemthying i learned from kazuo ishiguro--dreams and ideals are there for us to reach for, for us to try to do/live/be, and once we reach them (now italo calvino speaks), they become ordinary and we move on, to another ideal, to anotehr step on the path
3. and honesty is paramount--be only honest when in the company of thieves and they will fool themselves (forget where i got that, maybe joss whedon?)
4. yet i am afraid of love, somethihng i realized in a church of all places--don't worry, i was reading italo calvino at the time--i'm afraid of love, to love, to be loved, because i i lose control, because it will fall apart, because everything ends
5. BUT not everything falls apart--and more importantly, love is what makes life worth living for, in part or large part---friends and family and the laughter/energy of that is worth fighting, and worth living, for
6. so we are not alone, we do not fight this fight alone, on a battlefied, we are together and many---we can only live life or weather the fierce winds of chaos and finite danger with our hands held between us---naturally, we reach for eacch other, and in finding something valuable above all else, we also find the strength to be

IN OTHER NEWS
met with phoebe



and she inspired me to keep hoping, to keep thinking that i could do things that some people or persons tell me that i can't or shouldn't or won't be able to do
because i am me, and i have that capability

to be strong and follow my mind/heart/goals

xmas postumously

got many cool things this xmas
ml went nuts and got me the new spoon, killers, and buck 65
i bought myself les savy favs and sondre lerche, then sara got me dexter on dvd, a harry potter book, and some other stuff
i also got yarn, a suitcoat (that i bought several weeks ago and held onto cuz i knew there would be little to not xmas)
then my dad surprised me with bones on dvd and a new flash drive (cuz i just lost mine)---woopee
but the best part is we all went to xmas mass, ate food several times together, and made fun of one another, making the heavy stuff inm life lighter and the lighter stuff a bit more fun than normal
overall, a good break, but now i fear i've put aside too many imporetant details,,like appli ations to schools, to jobs, and what i'm going to do next year
thinking of woofing or moving to montreal reandomly, neither of which seems very possible at this points
wish i vcfould travel to the ccetner of a star jus t to watch it burn
cuz then life would seem less painful, less important, and a bit more real
not in a morbid way though, or watever

ps
life is good for now, haning with sara and doing nothing most days, not even caring about things that hurt, because they don't hurt as badly with her around
perspective, perspective, who's got the perspective
? my money's on my fam...

busy like porridge

i'm so sleepy that my eyes keep closing and my vision is blurry today
but that's just cuz i got 5 hours of sleep last night, 5 and a half the night before, and 4 on Sunday
welcome to HELL
or, in American, life.....or rather, having to do too many things that i was not notified i needed to do all at once while at the same time trying to finish two papers and a teching module and trying to work extra hours to make up for incoming spendage on christmas
argh!

plus, i've decided that i'm going to apply to the comm dept here---with the hope that i'll get in to both boost my academic weight in gold and to rekindle my spirits---seeing as how i find the cultural focus of the dept so interesting, specially compared to my current position weighed down with theories that don't really help
all i've ever wanted to do is describe the world accurately, to make you read a sentence and say 'oh' in a way that changes everything
but i keep getting bogged down in trying to prove myself, to profs, to school, to family, to myself---i need to remember that the reason i'm here is to both understand the world better and to learn how to tell stories that are socially responsible
rather than merely strategically money-making

in other news, everyone i know who reads this should send me their addresses via email NOW---yes NOW---so i can send their xmas presents this upcoming weekend, cuz i will most likely be doing everyone's presents except for tbird's---yes t, i'm afraid i haven't picked up anything for you yet

not much else to say, except that i'm world weary----i miss my friends in other places, and i even miss my few friends here (they've all flaked out in favor of paperwriting)–--but i get the sense it's that time of year, or i know the cause (in the case of one person traveling through europe)

i just thought of an interesting title for something: "traveling through europe with hot people"----like a dirty version of a mitch albom novel or something

sleep you, and sleep well---the world will collapse thursday night at 12 am
and then i get to rest, causing a domino effect
whereby not only will you fall into a bed that randomly appears before you
with clean sheets and a warm kitten waiting to curl next to you
but also the whole world will
the sun will wake up in a warm bed with black sheets
night will fall like a revelation
or a small bird in your heart that says 'who'

"put a little birdhouse in your soul" - theymightbegiants

so it's christmas...

and we're going to have to change traditions this year
because my parents have negative cashflow, in that they owe me 700 some dollars that I loaned them when they was in need (and i had just got my bookmoney) and in that they owe money to just about everyone
thankfully, my da is working, but only sub work, so there's little likelihood he'll even be able to pay for xmas dinner without borrowing from someone
probly me
the point is that we'll have to change our tradition from a consumer one, where we spend most of our time (as we have in the last few years) following various family member's desires to shopping for hours and hours
instead, i suspect that we'll spend more time at home, walking in the woods, talking over alcohol or tea, and trying to distract ourselves from the quaint tragedies of michigan's recession
which i'm actually looking forward to
i never really like xmas as a gift thing--the presents get boring for me after five minutes because i knew what i wanted or what i would get or i just get done with it--i'm there to be with people not things---anyway, i'm excited to see what happens when the money flow stops (a flow relative to most things so not really that much--we're talking mostly needed things like sweaters or shoes to replace worn out ones) and we're forced to face the reality of being very small specks in the vast tidal changes of the universe
i'm also TERRIFIED
so at the least, it should be interesting
if not overly dramatic and involving various revelations or moments of sobbing over the uncontrollableness of all things
hey it's the execution of all things
otherwise known as capitalism
after all, it IS the American Way