so
instead of doing something useful, i googled people i knew in high school
mostly cuz there was this girl i dug who i wanted to check up on
she failed/went to community college when she wanted to go to UM
anyway, turns out 1. my old best friend has a website up proclaiming himself incredibly hot and asking any woman who lives up to his requirements (there's a list, including not being crazy, a stalker, or wanting anything more than sex) to contact him for sex...2. two people i knew who were jerks have stuff on myspace.com, where it's just weird cuz they look like the same dumbasses and talk like it too, but they're pictured with ties and wifely looking (ugly tho) women
3. an old friend, who treated me like crap once and who went to UM (and who i'm pretty sure thought i thought he was lame cuz he was poor but really that made me think he was cooler cuz i was surrounded by rich brats at the time (my junior year, ala pre-nelp and avani/marie)) has a full website on graphic design, with a bunch of stuff he's done, including painting/designing the art at a2's trader joe's
mostly, weird
but also addictive
cuz it's creepy
oh, i also saw a pic of my old friend/sorta girlyfriend from grade school
least i think it was her...a. in sorrority, b. acne problems, c. fat
AI!
anyway, hopefully t'weren't her, tho she did get lame once we got to high school, junior year, tho i was never sure why...maybe she had sex or soemthing and it BLEW her mind
haha
i dunno
looking back, i'm so fucking glad i know my friends i know now,
cuz the people i knew then were pretty lame
tho that last guy, the trader joe guy, was really cool...i think he thought i kinda wanted him tho...which made things Weird
plus everyone i knew then was REALLY catholic
cept this one girl who's probly still convinced i'm her stalker
tho i haven't been near her since we graduate high school
wow, that's long ago
anyway, i've gotta go chill/drink tea/read a book/cuddle with my cat
and then it's off to bed for to get to class tomorrow and then off to work and home again to read 3 books over the weekend...
oioioi
(also, i've been reading a bit of hellblazer, the delano run, gotta say i dig it)
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Friday, March 24, 2006
is it fear?
i just walked past a black guy raising money for the homeless who said 'save a life?!' to the bland apathy of the students walking by
and i said 'sorry, got nothin on me'
but i did, i just a. figured i couldn't really spare it, b. reacted to him like i would to a panhandler, and c. was shocked
i should have stopped, asked him what it was for, given him a dollar if i had it, apologized if i didn't
but i was scared
our modern world is based upon fear
or so many would have us believe; v for vendetta tells the story of a not-too-distant london that more resembles modern US than any scifi i've read
altho it does little for the original voice of the graphic novel, the film really effected me, not only because it spoke of love as powerful, as powerful as destruction, and not merely as emotional, pukey sentiment
but also because i saw myself in evey hammond
which i didn't see in the book; she was too weak, too insipid and trusting
but there was a fire, a weakness in the film that i found believable
and that i saw in myself
i'm scared to death of the future
i was scared today that my dollar might be needed this summer, when i may or may not have a job
i'm scared of the riots in paris, where people are beating fellow protestors all in some mindless fight to be able to live the 'dream' of suburbia
we don't want to be alive anymore
we want to be dolls in houses that we can't get out of
but at least no one can get in
v for vendetta might not be right about some things
for one, it's often cheesey and a lot of the cool torture parts of the book are gone
(tho thank god it's not so masterbationally moore)
but it's right about america, about maybe the whole wealthy world
we know our success is standing on teh top of bodies and corpses and ruins
we know it's a careful balance we hold, that at any moment, we could descend into the pits of despair from which our profit comes
we know that bush could come into our homes and arrest us if someone made up a lie about something we didn't do, that witch hunts are very modern, that suburbanites would rather skewer an environmentalist than see the effects of their actions
i was so scared of him, asking me for money, that i walked right by
because i'm aware, i see the world, i want to change it
but i'm too scared that i'll lose what i DO have in the process
so i can't help but think that we could all use what evey hammond got, a little awareness of the fleeting nature of all things but that 'last inch'...tho because i know this concept, because i understand it, shouldn't i be able to live my life with the awareness that no matter what happens, what people take, what falls apart, there is always something beyond humans, there is light and life and the black love of the universe...?
shouldn't i be able to walk back there, give the guy my dollar, and not worry whether or not i ever make it to that bungalo in the sun with the girl of my dreams?
i was afraid, i am afraid, and that's why i'm not so motivated to contact any activist groups, to join their protests,
because the little life i lead is so precarious,
because i don't think that those people in v for vendetta, if they were real, would have joined together to oust the big bad, because i don't htink i would have either..
because all our little lives are so precarious, because we are so intertwined with our flesh, because we've forgotten our roots in the soil, in the earth, in the air, in the galaxy...
because we are so fragile,
i am afraid
and i don't know what to do
and i said 'sorry, got nothin on me'
but i did, i just a. figured i couldn't really spare it, b. reacted to him like i would to a panhandler, and c. was shocked
i should have stopped, asked him what it was for, given him a dollar if i had it, apologized if i didn't
but i was scared
our modern world is based upon fear
or so many would have us believe; v for vendetta tells the story of a not-too-distant london that more resembles modern US than any scifi i've read
altho it does little for the original voice of the graphic novel, the film really effected me, not only because it spoke of love as powerful, as powerful as destruction, and not merely as emotional, pukey sentiment
but also because i saw myself in evey hammond
which i didn't see in the book; she was too weak, too insipid and trusting
but there was a fire, a weakness in the film that i found believable
and that i saw in myself
i'm scared to death of the future
i was scared today that my dollar might be needed this summer, when i may or may not have a job
i'm scared of the riots in paris, where people are beating fellow protestors all in some mindless fight to be able to live the 'dream' of suburbia
we don't want to be alive anymore
we want to be dolls in houses that we can't get out of
but at least no one can get in
v for vendetta might not be right about some things
for one, it's often cheesey and a lot of the cool torture parts of the book are gone
(tho thank god it's not so masterbationally moore)
but it's right about america, about maybe the whole wealthy world
we know our success is standing on teh top of bodies and corpses and ruins
we know it's a careful balance we hold, that at any moment, we could descend into the pits of despair from which our profit comes
we know that bush could come into our homes and arrest us if someone made up a lie about something we didn't do, that witch hunts are very modern, that suburbanites would rather skewer an environmentalist than see the effects of their actions
i was so scared of him, asking me for money, that i walked right by
because i'm aware, i see the world, i want to change it
but i'm too scared that i'll lose what i DO have in the process
so i can't help but think that we could all use what evey hammond got, a little awareness of the fleeting nature of all things but that 'last inch'...tho because i know this concept, because i understand it, shouldn't i be able to live my life with the awareness that no matter what happens, what people take, what falls apart, there is always something beyond humans, there is light and life and the black love of the universe...?
shouldn't i be able to walk back there, give the guy my dollar, and not worry whether or not i ever make it to that bungalo in the sun with the girl of my dreams?
i was afraid, i am afraid, and that's why i'm not so motivated to contact any activist groups, to join their protests,
because the little life i lead is so precarious,
because i don't think that those people in v for vendetta, if they were real, would have joined together to oust the big bad, because i don't htink i would have either..
because all our little lives are so precarious, because we are so intertwined with our flesh, because we've forgotten our roots in the soil, in the earth, in the air, in the galaxy...
because we are so fragile,
i am afraid
and i don't know what to do
Sunday, March 19, 2006
gloss-y
haven't posted in a while
been in A2 visiting friends and family
saw sherri and cristina mezuk, but that's it...thea was too busy with work, emily never returned my call, and phoebe is coming to the very last minute in terms of finishing her new comic
but i had a good time with my parents
got a sandman comic, the new neko case, and some japanese candy
plus i got to eat at la chiche which is mediteranean/middle eastern and thus wicked good
i realized that bton is TINY, the restaurants are very limited, there are no REAL cafes (ie they all serve more to diner crowds), and there are much less people here than in a2
thus my people troubles
but i also found myself thinking that i've stopped speaking, stopped being confident here, cuz of whatever reasons
so i'm going to make a conscious effort to speak up
anyway, it's lonely here, and not as nice as i'd like...i almost ran down to the park down the street in my socks and swung on the swing, but there's no one here to race or to swing with or with whom to talk about things
or laugh with
or take photos with
it's very dull
all the more reason to shout to the skies until someone cool hears me
anyway, i'm listening to bob dylan
eating baked chips
drinking chai
wiggling my toes to keep them warm cuz i opened the window
and hoping my dad's lymphoma goes the way we hope
(recently, they discovered that the tumor's are growing faster, larger, etc...and it's a tossup as to whether or not that means 'yay, it's curable' or 'um, yeah, he's got a month or 2'...so, scary)
may the sky turn blue when you read this
and remember that i'm waiting to see you again
been in A2 visiting friends and family
saw sherri and cristina mezuk, but that's it...thea was too busy with work, emily never returned my call, and phoebe is coming to the very last minute in terms of finishing her new comic
but i had a good time with my parents
got a sandman comic, the new neko case, and some japanese candy
plus i got to eat at la chiche which is mediteranean/middle eastern and thus wicked good
i realized that bton is TINY, the restaurants are very limited, there are no REAL cafes (ie they all serve more to diner crowds), and there are much less people here than in a2
thus my people troubles
but i also found myself thinking that i've stopped speaking, stopped being confident here, cuz of whatever reasons
so i'm going to make a conscious effort to speak up
anyway, it's lonely here, and not as nice as i'd like...i almost ran down to the park down the street in my socks and swung on the swing, but there's no one here to race or to swing with or with whom to talk about things
or laugh with
or take photos with
it's very dull
all the more reason to shout to the skies until someone cool hears me
anyway, i'm listening to bob dylan
eating baked chips
drinking chai
wiggling my toes to keep them warm cuz i opened the window
and hoping my dad's lymphoma goes the way we hope
(recently, they discovered that the tumor's are growing faster, larger, etc...and it's a tossup as to whether or not that means 'yay, it's curable' or 'um, yeah, he's got a month or 2'...so, scary)
may the sky turn blue when you read this
and remember that i'm waiting to see you again
Friday, March 03, 2006
snort
i had intended to say something profound
but i'm all drained of inspiration...
i'm at work and wondering...
wandering
flundering
blundering
i'm playing they rhyme game from the princess bride a lot latelly...and reading lotsa graphic novels too, tho i don't have to buy them cuz i just order them through the library...
i think i ordered v for vendetta, but i can never tell...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
oh dear o h de a ar
what a waaaa a st tte of space
spaaaaaaaccssssssseeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiioooooouuuuuuuuuuu
wow, i'm bored to tears with my life
yet it's rather overwhelming
i have to decide whether to go to um over teh summer for language learning, tho i haven't any funding....so it's looking less and less possible...plus i can work for money if i stay in bton over the usmmer
which almost outweighs the ick that is indiana in the summer time
ugh
and i have to figure out what my thesis committee/topicc are....and other things
but i realized i can't let it get me down
...
okay, here's something i realized:
everyone is trying to impress how very dire the situation is, how much i need to commit to their field, to this to that to marriage to kids to lame to dumb to being irritating
because they ahve already committed themsleves
and not only do i hold the power of potentiality, i also demonstrate a disagreemtn and implicit critcism of their lifechoices/style by choosing to do something else
when they know i'm intellignt, and cooler than them
hm
they know i'm cool so they hate me
therein is logic
and junk
tho it sounds ruther vain
somtimes i wish i was british or irish so i speak in an accent to myself an dunder my breath....
but i'm all drained of inspiration...
i'm at work and wondering...
wandering
flundering
blundering
i'm playing they rhyme game from the princess bride a lot latelly...and reading lotsa graphic novels too, tho i don't have to buy them cuz i just order them through the library...
i think i ordered v for vendetta, but i can never tell...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
oh dear o h de a ar
what a waaaa a st tte of space
spaaaaaaaccssssssseeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiioooooouuuuuuuuuuu
wow, i'm bored to tears with my life
yet it's rather overwhelming
i have to decide whether to go to um over teh summer for language learning, tho i haven't any funding....so it's looking less and less possible...plus i can work for money if i stay in bton over the usmmer
which almost outweighs the ick that is indiana in the summer time
ugh
and i have to figure out what my thesis committee/topicc are....and other things
but i realized i can't let it get me down
...
okay, here's something i realized:
everyone is trying to impress how very dire the situation is, how much i need to commit to their field, to this to that to marriage to kids to lame to dumb to being irritating
because they ahve already committed themsleves
and not only do i hold the power of potentiality, i also demonstrate a disagreemtn and implicit critcism of their lifechoices/style by choosing to do something else
when they know i'm intellignt, and cooler than them
hm
they know i'm cool so they hate me
therein is logic
and junk
tho it sounds ruther vain
somtimes i wish i was british or irish so i speak in an accent to myself an dunder my breath....
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
what i need
as of late, I've been trying to convince myself that all my problems boil down to
a. being alone in a city i just moved to after living near family for years
2. spring coming on
c. stress from grad school (anxiety, etc.)
but i can't
plus i read something or no, saw a film that demonstrated that all our problems don't boil down to one thing; we can't solve our lives
life only lasts as long as its lived
so i'm left to assume that it's a combination
that i feel crappy cuz
z. spring is coming on
y. grad school is deconstructing me, and i don't really fancy that
x. i am very much alone, and i very much miss you dear readers, and alex is far too horny right now to be of any use
w. i'm at a crossroads; i think i am afraid at once of both being here and not doing somethin gmore daring/risky/adventurous...that i'm not risking the right things
and (as well as)
i'm afraid that if i don't choose this path, i will make the wrong choice, that i'll be homeless, or jobless, or living with my parents in a trailer somewhere
which is all pretty unrealistic, and yet so very close to real it scares me
i think that, to boil all my problems down to one issue, as i've promised i wouldn't...
i can't seem to figure out what's reality, who defines it, etc
what is real?
my desire to do something for the planet? my desire to live comfortably? desire at its base? sexuality? marriage? children? school? menial jobs and poverty? activism? capitalism or any other social structure?
all i can seem to conclude is that there is a tree outside that is real, and he/she knows the answer, but won't dare speak the words, because then i'd know i know what's real and i didn't realize it before
ie i need to realize that it's all real
hmph
i hate indiana
i don't want to spend the summer here, tho i think i should
i miss my friends, and worry that i'm too snobby at the same time i worry that i'll let my walls down too quickly
i hate the food here, i miss my indian restaurants, and calling up my parents when i'm freaking out to just go grab a root beer or ice cream
i miss feeling alive, i miss spontaneity!, i miss watching cheesey movies with avani and feeling so safe i could scream!
i miss sitting down and not feeling like i need to get back up again and figure out what the hell is wrong with me that i'm here and not doing something better
i need to stop talking, go take a shower, watch a movie for class, and go to bed so i can get up early in the morning for work and take back said movie and grab bagels and SCREAM because i've been bottling
and the air that will rush into my lungs will be real, and that will be enough
for now
a. being alone in a city i just moved to after living near family for years
2. spring coming on
c. stress from grad school (anxiety, etc.)
but i can't
plus i read something or no, saw a film that demonstrated that all our problems don't boil down to one thing; we can't solve our lives
life only lasts as long as its lived
so i'm left to assume that it's a combination
that i feel crappy cuz
z. spring is coming on
y. grad school is deconstructing me, and i don't really fancy that
x. i am very much alone, and i very much miss you dear readers, and alex is far too horny right now to be of any use
w. i'm at a crossroads; i think i am afraid at once of both being here and not doing somethin gmore daring/risky/adventurous...that i'm not risking the right things
and (as well as)
i'm afraid that if i don't choose this path, i will make the wrong choice, that i'll be homeless, or jobless, or living with my parents in a trailer somewhere
which is all pretty unrealistic, and yet so very close to real it scares me
i think that, to boil all my problems down to one issue, as i've promised i wouldn't...
i can't seem to figure out what's reality, who defines it, etc
what is real?
my desire to do something for the planet? my desire to live comfortably? desire at its base? sexuality? marriage? children? school? menial jobs and poverty? activism? capitalism or any other social structure?
all i can seem to conclude is that there is a tree outside that is real, and he/she knows the answer, but won't dare speak the words, because then i'd know i know what's real and i didn't realize it before
ie i need to realize that it's all real
hmph
i hate indiana
i don't want to spend the summer here, tho i think i should
i miss my friends, and worry that i'm too snobby at the same time i worry that i'll let my walls down too quickly
i hate the food here, i miss my indian restaurants, and calling up my parents when i'm freaking out to just go grab a root beer or ice cream
i miss feeling alive, i miss spontaneity!, i miss watching cheesey movies with avani and feeling so safe i could scream!
i miss sitting down and not feeling like i need to get back up again and figure out what the hell is wrong with me that i'm here and not doing something better
i need to stop talking, go take a shower, watch a movie for class, and go to bed so i can get up early in the morning for work and take back said movie and grab bagels and SCREAM because i've been bottling
and the air that will rush into my lungs will be real, and that will be enough
for now