Saturday, October 22, 2005
Thursday, October 13, 2005
recognition
i've come to realize that this was probably not the best choice i could have made
but i made this choice, i'm here, and i'm willing to see it through to the end, to my ends..
i don't agree with folklore, i jumped in without knowing what it was, without knowing what the people here would want, would think, would believe about the world
but i've found friends, and other things
even a prof i agree with, find insight in, and am inspired by
but
(here it is, probably the reason i came here)
the one thing i never really allowed to enter my mind that i've come to recognize here
is that nothing's perfect
but not the whole 'nobobdy's perfect' or 'the beauty is in the faulty' or 'i love you for who you are not as well as for who you are' sort of way
more so just knowing that i'll never get anything right
NEVER
that everything that i do will be flawed, will be utterly off in some way, will never be exactly what i want it to be, what it should be
that i can never save the world, not really, because the world will always be on the verge of ending, because that is just a reality i have to accept
that stories aren't perfect, that reflexivity is not perfect, is not something to be striven for in every circumstance
which is soemthing i'm still working on
that ethnography is not inherently revolutionary or 'subversive'
but that maybe i am
maybe the power i've always been searching for is in myself, in my actions
and the discipline is just a glove
just a garish costume, blue and orange and silver,
just a tool, and ethnography is a tool, and reflexivity is a tool
to do what i feel in my bones, to find a way to make thing's less wrong
and it's so very confusing, and i miss the people who used to make things seem so clear
my mom, with her ability to make each moment feel like now, my dad, who just filled me with sight-bleeding anger, my sisters, who stress me out to the point that i forget who i am, my friends, each of whom uniquely makes me feel outside of the world, off in the stars, just basqueing in the light of a foreign star, lying in fields of green grass that i always forget
oh, i hate being sentimental, but i'm feeling sentimental
i hate blogs, too, but look where these words are
basically, i'm doing okay
beginning to understand that i don't know a damned thing
and that no one else really does either
except that everything is human(in human terms), and all that i can hope to do in my life is to create a greater awareness for a few people
so maybe i'm not so okay, cuz that's pretty depressing
in sum, i'm fuckin A confused and noone here seems any less the lost as i, and no one is here to really help me figure out what the fuck is goin down
although conversations with friends certainly do help a shitload...so thanks all
but i made this choice, i'm here, and i'm willing to see it through to the end, to my ends..
i don't agree with folklore, i jumped in without knowing what it was, without knowing what the people here would want, would think, would believe about the world
but i've found friends, and other things
even a prof i agree with, find insight in, and am inspired by
but
(here it is, probably the reason i came here)
the one thing i never really allowed to enter my mind that i've come to recognize here
is that nothing's perfect
but not the whole 'nobobdy's perfect' or 'the beauty is in the faulty' or 'i love you for who you are not as well as for who you are' sort of way
more so just knowing that i'll never get anything right
NEVER
that everything that i do will be flawed, will be utterly off in some way, will never be exactly what i want it to be, what it should be
that i can never save the world, not really, because the world will always be on the verge of ending, because that is just a reality i have to accept
that stories aren't perfect, that reflexivity is not perfect, is not something to be striven for in every circumstance
which is soemthing i'm still working on
that ethnography is not inherently revolutionary or 'subversive'
but that maybe i am
maybe the power i've always been searching for is in myself, in my actions
and the discipline is just a glove
just a garish costume, blue and orange and silver,
just a tool, and ethnography is a tool, and reflexivity is a tool
to do what i feel in my bones, to find a way to make thing's less wrong
and it's so very confusing, and i miss the people who used to make things seem so clear
my mom, with her ability to make each moment feel like now, my dad, who just filled me with sight-bleeding anger, my sisters, who stress me out to the point that i forget who i am, my friends, each of whom uniquely makes me feel outside of the world, off in the stars, just basqueing in the light of a foreign star, lying in fields of green grass that i always forget
oh, i hate being sentimental, but i'm feeling sentimental
i hate blogs, too, but look where these words are
basically, i'm doing okay
beginning to understand that i don't know a damned thing
and that no one else really does either
except that everything is human(in human terms), and all that i can hope to do in my life is to create a greater awareness for a few people
so maybe i'm not so okay, cuz that's pretty depressing
in sum, i'm fuckin A confused and noone here seems any less the lost as i, and no one is here to really help me figure out what the fuck is goin down
although conversations with friends certainly do help a shitload...so thanks all
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
quizliness
while avoiding writing a paper
i discovered two neato quizes
philosophically speaking, what buffy character are you?
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=17325897279428986557
and, how much geek, dork, or nerd are you?
which i don't have the url for, but which you can access from the same site as the buffy quiz, once you take the quiz anyway
here are my scores:::(i don't think the geek/dork/nerd one was right at all!)
Xander Harris
36% amorality, 81% passion, 90% spirituality, 72% selflessness Xander. Loyal, brave, true and passionate. Perhaps the best friend a person could have, always willing to jump into the frey to help out his buddies.
Also, one of the most popular characters in the Buffy universe.
Joe Normal
39 % Nerd, 34% Geek, 13% Dork For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal.
This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast.
I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal.
i discovered two neato quizes
philosophically speaking, what buffy character are you?
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=17325897279428986557
and, how much geek, dork, or nerd are you?
which i don't have the url for, but which you can access from the same site as the buffy quiz, once you take the quiz anyway
here are my scores:::(i don't think the geek/dork/nerd one was right at all!)
Xander Harris
36% amorality, 81% passion, 90% spirituality, 72% selflessness Xander. Loyal, brave, true and passionate. Perhaps the best friend a person could have, always willing to jump into the frey to help out his buddies.
Also, one of the most popular characters in the Buffy universe.
Joe Normal
39 % Nerd, 34% Geek, 13% Dork For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal.
This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast.
I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
yay
good news all round
1. i have a job, pays 11 bucks an hour, 10 hours a week, as a writing tutor at the writing tutorial services here at iu
2. my dad got a job, as a math teacher, in a grad school...i think...anywy, yay!
3. i'm having a party friday, yay!
4. i have to do a lot of reading and write a 3 to5 page paper before going to bed early tonight because i have a meeting tomorrow at 10 am...
not so much yay...
anyway, be well all
i promise to write more later
and oh, before i forget, i spent the weekend with my rents, who came down to visit, and we went hiking, to a lodge in a county park, which was cool, antiquing, to a mill for caramel apples, and i saw serenity for the seciond time cuz my dad really wanted to go...
be well
1. i have a job, pays 11 bucks an hour, 10 hours a week, as a writing tutor at the writing tutorial services here at iu
2. my dad got a job, as a math teacher, in a grad school...i think...anywy, yay!
3. i'm having a party friday, yay!
4. i have to do a lot of reading and write a 3 to5 page paper before going to bed early tonight because i have a meeting tomorrow at 10 am...
not so much yay...
anyway, be well all
i promise to write more later
and oh, before i forget, i spent the weekend with my rents, who came down to visit, and we went hiking, to a lodge in a county park, which was cool, antiquing, to a mill for caramel apples, and i saw serenity for the seciond time cuz my dad really wanted to go...
be well
Saturday, October 01, 2005
tired of...
WOW
people are so lame
so far
excpet for R and possibly D
i went to see serenity with some peops who invited me along,
and it was INSANELY good
and i thought we'd grab dinner before and then do something after
but they rushed me out of the meeting-bar, so i grabbed something at the coop
which took as much time as the restaurant would have
and then after the movie, they wanted to go somewhere
but after 10 minutes of trying to find a place and then settling at a cafe
(and, by the by, i was the ONLY person there who knew of places open late...)
we spent 15 minutes at the place, then they decided it was time for bed
at 10pm
on a friday
after rushing me through dinner
on a friday
at 10pm
so i had them drop me off at border's cuz there was a deal ml wanted me to pick up on for cds...and they LOST the cd she wanted....they just didnt have a fuckin clue where it could be...
so i went to rent a movie
and realized i was trying to replace my empty social life with movies
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
i swear, it's a fucking pandemic...everyone in this school's grad programs thinks they ahve to be in bed by 10pm EVERY NIGHT and that hanging out or doing ANYTHING fun that doesn't involve school is outright SINFUL
i just want to scream, and then drop caffeine pills into ALL of their coffees and/or teas to keep them awake so that they'll realize just HOW FUCKING LAME IT IS TO USE GRAD SCHOOL AS AN EXCUSE TO BECOME STUPID AND LAME AND LACKING OF A SOCIAL LIFE BEYOND YOUR FUCK BUDDY AND YOUR FUCK BUDDY"S FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then kick them when they're down...
yes, i AM that kind of person.
people are so lame
so far
excpet for R and possibly D
i went to see serenity with some peops who invited me along,
and it was INSANELY good
and i thought we'd grab dinner before and then do something after
but they rushed me out of the meeting-bar, so i grabbed something at the coop
which took as much time as the restaurant would have
and then after the movie, they wanted to go somewhere
but after 10 minutes of trying to find a place and then settling at a cafe
(and, by the by, i was the ONLY person there who knew of places open late...)
we spent 15 minutes at the place, then they decided it was time for bed
at 10pm
on a friday
after rushing me through dinner
on a friday
at 10pm
so i had them drop me off at border's cuz there was a deal ml wanted me to pick up on for cds...and they LOST the cd she wanted....they just didnt have a fuckin clue where it could be...
so i went to rent a movie
and realized i was trying to replace my empty social life with movies
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
i swear, it's a fucking pandemic...everyone in this school's grad programs thinks they ahve to be in bed by 10pm EVERY NIGHT and that hanging out or doing ANYTHING fun that doesn't involve school is outright SINFUL
i just want to scream, and then drop caffeine pills into ALL of their coffees and/or teas to keep them awake so that they'll realize just HOW FUCKING LAME IT IS TO USE GRAD SCHOOL AS AN EXCUSE TO BECOME STUPID AND LAME AND LACKING OF A SOCIAL LIFE BEYOND YOUR FUCK BUDDY AND YOUR FUCK BUDDY"S FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then kick them when they're down...
yes, i AM that kind of person.