recognition

i've come to realize that this was probably not the best choice i could have made
but i made this choice, i'm here, and i'm willing to see it through to the end, to my ends..
i don't agree with folklore, i jumped in without knowing what it was, without knowing what the people here would want, would think, would believe about the world
but i've found friends, and other things
even a prof i agree with, find insight in, and am inspired by

but
(here it is, probably the reason i came here)
the one thing i never really allowed to enter my mind that i've come to recognize here
is that nothing's perfect
but not the whole 'nobobdy's perfect' or 'the beauty is in the faulty' or 'i love you for who you are not as well as for who you are' sort of way
more so just knowing that i'll never get anything right
NEVER
that everything that i do will be flawed, will be utterly off in some way, will never be exactly what i want it to be, what it should be
that i can never save the world, not really, because the world will always be on the verge of ending, because that is just a reality i have to accept

that stories aren't perfect, that reflexivity is not perfect, is not something to be striven for in every circumstance
which is soemthing i'm still working on
that ethnography is not inherently revolutionary or 'subversive'

but that maybe i am
maybe the power i've always been searching for is in myself, in my actions
and the discipline is just a glove
just a garish costume, blue and orange and silver,
just a tool, and ethnography is a tool, and reflexivity is a tool

to do what i feel in my bones, to find a way to make thing's less wrong

and it's so very confusing, and i miss the people who used to make things seem so clear
my mom, with her ability to make each moment feel like now, my dad, who just filled me with sight-bleeding anger, my sisters, who stress me out to the point that i forget who i am, my friends, each of whom uniquely makes me feel outside of the world, off in the stars, just basqueing in the light of a foreign star, lying in fields of green grass that i always forget

oh, i hate being sentimental, but i'm feeling sentimental

i hate blogs, too, but look where these words are



basically, i'm doing okay
beginning to understand that i don't know a damned thing
and that no one else really does either
except that everything is human(in human terms), and all that i can hope to do in my life is to create a greater awareness for a few people

so maybe i'm not so okay, cuz that's pretty depressing

in sum, i'm fuckin A confused and noone here seems any less the lost as i, and no one is here to really help me figure out what the fuck is goin down

although conversations with friends certainly do help a shitload...so thanks all