tell me a story

I can't sleep (a random, poorly written poem)

Tell me a story.
One with sheep that gently ba,
ba, break through the world. Reality
is a bed sheet
hung over a window,
and when you reach through it,
someone bashes the frame down.
Crushing you.

Crush me. Tell me
the story of a man who
made bad decisions,
who waited until the last
minute. For everything.

Tell me about the sheep who don't ba,
the knights that don't fight, the dumb
blondes who turn to ther big,
dumber boyfriends and say,
"tell me a story
one where I am not dumb,
where we look at each other and part,
and I find my way to a real home, where
I am not a blonde bitch." Yes,

tell me a story. And I"ll tell you one too.
One about some sheep, a window, a sheet,
and a man counting sleep, and
when he wakes in the morning, his hand
will be bashed, his girlfriend will have gone.
He will smile with a shiver,
at the breaking of dawn.

shaky grounds

academe is a competitive, back-stabbing, passive aggressive bitch with painted finger nails, donut breath, and too much black clothing
so what the fuck am i doing hanging out with her?
i'm beginning to think that i made the biggest fucking mistake of my life going to grad school----i feel like shit all the time, i don't think my research means shit in the long run, and i've made perhaps 1 long term social connection since coming here (i'm probably over-exaggerating but it feels like 1 and a half even optimistically, with the way people drift, far faster than continents)
and now i'm trapped in indiana with a degree that means close to nothing and a life that tastes like poorly made instant mashed potatoes
yes, i'm being negative, but that's the mood that i'm in --- prove me wrong and i'll do the same the next time you're feeling nihilist
or you could just turn around and forget about the whole thing

i guess the positive might be that so many, many people want to be here, but then all i can think is, great, take my spot and i'll go die in the forest, the way i probably should have died when i was 11 and got lost in a state park
and instead of talking to people who care, i'm gonna go ahead and keep reading and writing for a paper due later this week

ode to joy; feeling like shit in such a way that life feels useless and i push away all the positiveness---wee

capitalist internet nostalgia

do you ever get that feeling?
I know, oblique and unclear much? but, still, i just had that feeling, that one where i see something about a friend, where someone says how close they are, or where the friend is all 'oh i just love this person because..' and i get jealous, and misty, and think about all the good stuff we used to do
and how it's gone
but then i'm pessimistic, and a bit gloomy, even though i'm even downright cheery right now
i've even had several people comment recently that, despite their being grumpy and fighting lately, they cheered up when i entered the room and hung out with them----which is...different, but not really

anyway, that feeling, right? i don't know if it's nostalgia (missing something i never really had, missing a moment that never existed or a closeness that was only perceived) or if its memory (remembering someone i was and someone they were and knowing it's gone and no matter how hard i try, it won't come back) or if its just distancing myself from here (wishing i weren't in indiana and identifying my me-ness with a somewhere else, a someone else)
but

no matter what it is, i wish i could be that close to that person right now

which is silly, cuz i'm going to hang out with some friends here tonight, despite my being so busy that i really should just work until daylight, sleep for 4 hours, and work until daylight again, repeating as necessary

but i suppose that a. what is lost that way just doesn't stop feeling right and good and wanted, and b. the grass is always greener, and c. i hate the internet

why hate the internet? because it reminds me of all the things i've lost, of all the people i knew, of all the people i could've known, of all the people i could've been, of all the places i could've gone
and pulls me away from right here, right now, where i'm not thinking about that person, their friends, or wishing i could be there friend again (which i'm pretty sure is the only way a person seems desirable as a friend, by not needing people at all, no matter how stupid that sounds, is, and shows us all to be)

ah, schmoozing (read: pretending not to need friends/money/job/anything when really you really really do), how i hate you so

Coming Soon to a Computer Monitor Near You

preview: three people on a beach, one of them turns to the other two, says "Did you know that since the 50s, American friendship rates have declined rapidly? Such that, each person only has 1 to 2 people they say they really trust and love? And that person is generally their spouse?"
Other two people look at first, blonde one. They look perturbed, standing on a beach, wearing swim trunks. But it is April.
One of the two says, "Hmmm. That explains a lot."

Preview 2:
see below

gah!

nuclear energy is evil
it is subsidized to infinity because 1. uranium is expensive, 2. the waste takes hundreds of years to degrade at all (and often finds its way into underpriveleged, underrepresented, minority areas, SURPRISE!), and 3. it is not efficient compared to solar, wind, tidal, and VARIOUS other alternative energies
nuclear energy is incredibly unsafe and inevitably unsound---it's generally only beneficial for the extremely wealthy in the long run, and there's practically no real plans for waht happens if things get fucked up----as far as CRAP systems, it's right up there with the prison system that privatizes prisoners and makes sure it's mostly minorities in there and then puts those prisons in counties that need more population to get more money

ugh

in other news
here is my drawing for my current project in art--a dreaming-broken-by-thunder mandala

I DO NOT CARE

i'm trying to figure out what i want to say about apocalyptic comics for a paper (which i've limited to the usa and to non-adaptations-of-books-or-films) and i don't have any fucking clue

mostly, i want to dose gently in someone else's living room on their comfy couch or antiquey chair with a cozy back and footrest just after having eaten something tasty but while still waiting for someone or something to happen
i want to look forward to that moment when that person or thing happens
when i will get up out of the chair and we will do something meaningful or fun
when i will again thank the world for a few moments in someone else's living room whose very presence makes me feel safer and wiser, with just a bit stronger sense of how the world spins on its axes

i want that so badly right now