shaky grounds

academe is a competitive, back-stabbing, passive aggressive bitch with painted finger nails, donut breath, and too much black clothing
so what the fuck am i doing hanging out with her?
i'm beginning to think that i made the biggest fucking mistake of my life going to grad school----i feel like shit all the time, i don't think my research means shit in the long run, and i've made perhaps 1 long term social connection since coming here (i'm probably over-exaggerating but it feels like 1 and a half even optimistically, with the way people drift, far faster than continents)
and now i'm trapped in indiana with a degree that means close to nothing and a life that tastes like poorly made instant mashed potatoes
yes, i'm being negative, but that's the mood that i'm in --- prove me wrong and i'll do the same the next time you're feeling nihilist
or you could just turn around and forget about the whole thing

i guess the positive might be that so many, many people want to be here, but then all i can think is, great, take my spot and i'll go die in the forest, the way i probably should have died when i was 11 and got lost in a state park
and instead of talking to people who care, i'm gonna go ahead and keep reading and writing for a paper due later this week

ode to joy; feeling like shit in such a way that life feels useless and i push away all the positiveness---wee