capitalist internet nostalgia

do you ever get that feeling?
I know, oblique and unclear much? but, still, i just had that feeling, that one where i see something about a friend, where someone says how close they are, or where the friend is all 'oh i just love this person because..' and i get jealous, and misty, and think about all the good stuff we used to do
and how it's gone
but then i'm pessimistic, and a bit gloomy, even though i'm even downright cheery right now
i've even had several people comment recently that, despite their being grumpy and fighting lately, they cheered up when i entered the room and hung out with them----which is...different, but not really

anyway, that feeling, right? i don't know if it's nostalgia (missing something i never really had, missing a moment that never existed or a closeness that was only perceived) or if its memory (remembering someone i was and someone they were and knowing it's gone and no matter how hard i try, it won't come back) or if its just distancing myself from here (wishing i weren't in indiana and identifying my me-ness with a somewhere else, a someone else)
but

no matter what it is, i wish i could be that close to that person right now

which is silly, cuz i'm going to hang out with some friends here tonight, despite my being so busy that i really should just work until daylight, sleep for 4 hours, and work until daylight again, repeating as necessary

but i suppose that a. what is lost that way just doesn't stop feeling right and good and wanted, and b. the grass is always greener, and c. i hate the internet

why hate the internet? because it reminds me of all the things i've lost, of all the people i knew, of all the people i could've known, of all the people i could've been, of all the places i could've gone
and pulls me away from right here, right now, where i'm not thinking about that person, their friends, or wishing i could be there friend again (which i'm pretty sure is the only way a person seems desirable as a friend, by not needing people at all, no matter how stupid that sounds, is, and shows us all to be)

ah, schmoozing (read: pretending not to need friends/money/job/anything when really you really really do), how i hate you so