doomed

i'm doomed
i keep putting off signing up for the gre for august...i will have to do it either today or tomorrow...but just now, i'm down in the dumps and extremely hyper
you see, i spent yesterday hanging out with thea, brooke, and bonnie, eating seva-food, running through stores, buying a board game, playing said board game, and drinking bubble tea...then i woke up to cool people on the floor in my room (really, i offered them the bed....really...well, there may have been clauses, and a contract...and maybe a barbed wire fency)
who then met me for some drinkies between class periods (thirstifiers in the form of iced tea at erc on s. u.)
and there were hugs, and silliness, and laughter and all that gobbletygook, so i'm sad
and i'm leaving for indi on sunday where it is always hot and i don't know that many people
but i should stop whining, cuz i've got a good feeling about this year, and i know a few people i at least like (a couple i downright dig, i just have to pull them away from work and such), and i have a nice place with a/c if i want it and a job to boot

still, i feel doomed
to live far away from the people i care about
most likely, it's the cafeeine talking (plus the lack of sleep and utter exhaustion)
but i do feel as though my life is not going the right direction, and i've gotta step up and live up to my potential
which means applying to a ton of schools in the next two weeks before classes and work start so i don't burn out this semestr...and maybe i will switch from globalization to a language course...it would probly be easier...

i guess that mostly i miss waking up to people in the morning (like when i was in high school, or for most of this summer, when i've interacted with my housemates, or like when people sleep over).....i guess i'm a bit of a mom, wanting to keep an eye on all the people i love
the world is so big after all, and we primates are so very small, and our footprints are sooooo big

i think most of all, underneath all the crap that isn't really so much bothering me ( i know i'll see my friends at xmas, tho maybe not thea if she moves to utah, and i know my life will have some meaning if i keep fighting for it, and i know that the application process is harsh but not meaningless), i'm wondering what on earth i'm doing studying japan
and how much of a difference it will really make
but even then, i sorta feel light as a feather, recognizing that the only reason i feel that is because people try to put me into a slot they can understand, put my work into a slot they can understand
because we're all trying so hard to understand the world we live through/in......

i guess i should just be happy living between the lines, but so much gets lost in the process
and it's much harder to apply for programs when what you want to do doesn't really have a strongly descriptive name
like hamster

or clout