a paperwork world

so, yet again, i don't think i can do this grad school shit

is there something wrong with me? i know these people who spend their weekends and weeknights working on school work, reading and writing and applying to things. I spend my weekends goofing off, reading books or watching too much tv, or spending time with friends/family, or doing variuos other relaxing things. I spend my weeknights recovering from not sleeping enough and then don't sleep enough again because i have to do a lot of readings. But i know most of the other people, the workerbees, don't sleep much either, often less than i sleep.
Which is what I don't get. WHy kill yourself over grad school? It's like any other school, learning from experts the knowledge that you yourself could never come up with straight on your own. But then the workerbees tell me i'm ohsohealthy, or my parents do, or my friends do, and that i have a better grasp on reality than the workerbees.

but that seems strange, since professors forget me, or forget my research, or treat me like shit, or treat me kindly but then act like i haven't been talking to them for a bit over a year. my favorite prof just emailed me with a slightly harsh email because i kept fucking up a stupid advising form, that is only bureaucratic bullshit since i'm probly gonna end up changin my classes anyway. ARGH

i hate this whole situation. i want to learn but the people who have to teach me have to be sucked up to so that i can go on learning via their rec letters. but the fact that i'm leaving them means they don't want to write me letters cuz they want me to stay, not even because they like me but because they feel pressured to keep bodies here. i want to be a good student, but the expectations are impossible, especially with all this paper work floating around and the lack of funding. i'm supposed to work two jobs, take two classses, teach two classes, apply to phd programs, and fill out paperwork constantly so that the department knows i'm working on gettign my degree done?????!!!

today, i feel like dropping out of grad school, packing up the few things that i can carry in my hiking backpack and a spare bag, and hiking until i drop dead. at least then i wouldn't have to worry about paperwork (unless i got picked up for loitering or something)