currently listening to 'i don't believe you' by magnetic fields

current favorite lyric:
"i had a dream and you were in it
the blue of your eyes was infinite
you seemed to be in love with me
which isn't very realistic.."

it's kinda strange being here in a2 and living with the people i'm living with
i feel really not-me like lately

eg. at a concert i went to, the audience got really into it, and whereas normally i would roll my eyes and be irritated by their getting into the groove of things, i just felt really good and got into it myself, even noding along at points and tearing up a little during one song
which i know is lame
but at the same time i feel all good and happy and almost overly sentimental or something (but more accurately described as actually trusting the people around me to let me have a good time and just letting myself flow with the flow of things)

i think it's partially my housemates
who are some amazing people---well not amazing but cool---it's just that all of my expectations have basically been stomped on--no one has been mean to me, suggested that im' in the way, bossed me around, or even given me flack for not doing much around the house
it's just that they're so chill and friendly and kind--we had a house dinner last night and we just talked and i felt so comfortable and not that awkward
it's just so strange
because (this is the big influence) i've been in bloomington for a year....where all my expectations seem to have come to fruition, at least the bad ones (that people are fat, lazy, manipulative, gossipy, mean, passive aggressive, jerks, ignorant, culturally unaware, lame, obsessed with hidding and yet always pushing their insecurities upon people, etc.)
including the expectation that i would get lamer being there

but i think soemthing else happened
i think i kinda realized how great it is just to be at concerts and go to restaurants and walk in the park or walk down the street
it's not like i have anything to prove, or as though i'm buying or doing stuff to show something, i'm doing what i'm doing because it's the best thing that i can do
whereas before i think i was always trying to prove something to myself

so i guess i managed to get over that need to show i'm not lame/the youngest anymore via being submerged in ick (otherwise known as the midwest)

also, i think living with my housemates is making me realize what cool people are --- rather than making me think that there are no cool people beyond me/my friends (as my former roommates and bton classmates often made me feel)
which, granted, i knew was false, but it's hard to work against that without a cornucopia of evidence

in short, i'm feeling very different
i hesitate to say this, but it's like walking out into a sunny day after spending all day in doors thinking that the world just underwent nuclear war and the only place to be is indoors
it's like the whole world opened up
and not just because i'm in a2 with all it's culture and it's free movies in the summer, but because the people i interact with are...i dunno...different, more normal and aware of the world around them than the people i've been aorund in bton or the roommates i've lived with before
and because my mom got cancer but it's gonna be fine---i don't know how that goes into the mix but i get the sense that trying to figure out why i feel so refreshed without considering that would be like trying to make a smoothie without the fruit, or at least the fresh fruit
it'd probably be interesting, and something would happen, but i would never be able to get so full a flavor