wwyd

what would you do?

when i first came to bloomington, i felt like i'd left behind everything i cared about...and for what? the chance to make more money?
i thought about it and couldn't figure out why the hell i was in grad school, although i've begun to remember why i went to college in the first place: to make a difference, to do something, to prove myself to the universe, to give something back to the trees and the faces and the skies of earth
But there i was, away from friends, from family, from the landscape i loved, and for what? Why, to participate in the ridiculousness of contemporary society? we move to get jobs, we move to find happiness, to get a bigger hosue, to get what we want, to have, to posess..
but i had just realized that what i wanted, what i needed, the life i wanted to live was made up of people, of animals and places
and i wasn't, nor am i now, sure if the mission mattered, if i really wanted to make a difference anymore, or if it was impossible, if the best i could hope for was to just survive, to maybe fall in love and find satisfaction

and then you hit it, the wall, the lack of want, satisfaction...i hit it last summer: i had friends, karate, i felt strong and cool and worthy of life
and then what? what do you do when what you know is right doesn't seem right anymore? what happens when good and evil mix, because they were never separate to begin with, and you just can't tell them apart?

i dunno
i'm asking here

the point i guess (shit i'm not good at this, maybe i should have commissioned a friend to write an essay on how modern lifestyles of migration tend to decentralize a person's self-confidence and self-hood, or soemthing)
the point is

i felt strong and safe and good back there, in a few moments, in some sunshine and rain, and then it blew away on the wind
and i let it go, i decided it was time to move on
which was the right idea, i think
but what do you do when everything you work so hard for just drifts away on the wind in the face of the rock in your hand, the need to do something to make the world better (not for me, but for people, for animals, and plants...not letting my hatred of people cloud my judgements, but working to make the whole planet closer to something stronger, to a moment or two of serenity and wisdom)?

how do you make the planet stronger while at the same time creating a microcosmos for yourself, without getting lost in either world, without losing either self, the hero or the lover?

how do you make a difference without cheating yourself and those you love?