i heart

a few lessons learned
1. don't hide in houses with thick curtains or blinds blocking out the world. don't try to keep the world out. it is in you and doing this only makes you feel unhealthy and scared and oh-so-alone.
2. (this from i heart huckabees) life is full of meaning, or something-ness, and everything means something, but
3. nothing really means anything because it could all be equally meaningful--and because life is painful, full of misery and awfulness and nihilistic moments, like too many jelly beans in your mouth after easter guests have left, but
4. it's that pain that leads to meaning, by feeling something horrible, maybe we bond with others, talking about it or sharing it, or maybe we come to understand something about ourselves, or maybe we just realize that somethingness or meaning or love/joy/warmth only exists if we make it, if we rub the sticks together
5. (rough translation of ursula leguin) love is bread in the oven; you have to bake it fresh every morning
and
6. it's spring, i ahve to admit it, and i have way too many things to do, i keep trying to do too much in too little time
so instead, i'm gonna try the reverse
too little in too much time, because that's the way that life should work
or it loses all reason/meaning/organization/joy---we should not run through our days with alist of things to do that never ends---that is merely capitalism and people and bottled-up fears trying to break their way into a place they can never go (our lives)

"stop acting like you don't have control,"
she says, pulling the covers close to her skin,
" you've chosen and you choose every day"

7. SPRING!! Oh, season, welcome!!