so what's new?

i got so incredibly frustrated with this pattern in life
where
i get so exhausted by just trying to keep up with things
classes i'm taking, classes i'm sitting in on, job 1, teaching job, and
and just life in general
like doing laundry, dishes, sweeping, remembering to buy a pumpkin, and try to remember what it's like to be a mammal with a heart and overly sensitive pads on his hands
but
that's so tough
and i get so caught up with things that i forget stuff
like how just walking across town late at night will make me feel sane and less ridiculously pressurized/discombobulated---like how i go through cycles where i need people around and don't, i mean really really don't need people around---like how i love board games (no really, i kinda forgot how much i love them)
but
most importantly,
this summer, i found this joy just hiding underneath the day to day of my life, and i'm still not sure where it came from--it's this sense of cool relief, like if i just imagine my feet as roots that tap into the earth, that feel the water underneath the concrete, the magnetism pulling at my every molecule, the gravity tucking me into the world, then i can feel
i can feel
i can feel anything
and that's when i remember that the sun or the moon is there still, that the distant suns do shine, that the night is dark and the day is bright, and i'm here in this world holding the hands of so many others

so anyway, i have to keep getting myself back to that moment where it all feels real and less ridiculously insipid---or...or...no, no 'or', it's just that i have to, i have to....

to stay me-like