i'm a bad person

Class was cancelled today so i got groceries and then i was supposed to DO something, but instead i bought a pizza, ate it, drank some saki (which was sooooooo good, and a gave me a buzz that's reddened my cheeks and warmed me to a comfortable state of sleepy half-happiness), some soda, and watched tv.
Now, I have just finished the graphic novel, Blankets, which was toooooo fucking preachy for me. I grew up with that jesus shit, i don't need a rehash, although i guess it was pretty good otherwise...even verging on terribly good. but merely verging...soem of the drawings just felt like they could have gone farther...but overall, i'd give it an A, but with the reservation that it could have been an A++++++++++++++
Anyway, I don't want to read...even though i have to...or do the dishes...even tho i should...or do the million and one things i should do...heck, i don't even want to draw, which is a first in a while...
mostly, i just want to talk to someone, so call me
in other news, Who wants to go travel this summer??? come on, you know you want to!
i'm talkin to you brooke, thea, and ryan...who wants to go to japan!? yeah!
sorry, i'm just bored, wishing i could be traveling or something...
here's the lame part

i'm going to use cookie dough as a metaphor

okay, so i'm cookies
but i'm not done baking
and i'm on this wacked out platter with other cookies
and the other cookies aren't really what i expected, but some are cool
and the platter is awight...but i'm not done yet
and i don't really want to go back in that same oven
i want to try a differen one
maybe one with spices or frosting
or honey or caramel
or something

in other words, i feel like i'm stunted, or stilted, or just plain jilted... i feel like i've gotten to the peace/sense of home/of place that i've always searched for and yearned for, but I AM NOT READY FOR IT
i'm not the cookies i want to be yet...i'm not as complex and elaborately flavored as i'd like to be...

RESOLUTION: after/if i get into phd school,
i'm gonna take a year or two off, if it's allowed, otherwise i don't know what' i'll do
and travel
go to hawaii, visit some of the places in my mom's pictures,
to ireland, to the cote d'azur i've dreamt of for so long, before the dreams die
to egypt, to the pyramids, maybe, to japan
to switzerland and maybe belgium again and to acadia national park and new hampshire and california and colorado...i want to visit all my friends and family
and be alone in places without a safety net
without furniture, without confidence, without walls, without me
to maybe get a better grip on the world, and me, and people
and maybe get some of the experiences, the adventures, that i'm yearning for


resolution2: i shoudl read....
eep, here i go!

"I'm always looking for the sun..."

"It may have been so good
but now it's understood
t'was just a night
If I could turn my heart
and keep it miles apart
from love of beast or man
and never give a damn
If i could learn to lie
and never show my pride
I'd be just like the rest
be someone i detest..."
--The Gentle Waves - Falling from Grace

I miss you guys, all y'all, specially the ones with too much goin on to check this here blog out...
i've met a few people...but it's not friends...it might be some day, but i'm just in that fuzzy area where i miss what i've had, realize there was notyhing wrong with being in a2, but knowing i couldn't be there anymore
i'm glad i left...now i know i can leave, and be strong about it...but i don't want a traveling life..if only because we're supposed to be so mobile for the economy

and i'm fully in grad school...procrastinating work, not reading readings well enough, and half-assing a lot more than i normally would...but still learning SO much...and doubting every single word i say
i'm still not so sure about japan and the supernatural as my focus...i want more of a social justice leaning to it...i want the world to be better than it is...not for me, not for any spawn, but for you, for my parents, my family, my friends, and of course, my friggin cat...

well, i have 60 more pages to read tonight, and a page summary to write...nothing too bad...but then tomorrow i have to go to class for bout 8 hours...yeash...so i gotta go...
altho, just for the record, y'all should pick up sufjan steven's Come on feel the illinoise! or greeting from michigan, or liz phair's exile in guyville
cuz hey, the be the rocks (my version of its the bomb....maybe it'll catch on someday)

one last thing, i'm dreading making friends here because one of the cooler people i met said, "Oh, yeah, when i came here i was a vegetarian, but i'm flexible, and now i eat a lot more eat"...i just wanted to fucking yell at her, "NO< you are not a vegetarian, a vegetarian does NOT EAT MEAT!" but she was sweet, and it would have been rude, and i think she was trying to look cool despite her generally lame-looking friends..who were all right, joss whedon fans and all, but they were all...
GASP!..
MARRIED>>>>>>

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I"M IN FUCKING INDIANA WITH A BUNCH OF MARRIED PEOPLE!!!
and there's a lot less healthy food here...lots more fat...

missin y'all
(specially vu)

woo!

finished my paper due today
still no job
brooke has joined the red cross!
i'll have net at home tomorrow
i get to SLEEP tomorrow
and i am gonna be late for class

that's all folks...
and yes, sufjan is still givin me the blues...
oh how i miss the gray skies of michigan...
(altho undoubtedly it's terribly gross there right now...hello, bizarro land between fall and summer...)

sufjan gives me the blues

missing michigan with a vengeance
the clouds, brooke and thea, ryan, the pines, the trees, the air, the lack of indiana, the reuse center, the smell of lake michigan in the wind some mornings, the blue sky, the walkability of a2
plus side? ned and i did the exchange phone numbers shebang...so i think that makes us closer to being friends or something....i just found it odd because i didn't think i'd proven myself to be cool enough..or something
social policies ar so strange
and sadly, my 516 folklore class on methodologies is turning out to be underwhelming...which is only a tragedy in that it lasts 4.5 hours minus a 45 minute lunch break...lesigh
and altho my asian transnationalism class Rocks...i seem inadequate when it comes to participating, mostly because i have 0 experience with east asia...whereas everyone but me and a Really confident-tiedyewearin guy have been to or came from asia....eep!
but the books are good....
which reminds me, i have 500 pages to read by wednesday...
smell ya later

a whole new world?

well, anyway, today i found out two important things
1. i'm learning JAPANESE!!! whoa! it was either that or take ANOTHER seminar-type class involving reading, writing, and arithmetic
i just don't think i'm up for THAT many classes of an intensive nature
( i say, about to jump into a new, most complicated foreign language)
2.
i forget...maybe something to do with my being utterly incapable of interacting with other human beings?

well, anyway, i say again
i spent this afternoon
-sititng in my favorite coffee shop drinking the cancer-recomended drink (chamomile tea with soy milk and honey) which was Yummy, while reading local papers and then a very good book by ursula leguin
-searching the local bookshop for books...they had a few INSANELY good leguin books, a calvino book for not too shabby a price, some KICKIN occult books, and an insanely cool women's studies area, as well as an overly crowded, but still attractive anthro area
-sitting under an acorn tree, feeling gloomy, while also feeling calm
-walking around...i've found the art museum, the theatre dept, the music dept, the b-school, the honor's college, the african studies building, the lilly library, the main library, various statues of an insanely rich, fat man who donated lots of money to indy univ, the foreign foods strip (consisting of indian, italian, chinese, turkish, and one that was particularly weird, but which i can't remember...oh, tibetan!), the comic book store, the public library, the post office, clothing stores, a watermelon slushi depository, grocery stores, lotsa restaurants, and, oh, right, loneliness....but only minor loneliness
-lotsa limestone...cuz indy has the limestone the white house is made out of...they think they're special...some of the bulidings are WAY pretty, with art deco designs or castle-style architecture....but i am getting bored as HELL with limestone...where oh where is my lovely red brick?!
-a few martial art classes advertised, but as yet no bass guitar lessons
-no job, but lotsa hiring signs...to which i've applied

well, anyway, that's all for now
i'm gonna go home and play buffy vid games then watch too much angel for one human brain to handle
then tomorrow, i'm gonna rinse and repeat, after heading to the mall to see if they have any cheap/good ps2 games...which i hopefully WON'T buy

(in other news, i'm also taking two basically requisite courses...both folklore, both okay, both kinda dull-looking...honestly, i think the one thing my department lacks is an exciting summarizer for what classes will be like
oh, and i'm pretty sure my department head thinks i'm a dumbass...just a sense i got, but it might have just been me bein a putz, which i am quite often, especially in situations wherein i'm obligated to be so)

oh, and thank you ryan for the animal man book, i'm about to start it seein as how i've womped through my hellboy graphic novels, as well as a book i picked up at the local gn (graphic novel) store, Soulwind (which also rocks)

can't talk right now...

I can't write too much...
i have to get to the buildings that have things...like i need to get an iu id and then i have to go open an iucu account, with what i just don't know, but i figure i'll take out money from my savings in umcu...eep
i'm sick...it's official
runny nose, achy back, watery eyes in the morning, sore throat, in short, it sucks
and last night there was a storm SO LOUD and STRONG i thought the world would end...it makes me think i only want to go for the master's not the phd so's i can get out of indy asap...
i DO NOT LIKE tornadoes
and i have central air and i wasn't sure if lightning likes central air or not, so i turned it down til the storm passed
i hope that i don't get stuck in one today
altho i'm maneuvering well enough
i walked around campus and it's Beautiful...but no river...
and yet, i'm sure there is, because there's a valley form that the town sits in...i just wonder where the water is...
anyway, gtg, but i wish you well reader
and may your eyes not grow sore from computer light
(did you know that we used to have the same eye sight from 18ish on, but then some genius invented computers and now we're all going blind as bats,
but without all that kinky-cool sonar...
?)
the world is a scary place

ps
a song lyric for the month
"no matter who or where you are
you've got to be willing"

pps
if you want a copy of either
a. my second most recent graphic collection (includes tabula selenographica, dude's world #3, and the unnamed: Tara)
or b. my most recent (includes a short story called Obolisk, a comic to be determined/written, and The unnamed #1) which won't be done for a bit
then let me know,
and i'll get em to you
i'm already gonna send one to phoebus gloecknerickus
so it's probly not a prob
but i will charge you
either 3 dollars, or you must hang out with me at some point in your life

On Moving

The stillness before it hits


The storm is coming;
I can hear it in the music, the voice
speaking clearly on the stereo, patiently waiting
in her speaker-houses; it is written
in my old pairs of briefs, almost as concisely
as the name would suggest.

And when it’s come, my blood will run.
Notes will come out of my orifices, my mouth
will run dry with lists
and forgotten loved-one objects, that scarcely
remember the hand that handed them to me, delicate,
gracefullly waiting for reimbursment, or
just the gamble of love.

And when it’s gone, I’ll hold no one’s hand, because
the flesh will have blanched, too embarassing
to call out, not dire enough
to alert the neighbors. Everything I’ve been
will fall into neatly dismembered boxes, the vile smell
of the innards of my home, the discarded litter
of living. A photo album that I don’t recognize.
Sheets I never washed, never touched again, only
to remember the stain.

The storm is coming, even the bugs agree, singing
with their gentle staccato love songs in the humid
dark of Michigan. They will not miss me.
By the time I return, they will all be dust. By the time
this has been read,
my life will have rusted over like silk carefully fit around metal,
the art of watching what the stains have been,
and how today has changed everything, a lake forming
on the surface of the earth, the sense
that even if I bleed everything into the ground, darkening
the entire night, only a slight exhalation will remain,
suggesting the frame of someone in a doorway,
the sound of feet in an empty house.

back from the cabin

who is this person that i've become?
part someone i'd like to know, part someone i hate, part someone i've never been able to understand

i keep trying to figure out how i can improve myself, and then i realize so much has stayed the same, that so many pressures, anxieties, and figures in my life are the same...bigger, smaller, or changed somehow but the same

and then i think of the things i've gained...the people i've begun to love
and i feel bad, because i'm still dealing with not being able to feel certain emotions, with not wanting to

i realize now that i relate to Oz/werewolves because they fight to control something just like everyone...but i feel that my darkness is darker than it ought to be...that it could destroy much more than myself
and i wonder if i shouldn't leave, and whether that instinct to leave is just the product of my contrariness
of my need to stay
of my want to have something i've never been able to understand, a family, something that i once had and hated, soemthing i'd like to make my own, to recreate but start over

bloomington's probably a good chance

but for now, i feel worthless, useless...without friends, a person cannot feel secure...there are no hands that i trust enough to catch me when i fall

and the stairs seem much steeper than before

why jaro why?!

jaro
is short for jaromir
and jaro means spring time,
while also having connotations for blue time
which i think is the perfect name for me
what with my melancholy nature
and my love/hate relationship with change/spring