Instead, I have just finished making my first collage in 6 or more years. It is a statement on how I feel torn between 2 selves that I could become, one that is undefined yet confident and strong, and another that is defined, professional, and passive. One is not clear to me, and I do not know how to become him, while the other is what most people seem to want me to be to them: empty yet fulfilling their needs/desires. I am terrified of both paths, knowing that one is my choice and the other is my most likely future. Or a mixture of both.
Instead, I am listening to Mazzy Star and feeling nostalgic for something like sitting under a blanket in a house that i love with my cat, reading. Which is odd, because I did that yesterday, though it was far-too-late-at-night, and I was losing sleep. I miss having moments in my everyday where I am left breathless by the peace, joy, or passion of something, someone, or someplace.
I miss feeling so unabashedly and fully that I cannot help but smile and laugh to myself, bemused by the universe.
Dare: I would slide down the stairs on a blanket if you asked.
Truth: I am terrified of having gallbladder surgery, and of later paying for it. I am terrified of living in another city this summer far from home. I am terrified of trying to find a job and of traveling for my research. I am terrified of all my favorite people leaving town this year.
Dare: I dare you to tell me something true and beautiful.
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Truth: It sometimes seems that the whole world is spread out in front of me like a velvet quilt sewn with stars.
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