I re-watched the film "The Invisible Circus" and it was good. This girl had a sister who died in Europe by jumping off a cliff. She was a beautiful, charismatic activist, so her sister goes to chase her down 7 years later (when she turns 19) and ends up falling for her ex. In the process, she gets to know herself and recognize that her sister was just a girl, lost and trying to find her way in the world. We are all just people trying to make things work.

And I asked myself, "who am I kidding?" Because not only am I just a guy trying to understand this world and make it better, like Robert Frost said, "having a lover's quarrel with the world" but I'm constantly supposed to make it look like that's not what I am. All these papers and classes and such are illusions, and the reality is that I'm terrified of falling off the bike that is living in this world, that one day I'll wake up in a coma (hah!) or lose everything in one go. I don't know why I'm studying India and I don't want to go there really, not that I wouldn't mind going somewhere (even anywhere), I don't really get this whole folklore thing, and academe, like most social structures, just creeps/pisses me off. I wish there were still ways to circumvent the system, like becoming a watchmaker or a baker's assistant or a tailor or something. Something where I could use my hands to create actual things, which, even if it didn't change the world, would help the world make much more sense for me. To have something to hold, to touch, to change, would just make more sense; I am very tactile and texture-focused.

So who am I fooling? Not me.




Everything we love fades away, yes, but when do we fight back?