Communication works better when there's no words.

I wish that everyone would speak very directly and bluntly about most things. But especially emotional states.

For instance, I am currently attracted to a person, and would really prefer going up to them and stating the following (as opposed to maintaining flirtation and friendliness over long periods, which leads to me being irritated):
"I am reasonably attracted to you and I get the sense that this is mutual. Let's go do something fun next week, potentially with some other friends to ensure a sense of 'if this sucks, we can still have fun,' and discover whether this attraction will lead to anything more than basic friendliness or potentially even disaster."

But unfortunately, social protocol makes this kind of directness impossible. In social interaction, people must exchange vapid greetings and stories that no one really wants to hear (well, only half the time) until the point at which the maximal amount of interaction has been reached. At which point, the conversation continues to the next level of intimacy (either more private stories or movement into a more private space where one can be more revealing of the self), or it ends. People break up or simply leave the circle to distribute sociality to other resources. This is to ensure a. satisfaction that one has talked to everyone and thus fulfilled social obligations, b. feel social in being social, c. avoid having put all your chickens in one basket (in case people turn out weird or just randomly leave town or die), and d. that no one and no conversation gets awkward.

Even worse, I am not comfortable at most parties. If I have a friend to talk to, I am fine, because I maintain my me-ness in the crowd since there is someone there that knows me and will leave if something goes awry. If not, I am performing a self that does not exist: smiling, awkward, social me trying to show everyone that he is cool but never wanting to reveal more than the superficial (tales of family members, accounts of various likes and dislikes, but never saying what I really want to say). Then, afterwards, I feel unfulfilled, pressured to hang out more and yet totally worn out and feeling entirely alienated since I am not like everyone else ( in that I prefer one-on-one or gatherings to parties).

For example, I spent my time at a party last night trying to become better friends with new people and gain more of a sense of belonging here, now that my best friend in town is gone and my other good friend is leaving. And instead, I felt like people were pitying, pretending that I was not strange, and humoring my stories, my changes of topic. Which is both a. a result of my not having common interests enough to really have fun with most people I know, and b. my overall social paranoia. Seriously, spending most of your time from 2 to 15 with your 5 close family members leads to social difficulties, or possibly just repeated blaming of social awkwardness on that experience.

The worst was that the person I feel attraction toward was there, but I only confirmed for myself that I am not entirely sure why I am attracted to them. Which I recognize is probably a further symptom of both a. falling hard for them despite a general lack of indication of interest, and b. my inability to not think, overthink, and bring rationality into emotional conflict.

But with direct communication, last night would have gone like so:
Me: "I am attracted to you...(see earlier comment)
Person: "Oh, let us go bowling or something and see if there is anything to this"
Me: "Okay, but is the potential benefits of this increased emotionality and general strengthening of ties between one another worth the likely and disastrous pain, anger, and other consequences that will inevitably result from increased intertwining of selves?"
Person: "Um, beer?" (hands bottle to me)
Me: "Got any mead? I need to get drunk, now, thank you, to prevent further consciousness of my continued awkwardness in your presence."
P: "Okay"




The sun will not go down.