notice

i took off the last blog entry
cuz i felt like it

also, i got a 92.9 on my second exam !! woo!!

in other news, ryan vu and brooke wright seem to be in michigan while i am also in said state
which i think is cause for celebration

so i bought some pants

no, not really
but it sounds funny doesn't it?

currently listening to 'i don't believe you' by magnetic fields

current favorite lyric:
"i had a dream and you were in it
the blue of your eyes was infinite
you seemed to be in love with me
which isn't very realistic.."

it's kinda strange being here in a2 and living with the people i'm living with
i feel really not-me like lately

eg. at a concert i went to, the audience got really into it, and whereas normally i would roll my eyes and be irritated by their getting into the groove of things, i just felt really good and got into it myself, even noding along at points and tearing up a little during one song
which i know is lame
but at the same time i feel all good and happy and almost overly sentimental or something (but more accurately described as actually trusting the people around me to let me have a good time and just letting myself flow with the flow of things)

i think it's partially my housemates
who are some amazing people---well not amazing but cool---it's just that all of my expectations have basically been stomped on--no one has been mean to me, suggested that im' in the way, bossed me around, or even given me flack for not doing much around the house
it's just that they're so chill and friendly and kind--we had a house dinner last night and we just talked and i felt so comfortable and not that awkward
it's just so strange
because (this is the big influence) i've been in bloomington for a year....where all my expectations seem to have come to fruition, at least the bad ones (that people are fat, lazy, manipulative, gossipy, mean, passive aggressive, jerks, ignorant, culturally unaware, lame, obsessed with hidding and yet always pushing their insecurities upon people, etc.)
including the expectation that i would get lamer being there

but i think soemthing else happened
i think i kinda realized how great it is just to be at concerts and go to restaurants and walk in the park or walk down the street
it's not like i have anything to prove, or as though i'm buying or doing stuff to show something, i'm doing what i'm doing because it's the best thing that i can do
whereas before i think i was always trying to prove something to myself

so i guess i managed to get over that need to show i'm not lame/the youngest anymore via being submerged in ick (otherwise known as the midwest)

also, i think living with my housemates is making me realize what cool people are --- rather than making me think that there are no cool people beyond me/my friends (as my former roommates and bton classmates often made me feel)
which, granted, i knew was false, but it's hard to work against that without a cornucopia of evidence

in short, i'm feeling very different
i hesitate to say this, but it's like walking out into a sunny day after spending all day in doors thinking that the world just underwent nuclear war and the only place to be is indoors
it's like the whole world opened up
and not just because i'm in a2 with all it's culture and it's free movies in the summer, but because the people i interact with are...i dunno...different, more normal and aware of the world around them than the people i've been aorund in bton or the roommates i've lived with before
and because my mom got cancer but it's gonna be fine---i don't know how that goes into the mix but i get the sense that trying to figure out why i feel so refreshed without considering that would be like trying to make a smoothie without the fruit, or at least the fresh fruit
it'd probably be interesting, and something would happen, but i would never be able to get so full a flavor

aiahh!

today was the first day of japanese
i expected to go home, nap, practice bass, and do my homework before lazing off to bed
my friend diana and i tho, have spent the entire day trying to get registered for our class, get the books we need, and burn a cd of the listening tapes we need to have for class (as neither of us has the net at home yet )
aiaiaiaiaiaia
seems like it should be fun; today we learned greetings and the basic hiragana (that the right word???) and saturday i'm gonna go try to see tilly and the wall play at the blind pig
also, thea, where are you? do you wanna go to said concert?
so ohayoo if you're reading this in the morning, konichiwa in the afternoon, and anyway
sayoonara mesamis-san
(why yes that's japafrench!!)

end of the world

so guess what takes up the most energy in america?
top two or three?
no, not vibrators
no, not televisions, not technically
not air conditioning either

that's right, computers idling!! the computer companies are full of shit as the idling computer wastes more energy than anytyhing else in your household---they only tell you it doesn't because at first, sure it saves energy to leave it on (if you're coming back in 5 minutes) but to leave it longer than a few hours wastes more energy than it saves!!
number 2= things with remotes---that idling tv set or vcr or stereo uses up so much energy just to be ever ready for your every command !! what's recommended is to have a power strip for your computer, television, or stereo, etc that you can turn off when you're not using them so that they use up less energy
number 3 = bad refridgerators---modern fridges have advanced so much in the last few years that anything with an energy star system far outdoes the old machines---so if you have an old fridge, toss it (or rather, properly dispose of and/or recycle it) and you'll save more than the price of the fridge, both for your planet and yourself

i discovered this through a conference my sister attended where some people did a very good lecture on this topic---apparently, they've cut down their electric bill to 16 dollars a month for a full house just by using power strips and getting a better fridge (and of course replacing all their light bulbs with halogen light bulbs---did you know tungsten light bulbs are better heaters than lights? and that they cost way more in the long run because they only last a few months while halogen bulbs can last over several years?)

be an ethical person
or just be smart
or just be cheap
but please do consider this info!!

saving the world in love

why can't spiderman love gwen stacey and still beat down the green goblin?
why can't wolverine be an x-man and fuck mariko on the side?
why can't buffy find a stable boyfriend?
why can't superman and lois just do it ?
why can't dawson fuck joey and not have badness ensue?
why can't spies have a long-time girlfriend while still being all espionagey?
why can't cowboys have wives and still shoot other guys up and such?
why can't soaps have stable couples, why can't heroes be in love?
why oh WHY have people drawn a line between the personal and worldly worlds?

i don't know
and i'm fucking a tired of people saying 'you can't be in love and save the world"
because you can; they're just making up excuses to not try, to be 'comfortable', to be 'happy'----this is all part of some lame-ass western value of happiness, which i don't understand
i want all my emotions equally, sadness, anger, jealousy, rage, love, giddiness, stressed, bored, antsy, happy, in love, anti-love, bitter, disillusioned, naive
i refuse to choose just one as a goal

to respond to my question:
because it's not interesting
modern stories never end well because you can't make money off a happy couple who works to save the world---there's no sex appeal, not nearly enough violence-focus, no torid passion, no possibility for perpetual sequels
in short, real meaning, good choices, etc. make for little profit----or so people seem to think
my favorite shows are the ones where people do make good choices as well as bad ones, where people are flawed yet able to be sane and live their lives
eg. buffy can't be with angel because she chooses not to---she could fuck him and perpetually re-ensoul him but it's just too much drama for a girl to deal with---plus he was her high school sweetie---who in their right mind really wants to fuck one person over their entire life? (or, better stated, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who knew them when they were a fuckbag of hormones?)

in terms of most of my other examples, i think it's just a matter of inconceivability---there are no famous examples of couples that last, of people who can save the world and be in love, of passion and love that are intertwined with the desire to do good
which i think is ridiculous, mostly becuase that is in fact my own desire
although i love a good 'i love you but i've chosen darkness/activism/the world' story just as well as anyone, probly more
i'm just sick of all the sappy, bad endings---if you're going to tell a story like this, you have to think of the ramifications
without any examples of people who can do both, people will continue to think they can't do both
but with a dependency on profit, these stories will never be told

guess it's bout time we all did something about that, eh?

by which i'm implying that we should struggle in our own livves to realize that love for the world and for other people is not mutually exclusive
in fact, i would argue they are intimate----i love my sister because she made me mor e aware of the world---i like my friends cuz they pop my bubble; i stop seeing the world my way and start seeing the world as we together see it

so fuck you, people who think they cannot do both
buffy didn't stick with her boytoys cuz they were just that, boytoys; she wasn't ready
spiderman was a douche to let gwen stacey die, and it was probly just a way of making mary jane more central to the story, fucking writers
wolverine had to lose mariko to be more tragic, which i think is lame, but probly chris claremont thought was rockin
superman and lois are ginormous tools, but they have in fact stuck together for a pretty long time
dawson's creek was shit in your mouth, shit in your mouth
spies are penuses (why else do they have so many guns?) and thus cannot allow for vaginas not to be penetrated----either that or they are uncontrollable women who must be tamed by their own use of a phallus--their power is thus reined as they depend upon male power structures
ditto cowboys, and eighties heroes for the most part
soaps and heroes? they're fucked, mostly cuz the writers don't actually care about the characters--when they do, they might do a decent job (see astonishing x-men, alan moore, jamie delano, etc)

more generally, i think people just want to live their lives----their lives being determined by the race for more crap, more experiences with fucking, more ex-lovers---everyone needs to have MORE MORE MORE of everything
hello capitalism in modern america, hello overconsumption
and you can't keep fucking around once you find something that means the world to you, particularly a way of seeing the world that actually makes sense in terms of loving people and living up to your responsibilities to the world
once you know what the world is, what loving someone really means, you can't just think of them as commodities
and thus the story-telling that depends upon commodification runs into a roadblock---with solid characters, the characters themselves unsettle the narrative--they tell you to stop reading their story, stop buying the books, because there is a place for you in the WORLD where you can be happy being sad, angry, and bored

where someone can hold you, you can hold someone, and you can both fight to make the world better than it is, fight to make the world stronger and more capable of healing than it is

hurt

Cut into

prostrate on the floor, I baubled
into your lion-shaped heart
thinking it my own, thinking it
blue and orange, circled by
purple aortic tunnels

prostrate on the floor, wronged,
I traced the sound of it, the words over construction
paper, the hand around my vascular tissues,
the beat that constricted my own, that told me
not to breathe, not to beat so loudly on my own

bent over the bed, I knew the cold
chill of a winter morning when the sun
showed so bright, the lakes melted into sweat and
the arctic died. For you and for your desire,
the world transformed, beached whales and empty bottles

bent over the bed, I would have jammed my life into you
had I known you wanted so long, to be dismembered
by the past, to lose every grain for the dream of a beach,
my hands disappeared for his organ in your blanket. I know
the grains, I hold them, I love them, I breathe.

Prostrate on the sand, I waved goodbye with the winding
wind and you didn’t notice, carelessly tracing the shape
of my lion shape with the knife you’d used to cut it out.
But my heart is no lion and your mind is no knife. We
were waves finding solace in the shore, but instead of forgetting,
falling limply into this moment, I remember the years.

art, supposedly

a song i been listenin to

sarah harmer -- lodestar

Out of the night, into the water,
We push the boat from shore.
Breaking the air in the stillness of the bay.

Intensity of stars reflected in the harbor,
Silently ignite.
The oar dips in to oil like water and we,
Are away.

Your hand won't write, not tonight,
But your mind may wander.
Into those deep lagoons that you know.

And your boat will go, by starlight alone.
"Da da da da da da da da"
You sang to the moon.
In the great black night with no lodestar,
In sight.

Out in the night, out on the water,
We pull the boat back to shore.
Breathing the air in the stillness of the bay.
Intensity of stars reflected in the water,
Silently ignite.
The oar dips in to oil like water and we,
Are away.
Under the moon,
In the great black night with no lodestar,
In sight.

And wait for it,
There are only two things now.
This great black night,
And the fire glow.
Listen, the darkness rings,
The darkness.
Listen, the darkness rings.
And wait for it,
There are only two of us now.
This great black night spooked out,
And this fire glow.
Listen, the darkess rings,
The darkness,
Listen, the darkness rings.
Take off your pains (face, things),
And listen, the darkness rings

a 2-parter that may be cheesey

part 1:
why im' missing you

Hmmm, i've been pondering this...i have not missed my friends this much before
but then i've never had so many friends before, or, rather, not so many people i really can't believe that i know and who know me
it's just like, whoa, i know these people? THESE people?
does that make me cool?
or at least that's my train of thought
plus yer all so all over the place, not a one of you in the same state as the others
like i was thinking, when i go to ann arbor to take japanese classes this summer, i'll only know 4 people there (sherri, phoebe, cristina, and jack)
and then my parents of course

it's so strange, i guess, for there to be people for me to miss
yeah, i guess that's it

part 2:
some of what gives me strength:

i am standing on a wooden thinger that goes out over lake michigan and the sun is setting and there's a man and his son standing off to the side of me, on the right
and i think, i could jump in there and die of hypothermia, it's so cold!
and i think about it some more, and i look at the sunset, and then i turn around and see my dad walking down the dock or whatever it is to tell me about the metal thing behind me that used to be a small lighthouse thing, and my mom is sitting in the car with the heat bursting out of the vents like some sort of heart pumping warmth
and the cliffs are ORANGE with the sunset, like some old painting that i wouldn't like on a wall, but which, in life, is beautiful, stunning, breat-take-away-ing
i stand there and then watch the sun fall under the water, changing from large eye to half circle to piece of mostly eaten candy to a strange aura of red

i am sleeping in a strange bed, and everything is white, but i'm staring at teh ceiling
and i'm not awake, i'm on the verge of being awake, fading in and out of sleep and there's a noise i recognize, that if i put my finger on it, the whole world would make sense and i would say 'oh' and breathe deeply
and then i know it's tori amos, and someone is playing that first album on piano, albeit not perfectly, or even well at points, and i know them and i will walk up the stairs and say hello and eat indian food and the day will flow like words out of some poet's mouth
i will wake up, but for now i am on the verge of sleep, on the shores of reality, unencumbered, listening to someone play familiar songs over and over until the whole world makes sense, and thinking 'oh' i move the sheets

i am sitting by some body of water, both lake michigan and the muddy lake up north and the lake at NELP and i don't know anyone's names because the people are not all the same and none of the them stick, like feathers on sand
i know that i'm talking and they're talking and mostly i'm offended, but generally i just laugh it off and know they are intelligent and cool and we're having fun
and then, looking over the water, everything is clear and i'm me at some particular moment staring in darkness or the waves of lake michigan, or the constantly different sunsets of maine or the whole entire world
and all i can think is 'hot damn' or something equally vapid of meaning in comparison to mountains and rivers and valleys and streams (or for that matter, flesh and blood and muslces and everything working as one)

i am walking in ann arbor with a beautiful, incredibly intelligent woman, and we are going somewhere to do something (to eat? to watch a movie?) and we both look up at the same time to see the sun peaking through the clouds like some thought the world had ("i remember the paintings that people have painted of me and so i'll be that today")
and she says "it's like clouds in a painting" and i think
my god, i have been waiting my whole life for someone to say what i would say or merely share a perspective
so that i could know that i'm not crazy, that i won't end up like my aunt pat, isolated and dangerous in an old farm house surrounded by suburbs
and i agreed with that woman, and we walked on,

and i have never stopped thinking how amazing it is to know people who are so strange and wonderful and full of surprises and sameness all at once

HAPPY EARTH DAY!!!

i tried to go to an earth day festival with build=your=own sculpture out of old building materials and free food and concertage and other various fun environmental things...
but i guess it only lasted an hour(!!!??) cuz when i got there at 3 (it started at 1:30), there were just a bunch of faux-hippies (college students who like to get high) and some BAD music, along with some okay-looking face-painting and a table for the local anarchist bookstore
!!
so instead i went to the co-op, got a sandwich, a white tea drink, and a cookie and had a picnic on my favorite peninsular picnic area in town, where i could safely watch either birds or humans without too much gawking by those i was watching
and it was pretty fun
plus i went to guitar lesson before, and i need to PRACTICE more, but i almost forgot i had a lesson today cuz i was weaving all night last night and i was writing a paper until wednesday, and then in between i was unconscious

but anyway, i'm gonna weave for 2 more hours, go home and read for a few hours while doing TONS of laundry, watch a movie with my dad (who is randomly in town as he's delivering my grandmother's old car to my sister and taking her car back to michigan to get it actually fixed as her mechanic FUCKED IT UP big time), and then get up after sleeping FOREVER and read another book or two, go see silent hill with that crazy cat matt (from work, he reads/used to draw comics and loves horror flics, of the good variety of course) and maybe watch family guy
then tuesday i have a final class/potluck, three papers to write (each only a page, chill!), and one final paper due on may 1st
meanwhile, i need to figure out if i have a job or not this summer (i have one, but for when i'll be in a2, so i have to switch with a co-worker, none of whom are very confident so they just get indecisive, plus there's an ASS at work who's tryin to switch as well, but only becaue he wants to NOTWORK the second semester...which just makes me look bad cuz he's already asked everyoen)

argh, i hate asses, plus i miss you
dave, ryan, brooke, thea, and avani!
i hope you are all well, and enjoy what i hope is also a beautiful earth day where each of you are (although i know brooke's pretty hot today since her a/c broke)...

I LOVE THE EARTH!!!

this weekend past

my family came for easter
plus mysister's friend mikey garn, who rocks
and we had so much fun, my heart almost broke
literally; i had a heart-racey episode for the first time in years, and it scared me to death because i couldn't get it under control and my heart still hurts from all the scary racing and pumping WAY too fast
so i am getting insurance so the next time it happens, i can actually go to the hospital without worrying about being unable to get insurance at a reasonable price...(due to preexisting conditions ie heart problems)

and here's a poem about it


something so small

I picked pink lilacs on thursday
still on monday they are gone
scented deadly by a longing
for the clock to hold its hand
the same flesh-like emotion
my mother holds when i am scared
my heart shuddering in its chambers
a thousand children high on candy or
the sound of stars unfolding into galaxies

i close my eyes
i hear the sound

I gathered violets in the green
friday noontime in wilting sun
still on monday they have gone
a tidal gentleness of longing
poor substitution for grace or love
hold me in the darkest light or leave me dry
soaking in gingerale, petals wilting
(you can be me when i'm gone)
a darkened lingering on a polaroid
a heart pounding ten beats for every one

(hold my hand)
i hear the sound

i've placed dried flowers over every thing
a careful embroidery of life and debt
engulfing nostalgia in a frame, cutting us out
the photograph forgotten, the journal burnt
saturdays i place forsythia on the table and pray
for hand-holds, for green grass, for fire
(place the cream cheese in the celery and run)
as long as i am torn up, golden flowers will grow
still on monday, i am gone

the eager hawk rips the chipmunk
(my heart is a hummingbird)
galaxies collide; i hear the sound

what i've actually been up to...

so my emo rantings tend to obscure larger pictures: thus, here's what i did today:
1. ate nuked organic pizza and took a long shower
2. ran in and out of the house several times trying to figure out which coat would be most practical given the strange weather (51 but sunny and warm)
3. walked to clock shop, after catching bus, and picked up swiss watch that my mom washed in teh washing machine and thus destroyed (5 years ago) after it had been fixed for the nth time (this time they fixed it good, even having it brought back in when it went bad once, for free)
4. went to bass guitar lessons, setting up payment on my debit card, and releanred stuff (frets, notes, letters, how to hold guitar, how to play it, etc, and the fact that i need to decide how i want to learn it)
the instructor was nice, but kinda lame, expressing his joy with being dull and married..but frienly enough and intelligent
5. freaked out in my mind over teh fact that i don't have a summer job for sure yet...need to apply to stuff, but the whole FREAKING town of grad students and not-students are applying for all them jobs, and i'm barely qualified for much of anything...
6. went to the co-op to get a drink, came out with a discoutned, day old salad and a cookie as well as a raspberry cream soda
7. spotted/heard pretty good strokes-ish band on the green in front of the union, walked past it feeling self-conscious of the guitar on my back, and stopped at a picnic table in the middle of a stream (on a peninsula) to eat my grub, which was tasty, tho i didn't have a fork
8. vegged out, absorbing the sun, the wind, the music in teh distance, and the trio of older people staring at me who were wading in teh stream...they went away soon thereafter
9. walked to the fine arts building, avoided eye contact with cool-seeming person when i probly should have nodded my head, and then went to the fibers lab to make a warp and lash it on
10. did the latter, while avoiding contact with mildly-irritating male student, who at one point offered that i should use a tapestry brush if i was doing tapestry, to which i replied that i'd gotten used to just using the reed (and thus avoided insulting the fact that he'd offered me a tapestry brush as 'this thing' and for a rag-weave that doesn't require such a tool)
11. left, walked home, thought about taking the bus cuz i was feeling chilly and carrying the waste from the picnic (so i could recycle it), but decided i could use the exercise
12. thought more about job problem, as well as about next weekend, when my sister (ml) and my parents are coming for easter...with me as host
13. found package from my parents, full of candy and a rubber ducky
14. looked at rubber ducky, confused, called my mom, and discovered that she thought it would be a good easter decoration
15. ate candy, told my mom she should call me back when she'd finished watching her mystery flic as she was clearly not listening to me
16. searched for hellblazer comics on ebay...i have almost the full run of jamie delano on said comic (only lacking 20-27, minus 22)...found some things, bid on three, lost on one, waiting outcome of others...
17. talked to my mom, who called my land line, while making mushroom-based pasta, with extra-grainy, touch 10grain bread from the bakery down the street
18. ate food while watching monty python's circus on pbs...watched something i can't remember, wished i was watching dr. who or farscape, and then read y the last man volume 1
19. looked at prices of volume 2, decided to borrow from friends or use the library cuz i'm poor (volume 1 cost 6 dollars at my local comic book store...yay!!)
20. thought o emailing ryan to ask to borrow them, decided he probly didn't have them in nyc nor the money to send me random books i want to borrow, and looked at his blog
21. found it hard to read his blog, as my brain started doing things, and decided to detail the day i'd lived on my blog
22. did so
23. looked at alex with irritation as he bit me affectionately for the upteenth time and then decided it is indeed a good thing to live with a cat, even one so damn loving...ugh
24. listend to train in distance and clicked 'publish post'

post-post-modern life

reality is constantly changing; it's negotiated by self and society
and more than that

i dream that i am standing in front of a mirror
night after night
sometimes i just stare
watch my self unfold
bearded me, younger me
smarter me, there i am, the me that's watching me
once i shook my head back and forth (as if to say no
as if to reject the whole notion of dreaming of a mirror)
i stood in the reflecting water-surface
laughing, cackling like some dream-witch, but me
very much me, and i also watched
the me that shook his head, that tried to pull away
i laughed at myself, to myself, wondered
at the ridiculousness of my life
the seriousness with which i frowned
and shook my head some more

reality is that a storm came through friday
and i ran until my legs wouldn't work anymore
i ran and ran
i almost thought i was struck by lightning
my heightened emotional state the final click in the computer
that is the universe, the final registration
before death, and then i was home
standing in the doorway
wishing i were still running, still with purpose

reality is a storm that came through tonight
i sat in front of the television with alexander on my lap
i tried to pretend the world was far away
the wind that howled through the sky outside
could not in fact be the wind that howled outside of me
inside of me
i hid in front of the television and waited for tornado warnings
until the only thing left to watch was the shocked news correspondents
whispering and twittering like insects aroudn a lamp post
in may

reality is me sitting in front of this computer
wishing i could skip through all this grime and shit
to be standing next to you

reality is the water on my window screens
the currents between here and there

google 'em

so
instead of doing something useful, i googled people i knew in high school
mostly cuz there was this girl i dug who i wanted to check up on
she failed/went to community college when she wanted to go to UM
anyway, turns out 1. my old best friend has a website up proclaiming himself incredibly hot and asking any woman who lives up to his requirements (there's a list, including not being crazy, a stalker, or wanting anything more than sex) to contact him for sex...2. two people i knew who were jerks have stuff on myspace.com, where it's just weird cuz they look like the same dumbasses and talk like it too, but they're pictured with ties and wifely looking (ugly tho) women
3. an old friend, who treated me like crap once and who went to UM (and who i'm pretty sure thought i thought he was lame cuz he was poor but really that made me think he was cooler cuz i was surrounded by rich brats at the time (my junior year, ala pre-nelp and avani/marie)) has a full website on graphic design, with a bunch of stuff he's done, including painting/designing the art at a2's trader joe's

mostly, weird
but also addictive
cuz it's creepy
oh, i also saw a pic of my old friend/sorta girlyfriend from grade school
least i think it was her...a. in sorrority, b. acne problems, c. fat
AI!
anyway, hopefully t'weren't her, tho she did get lame once we got to high school, junior year, tho i was never sure why...maybe she had sex or soemthing and it BLEW her mind
haha
i dunno

looking back, i'm so fucking glad i know my friends i know now,
cuz the people i knew then were pretty lame
tho that last guy, the trader joe guy, was really cool...i think he thought i kinda wanted him tho...which made things Weird
plus everyone i knew then was REALLY catholic
cept this one girl who's probly still convinced i'm her stalker
tho i haven't been near her since we graduate high school
wow, that's long ago

anyway, i've gotta go chill/drink tea/read a book/cuddle with my cat
and then it's off to bed for to get to class tomorrow and then off to work and home again to read 3 books over the weekend...
oioioi

(also, i've been reading a bit of hellblazer, the delano run, gotta say i dig it)

is it fear?

i just walked past a black guy raising money for the homeless who said 'save a life?!' to the bland apathy of the students walking by
and i said 'sorry, got nothin on me'
but i did, i just a. figured i couldn't really spare it, b. reacted to him like i would to a panhandler, and c. was shocked
i should have stopped, asked him what it was for, given him a dollar if i had it, apologized if i didn't
but i was scared

our modern world is based upon fear
or so many would have us believe; v for vendetta tells the story of a not-too-distant london that more resembles modern US than any scifi i've read
altho it does little for the original voice of the graphic novel, the film really effected me, not only because it spoke of love as powerful, as powerful as destruction, and not merely as emotional, pukey sentiment
but also because i saw myself in evey hammond
which i didn't see in the book; she was too weak, too insipid and trusting
but there was a fire, a weakness in the film that i found believable
and that i saw in myself

i'm scared to death of the future
i was scared today that my dollar might be needed this summer, when i may or may not have a job
i'm scared of the riots in paris, where people are beating fellow protestors all in some mindless fight to be able to live the 'dream' of suburbia
we don't want to be alive anymore
we want to be dolls in houses that we can't get out of
but at least no one can get in

v for vendetta might not be right about some things
for one, it's often cheesey and a lot of the cool torture parts of the book are gone
(tho thank god it's not so masterbationally moore)
but it's right about america, about maybe the whole wealthy world
we know our success is standing on teh top of bodies and corpses and ruins
we know it's a careful balance we hold, that at any moment, we could descend into the pits of despair from which our profit comes
we know that bush could come into our homes and arrest us if someone made up a lie about something we didn't do, that witch hunts are very modern, that suburbanites would rather skewer an environmentalist than see the effects of their actions

i was so scared of him, asking me for money, that i walked right by
because i'm aware, i see the world, i want to change it
but i'm too scared that i'll lose what i DO have in the process
so i can't help but think that we could all use what evey hammond got, a little awareness of the fleeting nature of all things but that 'last inch'...tho because i know this concept, because i understand it, shouldn't i be able to live my life with the awareness that no matter what happens, what people take, what falls apart, there is always something beyond humans, there is light and life and the black love of the universe...?
shouldn't i be able to walk back there, give the guy my dollar, and not worry whether or not i ever make it to that bungalo in the sun with the girl of my dreams?

i was afraid, i am afraid, and that's why i'm not so motivated to contact any activist groups, to join their protests,
because the little life i lead is so precarious,
because i don't think that those people in v for vendetta, if they were real, would have joined together to oust the big bad, because i don't htink i would have either..
because all our little lives are so precarious, because we are so intertwined with our flesh, because we've forgotten our roots in the soil, in the earth, in the air, in the galaxy...
because we are so fragile,
i am afraid
and i don't know what to do

gloss-y

haven't posted in a while
been in A2 visiting friends and family
saw sherri and cristina mezuk, but that's it...thea was too busy with work, emily never returned my call, and phoebe is coming to the very last minute in terms of finishing her new comic
but i had a good time with my parents
got a sandman comic, the new neko case, and some japanese candy
plus i got to eat at la chiche which is mediteranean/middle eastern and thus wicked good
i realized that bton is TINY, the restaurants are very limited, there are no REAL cafes (ie they all serve more to diner crowds), and there are much less people here than in a2
thus my people troubles
but i also found myself thinking that i've stopped speaking, stopped being confident here, cuz of whatever reasons
so i'm going to make a conscious effort to speak up
anyway, it's lonely here, and not as nice as i'd like...i almost ran down to the park down the street in my socks and swung on the swing, but there's no one here to race or to swing with or with whom to talk about things
or laugh with
or take photos with
it's very dull
all the more reason to shout to the skies until someone cool hears me
anyway, i'm listening to bob dylan
eating baked chips
drinking chai
wiggling my toes to keep them warm cuz i opened the window
and hoping my dad's lymphoma goes the way we hope
(recently, they discovered that the tumor's are growing faster, larger, etc...and it's a tossup as to whether or not that means 'yay, it's curable' or 'um, yeah, he's got a month or 2'...so, scary)
may the sky turn blue when you read this
and remember that i'm waiting to see you again

snort

i had intended to say something profound
but i'm all drained of inspiration...
i'm at work and wondering...
wandering
flundering
blundering
i'm playing they rhyme game from the princess bride a lot latelly...and reading lotsa graphic novels too, tho i don't have to buy them cuz i just order them through the library...
i think i ordered v for vendetta, but i can never tell...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
oh dear o h de a ar
what a waaaa a st tte of space
spaaaaaaaccssssssseeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiioooooouuuuuuuuuuu
wow, i'm bored to tears with my life
yet it's rather overwhelming
i have to decide whether to go to um over teh summer for language learning, tho i haven't any funding....so it's looking less and less possible...plus i can work for money if i stay in bton over the usmmer
which almost outweighs the ick that is indiana in the summer time
ugh
and i have to figure out what my thesis committee/topicc are....and other things
but i realized i can't let it get me down
...
okay, here's something i realized:
everyone is trying to impress how very dire the situation is, how much i need to commit to their field, to this to that to marriage to kids to lame to dumb to being irritating
because they ahve already committed themsleves
and not only do i hold the power of potentiality, i also demonstrate a disagreemtn and implicit critcism of their lifechoices/style by choosing to do something else
when they know i'm intellignt, and cooler than them
hm
they know i'm cool so they hate me

therein is logic
and junk
tho it sounds ruther vain

somtimes i wish i was british or irish so i speak in an accent to myself an dunder my breath....

what i need

as of late, I've been trying to convince myself that all my problems boil down to
a. being alone in a city i just moved to after living near family for years
2. spring coming on
c. stress from grad school (anxiety, etc.)

but i can't
plus i read something or no, saw a film that demonstrated that all our problems don't boil down to one thing; we can't solve our lives
life only lasts as long as its lived
so i'm left to assume that it's a combination
that i feel crappy cuz
z. spring is coming on
y. grad school is deconstructing me, and i don't really fancy that
x. i am very much alone, and i very much miss you dear readers, and alex is far too horny right now to be of any use
w. i'm at a crossroads; i think i am afraid at once of both being here and not doing somethin gmore daring/risky/adventurous...that i'm not risking the right things
and (as well as)
i'm afraid that if i don't choose this path, i will make the wrong choice, that i'll be homeless, or jobless, or living with my parents in a trailer somewhere
which is all pretty unrealistic, and yet so very close to real it scares me

i think that, to boil all my problems down to one issue, as i've promised i wouldn't...
i can't seem to figure out what's reality, who defines it, etc
what is real?
my desire to do something for the planet? my desire to live comfortably? desire at its base? sexuality? marriage? children? school? menial jobs and poverty? activism? capitalism or any other social structure?

all i can seem to conclude is that there is a tree outside that is real, and he/she knows the answer, but won't dare speak the words, because then i'd know i know what's real and i didn't realize it before
ie i need to realize that it's all real
hmph

i hate indiana
i don't want to spend the summer here, tho i think i should
i miss my friends, and worry that i'm too snobby at the same time i worry that i'll let my walls down too quickly
i hate the food here, i miss my indian restaurants, and calling up my parents when i'm freaking out to just go grab a root beer or ice cream
i miss feeling alive, i miss spontaneity!, i miss watching cheesey movies with avani and feeling so safe i could scream!
i miss sitting down and not feeling like i need to get back up again and figure out what the hell is wrong with me that i'm here and not doing something better

i need to stop talking, go take a shower, watch a movie for class, and go to bed so i can get up early in the morning for work and take back said movie and grab bagels and SCREAM because i've been bottling
and the air that will rush into my lungs will be real, and that will be enough
for now

bits of wisdom

we all know everything; we just tell ourselves we don't because sometimes it hurts too much to know

hollywood kills good stories (see from hell the movie, argh!)

i am very much alone here, but i'd be fine if i could just forget that i am

apparently, the fibers lab here doesn't use tpins at all, leaving me to wander aimlessly ...

life is not a job, not a path, not a career; these are all words we use to bury the fact that every choice we make kils someone we could have been, as well as, in the case of americans and otehr wealthy people, the people we kill by just living our lifestyle

the world as we know it has maybe 100 years, then the arctic is COMPLETELY gone, among other things (we were only just starting to experience the effects of pollution from the industrial revolution in the mid-90s...much more terrible things to look forward to)

people who don't give themselves the chance to recover tend to hurt their hearts over a lifetime..

i need to take tai chi or i'm gonna explode

what if someone read and imagined so much that they exploded and caused a rip in reality into which everyone fell until that orginal person realized they'd died and that they need to just stop being in order to stop the eventual destruction of all that is...

people here don't talk much; instead, they walk into places, look about like idiots, then disappear as quckly as they came...

don't try to take a bus into a strip area in indiana; you'll end up fucked....they tend to have sidewalk until you get within a foot of the intersections, at which point the sidewalk ends so they dont' have to install traffic lights for pedestrians...

indiana is car-centered, ann arbor is people-centered...me want go home

ann arbor is my home

i want to go to europe

jerusalem garden tshirts are ade by american apparel!

the people you love will always die; the places you love will always go away

life is too short and too beautiful to get caught up in the past and the desire to make things what they were; everything changes, nothing can be born/new/created without the destruction....even breathing, we kill millions of people and dcreatures and moments that could have been

most things are reminiscent of the uncertainty principle in science; you can pin down one thing, but not the other, and vice versa

social sciences blow

married people blow; each other as well as in general

i live because i choose to

augury is no wheres to be found, cept in literature, etc.

so...

so i just spent the last few hours out with some friends, or possible friends
this girl i know from work invited me to her birthday celebration involving seeing kiss kiss bang bang, and i of course said i was interested, and then went today...
and it was fine
when i talked to her, i felt like i made sense, and i had fun
but i just can't seem to shut my mouth
like i was talking to the other guys there and i just couldn't say what a guy is sposed to say...i kept talking about my problems with my department, in that other students are too tightly wound (tho i phrased it more awkwardly)
and i kept coming back to feeling like saying 'i'm sorry, i'm awkward' but i know that's no excuse, and i dont' need an excuse
mostly i just wish everyone hadn't coupled before i meet them, and that if i do meet them uncoupled, they don't assume i want them
honestly, the more grad students i meet, the more i think the kind of woman i would like to meet wouldn't go to grad school, would be far too irritated by its constraints
and so too i'm more and more confused as to what is right, what i ought to do
i keep being pressed into choices, into actions that i would not take normally...i have to define myself as being committed to one discipline, as a good student, as a normal person, as someone worth employging, as a published scholar with innovative ideas
but i don't care about any of that, i'm realizing...i just want to make a difference, i want to change the world, i want to change peoples' lives for the betterment of the world
and yet i'm pushed into being one tiny grad student insecure of his place in the world, missing his parents, longing for his friends, and dreaming that even the people he loves get lost in the tornado that has become his life
one tiny mook in a fancy wine/cheese place having a stranger spot him the cash for food and drink, a stranger who could very well be his cool friend...but i'm so lost, so ... floating that i can't even commit myself to a conversation
because i'm constantly anticipating what others willt hink and do, and yet i'm haunted by my sister's words from a few summers ago when we fought over why we'd been fighting for the last 2 years..."you're anticipating, you're holding your cards up against your chest and not letting anyone else see, you're too busy trying to stay one step ahead of people to give a fuck about them"
and maybe i am, maybe my way of being scared is trying to manipulate others, but at the same time, i find myself in social situations with my mouth running off in the other direction, vomiting my emotions, my self onto the table in awkward lights and situations so that others can see, so maybe someone will point at it and say
"that's beautiful"