i don't know who i am, who i plan to be, or what my hopes/dreams in life are
i remember once wanting to draw, once wanting to weave, once wanting to write, once wanting to teach
right now i just want to cuddle up in bed and wake up to a field of green grass and someone walking towards me, someone i know, someone telling me that we have to get going, that the future is waiting and it's time to start all over again
and move into a wooden house where making mroe friends would be easy
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
donnie darko moment
he stood up.
he looked around him, not recognizing anything, and put on his backback abruptly, trying to feel with purpose. he walked away from where he had been, from the stairs, from the cement starkly lit by the afternoon sun of spring being sprung. the trees in the distance came closer and he realized he was walking to get lunch. passing a tree, he saw a dead squirrel lying at the trunk, another squirrel in the ditance eating a nut, and people walking by.
no one cared. his heart hurt and his mind ached. the world did not make sense so he would try to forget about it, try to remember the story. Kelly Link. The garden of eden, i am your adam madam, madam my adam. Songs on a tape deck and women made of apples.
he passed a pink beetle. when it honked, he forgot it was an insect, seeing the car in it. hearing the guitar of a rambuxious but pretentious musician, he turned to see a bland-looking guy playing guitar with amps-pumped-too-loud and a beard. everyone in indiana wears beards.
he forgot himself again, until he found himself standing in a hallway, familiarly lit, and he could see his own destiny, like a bubble drawn through a large net on a still day, like the large, clear worm things in donnie darko, pulled out before him. he saw it go around the corner, down through the short valley between the union and the downtown and the burrito place. he saw it go to the burrito place and knew that was the only place he wanted to go, that was the only destiny he had.
passing an art store, he wandered in, disobeing destiny, forgeting the clear worm. within moments, he'd purchased something, not sure what until he got to the restaurant with its strong smell of beans and chili. looking at his hand, he saw the red bag, looked in, found the overpriced sketchbook and the case of pencils. he decided he would go back tomorrow and return the pencils. he ate his quesadilla and slowly realized that he had nowhere else to go.
his destiny had filled its desire for the day, pulling him here, pulling him somewhere that felt like home. right then, he remembered that he needed to leave.
he looked around him, not recognizing anything, and put on his backback abruptly, trying to feel with purpose. he walked away from where he had been, from the stairs, from the cement starkly lit by the afternoon sun of spring being sprung. the trees in the distance came closer and he realized he was walking to get lunch. passing a tree, he saw a dead squirrel lying at the trunk, another squirrel in the ditance eating a nut, and people walking by.
no one cared. his heart hurt and his mind ached. the world did not make sense so he would try to forget about it, try to remember the story. Kelly Link. The garden of eden, i am your adam madam, madam my adam. Songs on a tape deck and women made of apples.
he passed a pink beetle. when it honked, he forgot it was an insect, seeing the car in it. hearing the guitar of a rambuxious but pretentious musician, he turned to see a bland-looking guy playing guitar with amps-pumped-too-loud and a beard. everyone in indiana wears beards.
he forgot himself again, until he found himself standing in a hallway, familiarly lit, and he could see his own destiny, like a bubble drawn through a large net on a still day, like the large, clear worm things in donnie darko, pulled out before him. he saw it go around the corner, down through the short valley between the union and the downtown and the burrito place. he saw it go to the burrito place and knew that was the only place he wanted to go, that was the only destiny he had.
passing an art store, he wandered in, disobeing destiny, forgeting the clear worm. within moments, he'd purchased something, not sure what until he got to the restaurant with its strong smell of beans and chili. looking at his hand, he saw the red bag, looked in, found the overpriced sketchbook and the case of pencils. he decided he would go back tomorrow and return the pencils. he ate his quesadilla and slowly realized that he had nowhere else to go.
his destiny had filled its desire for the day, pulling him here, pulling him somewhere that felt like home. right then, he remembered that he needed to leave.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Friday, February 16, 2007
Bake a Cake
Mother of whispers, mother
of sorrow, she sits at a tall table and ponders
the morrow, wait until dinner time,
holding my hand, wait til the broccoli
lies dead in the stand. Then, you may come
to the mother of sorrow, she'll tell you
hope is oven-bound, when she means
we are dying.
of sorrow, she sits at a tall table and ponders
the morrow, wait until dinner time,
holding my hand, wait til the broccoli
lies dead in the stand. Then, you may come
to the mother of sorrow, she'll tell you
hope is oven-bound, when she means
we are dying.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
"half of the time we're gone
and we don't know where, we don't know where.."
today my morning class was cancelled
so i slept 10 hours and woke up and ate a sandwich while reading school closings on my tele
indiana university was closed until noon
i checked my email to discover my other class was cancelled, leaving me with nothin to do
so now i am writing a reaction paper and eating pineapples, freshly cut, while listening to music and enjoying the warm sunshine on my face
feeling warm, seeing the ice on the trees
thinking about playing in snow
powdery and white and wet
and, dare i say, i am smiling
"half of the time we're gone
but we don't know where, we don't know where
...
i am here"
(simon and garfunkel-the only living boy in ny)
and we don't know where, we don't know where.."
today my morning class was cancelled
so i slept 10 hours and woke up and ate a sandwich while reading school closings on my tele
indiana university was closed until noon
i checked my email to discover my other class was cancelled, leaving me with nothin to do
so now i am writing a reaction paper and eating pineapples, freshly cut, while listening to music and enjoying the warm sunshine on my face
feeling warm, seeing the ice on the trees
thinking about playing in snow
powdery and white and wet
and, dare i say, i am smiling
"half of the time we're gone
but we don't know where, we don't know where
...
i am here"
(simon and garfunkel-the only living boy in ny)
City at the End of the Earth
I don't care that you're in California
while I am landlocked in
Bloomington, I want to see
with arms outstretched, our names
calligraphed on a marquis
blue-golden glowing down on a darkened eve
snow falling, I want to hold tight to you
my rope over the edge, the last
stars I count before sleep, the name I pronounce
carefully, when the world is heavy on my back
When I fall, I hear the Earth whistle
"be sweet tonight" please
don't be subtle. Call me up or
barter me with dandelions, rocks,
light bulbs that would be stars, names, because
when the mist clears, when the moon
rises, when the snow is calculatingly piled
my feet tired from many climbs,
falls, and re-climbs, I want to see
our names, a matrix of memories and failures,
half-spoken actions, written near the sky
in some foreign city I have yet to love
When you hold my hands, I can
hear the end of things
and I am not scared of comets or satellites,
or the words that light up a snow-fallen night
while I am landlocked in
Bloomington, I want to see
with arms outstretched, our names
calligraphed on a marquis
blue-golden glowing down on a darkened eve
snow falling, I want to hold tight to you
my rope over the edge, the last
stars I count before sleep, the name I pronounce
carefully, when the world is heavy on my back
When I fall, I hear the Earth whistle
"be sweet tonight" please
don't be subtle. Call me up or
barter me with dandelions, rocks,
light bulbs that would be stars, names, because
when the mist clears, when the moon
rises, when the snow is calculatingly piled
my feet tired from many climbs,
falls, and re-climbs, I want to see
our names, a matrix of memories and failures,
half-spoken actions, written near the sky
in some foreign city I have yet to love
When you hold my hands, I can
hear the end of things
and I am not scared of comets or satellites,
or the words that light up a snow-fallen night
Monday, February 12, 2007
S-N-O-T
I am feeling A-W-F-U-L
I am sick, with a runny/stuffy nose, a fever, chills, muscle aches, and coughing, as well as overall oooginess---this morning i even woke up with that weird crustiness over my eye, after having feverish dreams all night
The worst part is I got it from a friend I helped out when she was sick, who said she would help me when I was getting sick, but she has since turned off her cell phone and disappeared. B-I-T-C-H
I am also VERY close to quitting one of my jobs, as I have yet to start my thesis and get my French langauage qualification
And life is already overwhelming
In short, I am feeling very lonely and crappy and sick
and I have to grade 36 papers
and I have to send a funding application NOW
and I have to go throw up my soul
Scratch that last one...
I am sick, with a runny/stuffy nose, a fever, chills, muscle aches, and coughing, as well as overall oooginess---this morning i even woke up with that weird crustiness over my eye, after having feverish dreams all night
The worst part is I got it from a friend I helped out when she was sick, who said she would help me when I was getting sick, but she has since turned off her cell phone and disappeared. B-I-T-C-H
I am also VERY close to quitting one of my jobs, as I have yet to start my thesis and get my French langauage qualification
And life is already overwhelming
In short, I am feeling very lonely and crappy and sick
and I have to grade 36 papers
and I have to send a funding application NOW
and I have to go throw up my soul
Scratch that last one...
Friday, February 02, 2007
attack of the heart
today, while teaching, i had another anxiety/heart episode
and i kept teaching for an hour after it started, thinking I could just pull through it
which was utter bullshit, but i wasn't exactly in my right mind
what with my heart racing, pulsing light a machine gun, turning me numb and whatnot
and after class, i think i might have just died or something, but my new friend S worked nearby, so i dropped by just to say hello, and ended up telling her what whas happening, so she let me stay at her work, and she hugged me because she felt bad for me, and sitting in a dimly lit room while she worked on her work, my heart stopped beating so fast and so terrifyingly
then i went home and made cookies, mousse, tea, and celebrated a craft night with some friends
"i get by with a little help from my friends"
-the beatles via The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula Leguin
and i kept teaching for an hour after it started, thinking I could just pull through it
which was utter bullshit, but i wasn't exactly in my right mind
what with my heart racing, pulsing light a machine gun, turning me numb and whatnot
and after class, i think i might have just died or something, but my new friend S worked nearby, so i dropped by just to say hello, and ended up telling her what whas happening, so she let me stay at her work, and she hugged me because she felt bad for me, and sitting in a dimly lit room while she worked on her work, my heart stopped beating so fast and so terrifyingly
then i went home and made cookies, mousse, tea, and celebrated a craft night with some friends
"i get by with a little help from my friends"
-the beatles via The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula Leguin
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
minor notes
" I had a dream and you were in it
the blue of your eyes was infinite..."
the magnetic fields - i don't believe you
i exercised for the first time in a public gym, although i took karate classes at a grade school cafeteria...and it was distinctly weird (the gym part)
not just because it was a workout thinger, with weird ass weights, slidey things, etc, basically aerobics in disguise...but also because the woman running it came to me afterwards and assumed that my friend j, with whom i'd come, had made me come, and, even though i told her no, i had come for exercise plain and simple, she pursued said same presumption
thus permanently alienating me, although i'll probably go back next week just cuz it's quality time with j and i know she's ALWAYS busy
i'm obsessed with the magnetic fields, nina nastasia, and the shins right now
it's very interesting
by the by, the new lee hazelwood sucks, but then you probly already know that...his old stuff is good i swear
i'm missing marie right now, and know that i should email her, but i'm severly behind in emails in general, so i should email others before i email a once-close friend who now lives far away
but i miss her, the nights we'd spend baking, the movies, the un-asked-for advice that made me feel far from her and yet closer still---it's strange how you miss people
it's like a scent you accidentally smell from a store you know you shouldn't enter, that memory, because it will consume youa nd you'll forget all the errands and other stores you need to attend to, it'll take away your breath because it's so wonderful
but the store closed so long ago and the hours aren't posted and it's always full of coolerthanyou people who you can't quite read
but the person is worth it, and you know it, and you know you'd drop everything if they asked you to come inside, close the door, just please come and visit
which is partly why i need to call h, why i need to visit h, because she pulled me out of a huge rut and showed me how incredibly possible things are, even when you think you've seen it all
or perhaps i should replace you's with I's
who knows?
today in class i vented, and it felt good, and the prof loved my question
it was lovely
("...and when you come down, I will be at the door, the light will be on, and we will open the door, open the windows, let the wind blow through while we cover truth with blankets, television with fires")
the blue of your eyes was infinite..."
the magnetic fields - i don't believe you
i exercised for the first time in a public gym, although i took karate classes at a grade school cafeteria...and it was distinctly weird (the gym part)
not just because it was a workout thinger, with weird ass weights, slidey things, etc, basically aerobics in disguise...but also because the woman running it came to me afterwards and assumed that my friend j, with whom i'd come, had made me come, and, even though i told her no, i had come for exercise plain and simple, she pursued said same presumption
thus permanently alienating me, although i'll probably go back next week just cuz it's quality time with j and i know she's ALWAYS busy
i'm obsessed with the magnetic fields, nina nastasia, and the shins right now
it's very interesting
by the by, the new lee hazelwood sucks, but then you probly already know that...his old stuff is good i swear
i'm missing marie right now, and know that i should email her, but i'm severly behind in emails in general, so i should email others before i email a once-close friend who now lives far away
but i miss her, the nights we'd spend baking, the movies, the un-asked-for advice that made me feel far from her and yet closer still---it's strange how you miss people
it's like a scent you accidentally smell from a store you know you shouldn't enter, that memory, because it will consume youa nd you'll forget all the errands and other stores you need to attend to, it'll take away your breath because it's so wonderful
but the store closed so long ago and the hours aren't posted and it's always full of coolerthanyou people who you can't quite read
but the person is worth it, and you know it, and you know you'd drop everything if they asked you to come inside, close the door, just please come and visit
which is partly why i need to call h, why i need to visit h, because she pulled me out of a huge rut and showed me how incredibly possible things are, even when you think you've seen it all
or perhaps i should replace you's with I's
who knows?
today in class i vented, and it felt good, and the prof loved my question
it was lovely
("...and when you come down, I will be at the door, the light will be on, and we will open the door, open the windows, let the wind blow through while we cover truth with blankets, television with fires")
Monday, January 22, 2007
enviro-frenzy
today in class we discussed the need to reframe human rights in terms of collective and individual responsibilities
as well as in terms of more contemporary issues such as environment, politics, statehood, economics, etc.
and the students settled on human rights issues as individual-based, where individuals pursue only economic concerns in terms of their responsibilities to other humans
i almost got to make the point that while we were all sitting there contemplating, one girl even saying that no sweat was going to hurt women by taking certain actions, activists were accomplishing things, or at least attempting to do so
ngo's, activist networks, etc have done more than a bunch of academics-in-waiting sitting in a room and being pained aobut the idea that they might be bad people for not doing more for other people have ever done
even if there are problems, even if there are disadvantages, our world is calling us to act, person by person, plant by plant
to not act is to choose murder
to not do anything is to erase your own existence, that of your children/family/friends, that of your entire race, from this life
we will die if we do nothing, and i hate that people just fail to see that inaction is an action in and of itself...
as well as in terms of more contemporary issues such as environment, politics, statehood, economics, etc.
and the students settled on human rights issues as individual-based, where individuals pursue only economic concerns in terms of their responsibilities to other humans
i almost got to make the point that while we were all sitting there contemplating, one girl even saying that no sweat was going to hurt women by taking certain actions, activists were accomplishing things, or at least attempting to do so
ngo's, activist networks, etc have done more than a bunch of academics-in-waiting sitting in a room and being pained aobut the idea that they might be bad people for not doing more for other people have ever done
even if there are problems, even if there are disadvantages, our world is calling us to act, person by person, plant by plant
to not act is to choose murder
to not do anything is to erase your own existence, that of your children/family/friends, that of your entire race, from this life
we will die if we do nothing, and i hate that people just fail to see that inaction is an action in and of itself...
Thursday, January 18, 2007
if you turn to me
you will find me running home every night to escape the sleepiness that pursues me
and tonight i''ll sleep and dream
tomorrow, i'll find some way to make this life a life that's been lived
and maybe a new friend will look me in the eye as well
(i'm listenig to The SHins: Oh Inverted world! specifically New SLang)
i take those harsh words back
i take back my last few entries
perhaps it is too late, perhaps the words have already been utterred...
what do you think?
and tonight i''ll sleep and dream
tomorrow, i'll find some way to make this life a life that's been lived
and maybe a new friend will look me in the eye as well
(i'm listenig to The SHins: Oh Inverted world! specifically New SLang)
i take those harsh words back
i take back my last few entries
perhaps it is too late, perhaps the words have already been utterred...
what do you think?
Friday, January 12, 2007
i dreamt
that there were 45 to 200 some comments on each of my blogs, and i had to go through each and everyone of them to find the ones that mattered, the ones that were actually comments from people, not just ads or spam or whatever the f*** those things are
and then i woke up, my body curled up inside a tangled mess of sheet, blankets, and quilt, as well as a cat, somewhere by my left leg, warm and purring
and then i woke up, my body curled up inside a tangled mess of sheet, blankets, and quilt, as well as a cat, somewhere by my left leg, warm and purring
flashback
"there's no mist here" he says, turning to look you in the eye
you are walking down a utility road in the middle of state park in Southern Ohio. looking ahead of you, there are two figures in the distance, seemingly flirting. Their body language speaks of a common desire to be spirited away by their mutual desire, but you are only irritated.
"yeah, i guess it's clearing up," you say, trying to build the conversation. Earlier, you insulted his girlfriend, not knowing he was napping just inside, hearing you through the window on the porch. It had been early afternoon, your first day here, your first day adjusting to being somewhere else after having just left your vacation at home, in your parents' house. Looking up, you wish the night were not quite so thick, although the moon shatters the night with a glow. The world feels hungry to you, like life is waiting around the next curve in the road to spirit you away as well.
"then again, maybe not," he says, your tall friend, the man with a beard to cover his otherwise ugly face. You have never seen his face without facial hair, never met him before a few years ago. He is your sister's friend but he feels like your own older brother, like the kind, guiding knowledge you never knew. In the distance, the mist has consumed your companions, and you are mildly pleased. Remembering to be kind, to take all things as motion, as wind in the trees, you let that pleasure go.
"So where are you living now?" you ask, ready just to be in this moment, watching the moon lay down the trees and all the darkness to sleep, quilting you as well into a constellation of moments.
you are walking down a utility road in the middle of state park in Southern Ohio. looking ahead of you, there are two figures in the distance, seemingly flirting. Their body language speaks of a common desire to be spirited away by their mutual desire, but you are only irritated.
"yeah, i guess it's clearing up," you say, trying to build the conversation. Earlier, you insulted his girlfriend, not knowing he was napping just inside, hearing you through the window on the porch. It had been early afternoon, your first day here, your first day adjusting to being somewhere else after having just left your vacation at home, in your parents' house. Looking up, you wish the night were not quite so thick, although the moon shatters the night with a glow. The world feels hungry to you, like life is waiting around the next curve in the road to spirit you away as well.
"then again, maybe not," he says, your tall friend, the man with a beard to cover his otherwise ugly face. You have never seen his face without facial hair, never met him before a few years ago. He is your sister's friend but he feels like your own older brother, like the kind, guiding knowledge you never knew. In the distance, the mist has consumed your companions, and you are mildly pleased. Remembering to be kind, to take all things as motion, as wind in the trees, you let that pleasure go.
"So where are you living now?" you ask, ready just to be in this moment, watching the moon lay down the trees and all the darkness to sleep, quilting you as well into a constellation of moments.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
getting into the groove
"so let go
let go
jump right in
what are you waiting for?
it's all right
cuz there's beauty
in the breakdown"
this is my life and i intend to live it
on my mind: garden state (the soundtrack)
and my future potential lives
let go
jump right in
what are you waiting for?
it's all right
cuz there's beauty
in the breakdown"
this is my life and i intend to live it
on my mind: garden state (the soundtrack)
and my future potential lives
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
home again
but who the hell would call this home?
i came back to bton and started balling in my apt with my sister because i got here and hated my apartment...it's like some fat, overly smushy, fluffball of a person lives here and i'm just visiting
i dunno...but i think maybe i'm changing too fast for my surroundings (my apt. mostly, bloomington too, or maybe there's something else bothering me)
i'm also getting sick again
mostly, i'm missing that burning sense of irritation you get that is at the same time joy at having other people around, eating your food, messing with your stuff, forcing you to do stuff you wouldn't normally do, making noise, suggesting things
i'm terribly lonely
but there's alex, at least, who continues to irritate and love in the same breath
tomorrow i teach...blargh!
i better get my geese in order
i came back to bton and started balling in my apt with my sister because i got here and hated my apartment...it's like some fat, overly smushy, fluffball of a person lives here and i'm just visiting
i dunno...but i think maybe i'm changing too fast for my surroundings (my apt. mostly, bloomington too, or maybe there's something else bothering me)
i'm also getting sick again
mostly, i'm missing that burning sense of irritation you get that is at the same time joy at having other people around, eating your food, messing with your stuff, forcing you to do stuff you wouldn't normally do, making noise, suggesting things
i'm terribly lonely
but there's alex, at least, who continues to irritate and love in the same breath
tomorrow i teach...blargh!
i better get my geese in order
Friday, January 05, 2007
a list of things i remembered/realized
-i am defined by the actions that i take, although there are certain aspects that remain relatively constant over time
-family is people you can say what you're thinking to, at least in part
-if this is the path i am choosing, then this is MY world, and the people i refuse to recognize as my friends are just that
-we are in part the sum of our parents' ambitions
-being alive is a scary business, what with all the guesswork involved
-living is about finding a life that balances the multiple lives that one wants to live, the multiple concerns at hand, most effectively and healthfully, and then finding out if you're strong enough to live that life
-this is living; i can't keep waiting for my life to begin
and
-i am not the baby brother anymore
so that's a short list of things i've come to realize over the last 2 and a half weeks
i also finally managed to experience that warm sense of place that i've been looking for that leaves me happy and peaceful and serene without the boiling knowledge in my stomach that everything comes to an end
although it did take place over 4 days of being extremely ill with a cold at my parents' house....mostly thanks to my sister sara and my rents
may snow fall soon
-family is people you can say what you're thinking to, at least in part
-if this is the path i am choosing, then this is MY world, and the people i refuse to recognize as my friends are just that
-we are in part the sum of our parents' ambitions
-being alive is a scary business, what with all the guesswork involved
-living is about finding a life that balances the multiple lives that one wants to live, the multiple concerns at hand, most effectively and healthfully, and then finding out if you're strong enough to live that life
-this is living; i can't keep waiting for my life to begin
and
-i am not the baby brother anymore
so that's a short list of things i've come to realize over the last 2 and a half weeks
i also finally managed to experience that warm sense of place that i've been looking for that leaves me happy and peaceful and serene without the boiling knowledge in my stomach that everything comes to an end
although it did take place over 4 days of being extremely ill with a cold at my parents' house....mostly thanks to my sister sara and my rents
may snow fall soon
Friday, December 29, 2006
musing, perhaps foolishly, even cheesily
i am sitting in beaner's on liberty, just next to the michigan theater, with my sister sara listening to bad jazz
but she has head phones on and is belligerently working on where she will do her rounds for the next year, occasionally calling her friend to check whether she is okay with sara's choices
i am trying to keep it together
it being me
i feel much calmer after taking some anti anxiety pill, i sometiems fail to realize how much stress gets in the way of my being me, how much it just overwhelms my senses, until all that i can feel is a great big weight on my chest, like a ghoul or a demon summoned from the depths of space and time
i am dreaming of waking up somewhere with hard wood floors and lotsof space, sun shining through the window and i know that someone is coming, someone will soon be here, but i have just enough time to take a shower and put on my new shirt, time enough to breathe and watch the bird's song as it drifts in through the window, time enough to think about which graduate school i would love the best to go to, which adventure i will take on next
it's an actionadventure world and i'm an adventure kinda guy, it's the action that's troublesome, i cannot seem to pull away, to let go of the desire to be safe, to be alone, to let everything fall away because i am scared of it going wrong
i am so scared that it will all go wrong, and normally that fear paralyzes me, keeps me from saying what i'm thinking, keeps me from doing what i know i need or want to do, keeps me still even when the most peaceful thing i could do is to move
i don't know who i am right now
but i think i like him better
hapyu nyu yeahhh!! (stated in a faux japanese accent)
remember this time, to make the time enough
but she has head phones on and is belligerently working on where she will do her rounds for the next year, occasionally calling her friend to check whether she is okay with sara's choices
i am trying to keep it together
it being me
i feel much calmer after taking some anti anxiety pill, i sometiems fail to realize how much stress gets in the way of my being me, how much it just overwhelms my senses, until all that i can feel is a great big weight on my chest, like a ghoul or a demon summoned from the depths of space and time
i am dreaming of waking up somewhere with hard wood floors and lotsof space, sun shining through the window and i know that someone is coming, someone will soon be here, but i have just enough time to take a shower and put on my new shirt, time enough to breathe and watch the bird's song as it drifts in through the window, time enough to think about which graduate school i would love the best to go to, which adventure i will take on next
it's an actionadventure world and i'm an adventure kinda guy, it's the action that's troublesome, i cannot seem to pull away, to let go of the desire to be safe, to be alone, to let everything fall away because i am scared of it going wrong
i am so scared that it will all go wrong, and normally that fear paralyzes me, keeps me from saying what i'm thinking, keeps me from doing what i know i need or want to do, keeps me still even when the most peaceful thing i could do is to move
i don't know who i am right now
but i think i like him better
hapyu nyu yeahhh!! (stated in a faux japanese accent)
remember this time, to make the time enough
Friday, December 15, 2006
just remember you called it all bs....
TILLY AND THE WALL MAKE MY LIFE LIVEABLE
"just remember you called it all bullshit
well it isn't if you stop giving into it
you can walk away"
but seriously
i am listening to the newest album and i swear to fucking god it's the only thing that keeps me going with all the bs and money and capitalist motherfuck and everyone being so far away and things just getting worse and worse in terms of the fate of the world and the clarity of my own desires/goals and fuckall
"all the cracks you see can be repaired
and if you start to fall
we will be there"
now alls i gotsta do is find a we to be catchin me
volunteers?
(he says only sarcastically because he knows you care
after all you're reading this bs, eh?)
"just remember you called it all bullshit
well it isn't if you stop giving into it
you can walk away"
but seriously
i am listening to the newest album and i swear to fucking god it's the only thing that keeps me going with all the bs and money and capitalist motherfuck and everyone being so far away and things just getting worse and worse in terms of the fate of the world and the clarity of my own desires/goals and fuckall
"all the cracks you see can be repaired
and if you start to fall
we will be there"
now alls i gotsta do is find a we to be catchin me
volunteers?
(he says only sarcastically because he knows you care
after all you're reading this bs, eh?)
Saturday, December 09, 2006
juswannabesomeoneelse
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i'm choking at the saddle
i think i blew it
thinkihateitithinkilikeitthinkitasteit
feeling fine
i'm feeling patient
tugging at the seatbelt
youwillruyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwill
runyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwill
i know that the forest is frightening, and the trees they look so scary
and the world really is on fire, and it burns
but i'm here beside you, christmastimeishere, and we can hold the ghosts at bay
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i'm choking at the saddle
i think i blew it
thinkihateitithinkilikeitthinkitasteit
feeling fine
i'm feeling patient
tugging at the seatbelt
youwillruyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwill
runyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwill
i know that the forest is frightening, and the trees they look so scary
and the world really is on fire, and it burns
but i'm here beside you, christmastimeishere, and we can hold the ghosts at bay