spring break announcement

CORRECTION!!!!:
i am going to be in ann arbor starting march 11th, not 19th, through that friday or saturday
so call me if you gonna be in town or thereabouts
sorry for the confusion
i think my school changed its schedule or i fucked things up

the good, the bad, and the cold

board game night was a bust
the first time
i confused the dates; the second time was awesome, tho i didn't make any particular friends...i met a lot of cool peop[le, mostly younger it seems, but NOT IN COLLEGE, ,er at least not grad school
i got to play pirate cove and had fun for an hour or so with REAL people

i keep missing phoebe on aim, which makes me sad, cuz she's so fucking cool...i often feel like i can't possibly be talking to her since she's so talented, but i gotta get over that or else i really won't be talking to her
mostly, i think i just need to get up around 10 on thursdays to catch her on aim...that seems to be when she's on...

i'm going to watch movies, and tomorrow, i'm going to play pool and try to do soemthing for the chinese new year maybe, and saturday i'm going to put some work on the loom and read, and sunday i'm going to read and maybe go see a matinee

otherwise, i'll keep on trucking, reading lovecraft's mountains of madness, trying to finish my application for a teaching assistantship, reading for class, finding a place to live next year, etc etc

so, in short, nothing terribly meaningful in this blog entry, but i wanted to touch base, cuz i'm pretty sure i'll be out of focus for the next weeks, what with 2 concernts (mi and l'au, and andrew bird), my sister visiting, applications coming due for funding, school getting dirty, and work getting busier
plus, i'm starting my new graphic novel, t he one i been talking about for a while, Triptych, volume 1, as well as finishing a story i been working on about the Unnamed...they're both good
tho, first, i should probly finish a story called demons...

anyway, i'm knitting a blanket and watching horror movies, what are you up to?

i'm cold cuz it's winter

or maybe that's a should be

never can tell with global climate change

parental advice

my mother and i were talking on the phoen the other day
boy that sounds lame but she called me to see if i was well after having a terrible virus, and i told her i'd just gotten back from a hike and was feeling short of breath
anyway, i told her about my problem with friends lately
that being that the people i interact with don't seem to be living their lives, they seem to be surviving them.... rather than taking actions as they feel are the right ones or doing what they know they need or want to do, people just do what's necessary to get by
they don't care about breathing anymore, they just let the system do its job and they become computer-beings or somesuch...people just doing what is the least necessary or defining themselves by one label and living their lives without reaching for dreams, or ethics, or morals, or love, or adventure, or risk, or challenges, or anything
and then i tell her i skipped out on two potlocks in favor of being on my own, and i had a BLAST ( i went to the local activist bookstore, bought two scifi/fantasy books, one by gaiman, and then went and read the gaiman one at the local coffee shop with a cup of wonderful tea and some strawberry cake...wonderful night, rather warm, and everyone was SO NICE) and how the people i don't even know are nicer and more considerate than a lot of my supposed 'friends' here (r excluded)...plus, they were more informed about events, and there were discussions i overheard about the environment and social acton and justice and whatnot
and she just says, well good, i'm glad you got to be around people who are 'actually alive!"
an she laughed, and i laughed
and i smiled so big
just cuz i realized i'm not insane
and there are worlds of worlds outside my own world, and things that academe just doesn't cover, and that i really do just need to find people with their feet on their gournd and their mind connected to their heart and lungs and feet

so tuesday, i'm skipping out on my coursework, much like i am right now, nothing terribly or decidedly shirky, but enough so that i can go to a board game night at the activist book store and hopefully make friends with some nice, cool people
so i guess i'm hopeful again
but watch out, i'm sure i'll brood at some point before the end of the week, if nothing else, then over the fact that i have to apply for ai-ships by the 1st, and the fact that i have to find a place to live for next year
why is house-searching so depressing?

anyway, to quote a friend, "the world could end tomorrow, so don't worry,
just go to sleep"

wwyd

what would you do?

when i first came to bloomington, i felt like i'd left behind everything i cared about...and for what? the chance to make more money?
i thought about it and couldn't figure out why the hell i was in grad school, although i've begun to remember why i went to college in the first place: to make a difference, to do something, to prove myself to the universe, to give something back to the trees and the faces and the skies of earth
But there i was, away from friends, from family, from the landscape i loved, and for what? Why, to participate in the ridiculousness of contemporary society? we move to get jobs, we move to find happiness, to get a bigger hosue, to get what we want, to have, to posess..
but i had just realized that what i wanted, what i needed, the life i wanted to live was made up of people, of animals and places
and i wasn't, nor am i now, sure if the mission mattered, if i really wanted to make a difference anymore, or if it was impossible, if the best i could hope for was to just survive, to maybe fall in love and find satisfaction

and then you hit it, the wall, the lack of want, satisfaction...i hit it last summer: i had friends, karate, i felt strong and cool and worthy of life
and then what? what do you do when what you know is right doesn't seem right anymore? what happens when good and evil mix, because they were never separate to begin with, and you just can't tell them apart?

i dunno
i'm asking here

the point i guess (shit i'm not good at this, maybe i should have commissioned a friend to write an essay on how modern lifestyles of migration tend to decentralize a person's self-confidence and self-hood, or soemthing)
the point is

i felt strong and safe and good back there, in a few moments, in some sunshine and rain, and then it blew away on the wind
and i let it go, i decided it was time to move on
which was the right idea, i think
but what do you do when everything you work so hard for just drifts away on the wind in the face of the rock in your hand, the need to do something to make the world better (not for me, but for people, for animals, and plants...not letting my hatred of people cloud my judgements, but working to make the whole planet closer to something stronger, to a moment or two of serenity and wisdom)?

how do you make the planet stronger while at the same time creating a microcosmos for yourself, without getting lost in either world, without losing either self, the hero or the lover?

how do you make a difference without cheating yourself and those you love?

top 10 weirdest things about indiana

at least since I got here...

10.
The main library on campus has no windows, not beyond the third floor, and there are 10 floors...
9.
there is no movie theater that is not a cineplex, except a screening room in a video rental place and a classic theater that only shows old or bad films...
8.
90% of couples here are a combinatio of attractive, skinny, effeminate men and unattractive, fat, masculine women
7.
Bar food is considered a delicacy
6.
Those gay guys in ann arbor? Yeah, well, they're straight here...there is almost no gay population, and the people i have seen in this minority are inevitably the butch, scary variety...which isn't to say that's bad, just odd
5.
No matter where i walk, i receive cat calls from overtly masculine men...in the form of yelps to 'cross the street! yeah!' to 'Owww' to, my personal favorite, 'watch out for that mosquito!' and, my least enjoyed experience, 'are you gay?' but in a kentucky accent...
4.
where are all the minorities? (one of five mexicans i've seen on campus is my only good friend...and there are only a handful of indians...and they're almost all in the business school...)
3.
Birthing is a profound political statement and act of political change...or, at least, most consider it to be such...
2.
People go to bed here at 10pm, and that's a late bedtime...in short, i'm a lonely night owl...whooo! whooo! whooooo will hang out with me!
1.
There was a tornado yesterday, one of the worst tornadoes ever in Indiana. In November.
IN NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!

hello global climate change,
and next time, my top ten list of terms foreign to people in this town,
including gcc as mentioned above, and s and m

oh the wonders of the midwest, the beloved cancer alley...

my country tis of thee...
ah, fuck it
i'm moving to france...

this site's namesake

recognition

i've come to realize that this was probably not the best choice i could have made
but i made this choice, i'm here, and i'm willing to see it through to the end, to my ends..
i don't agree with folklore, i jumped in without knowing what it was, without knowing what the people here would want, would think, would believe about the world
but i've found friends, and other things
even a prof i agree with, find insight in, and am inspired by

but
(here it is, probably the reason i came here)
the one thing i never really allowed to enter my mind that i've come to recognize here
is that nothing's perfect
but not the whole 'nobobdy's perfect' or 'the beauty is in the faulty' or 'i love you for who you are not as well as for who you are' sort of way
more so just knowing that i'll never get anything right
NEVER
that everything that i do will be flawed, will be utterly off in some way, will never be exactly what i want it to be, what it should be
that i can never save the world, not really, because the world will always be on the verge of ending, because that is just a reality i have to accept

that stories aren't perfect, that reflexivity is not perfect, is not something to be striven for in every circumstance
which is soemthing i'm still working on
that ethnography is not inherently revolutionary or 'subversive'

but that maybe i am
maybe the power i've always been searching for is in myself, in my actions
and the discipline is just a glove
just a garish costume, blue and orange and silver,
just a tool, and ethnography is a tool, and reflexivity is a tool

to do what i feel in my bones, to find a way to make thing's less wrong

and it's so very confusing, and i miss the people who used to make things seem so clear
my mom, with her ability to make each moment feel like now, my dad, who just filled me with sight-bleeding anger, my sisters, who stress me out to the point that i forget who i am, my friends, each of whom uniquely makes me feel outside of the world, off in the stars, just basqueing in the light of a foreign star, lying in fields of green grass that i always forget

oh, i hate being sentimental, but i'm feeling sentimental

i hate blogs, too, but look where these words are



basically, i'm doing okay
beginning to understand that i don't know a damned thing
and that no one else really does either
except that everything is human(in human terms), and all that i can hope to do in my life is to create a greater awareness for a few people

so maybe i'm not so okay, cuz that's pretty depressing

in sum, i'm fuckin A confused and noone here seems any less the lost as i, and no one is here to really help me figure out what the fuck is goin down

although conversations with friends certainly do help a shitload...so thanks all

quizliness

while avoiding writing a paper
i discovered two neato quizes

philosophically speaking, what buffy character are you?
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=17325897279428986557

and, how much geek, dork, or nerd are you?
which i don't have the url for, but which you can access from the same site as the buffy quiz, once you take the quiz anyway

here are my scores:::(i don't think the geek/dork/nerd one was right at all!)

Xander Harris
36% amorality, 81% passion, 90% spirituality, 72% selflessness Xander. Loyal, brave, true and passionate. Perhaps the best friend a person could have, always willing to jump into the frey to help out his buddies.

Also, one of the most popular characters in the Buffy universe.


Joe Normal
39 % Nerd, 34% Geek, 13% Dork For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal.

This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast.

I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal.

yay

good news all round
1. i have a job, pays 11 bucks an hour, 10 hours a week, as a writing tutor at the writing tutorial services here at iu
2. my dad got a job, as a math teacher, in a grad school...i think...anywy, yay!
3. i'm having a party friday, yay!
4. i have to do a lot of reading and write a 3 to5 page paper before going to bed early tonight because i have a meeting tomorrow at 10 am...
not so much yay...

anyway, be well all
i promise to write more later
and oh, before i forget, i spent the weekend with my rents, who came down to visit, and we went hiking, to a lodge in a county park, which was cool, antiquing, to a mill for caramel apples, and i saw serenity for the seciond time cuz my dad really wanted to go...

be well

tired of...

WOW
people are so lame
so far
excpet for R and possibly D
i went to see serenity with some peops who invited me along,
and it was INSANELY good
and i thought we'd grab dinner before and then do something after
but they rushed me out of the meeting-bar, so i grabbed something at the coop
which took as much time as the restaurant would have
and then after the movie, they wanted to go somewhere
but after 10 minutes of trying to find a place and then settling at a cafe
(and, by the by, i was the ONLY person there who knew of places open late...)
we spent 15 minutes at the place, then they decided it was time for bed

at 10pm

on a friday

after rushing me through dinner

on a friday

at 10pm

so i had them drop me off at border's cuz there was a deal ml wanted me to pick up on for cds...and they LOST the cd she wanted....they just didnt have a fuckin clue where it could be...

so i went to rent a movie
and realized i was trying to replace my empty social life with movies

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

i swear, it's a fucking pandemic...everyone in this school's grad programs thinks they ahve to be in bed by 10pm EVERY NIGHT and that hanging out or doing ANYTHING fun that doesn't involve school is outright SINFUL

i just want to scream, and then drop caffeine pills into ALL of their coffees and/or teas to keep them awake so that they'll realize just HOW FUCKING LAME IT IS TO USE GRAD SCHOOL AS AN EXCUSE TO BECOME STUPID AND LAME AND LACKING OF A SOCIAL LIFE BEYOND YOUR FUCK BUDDY AND YOUR FUCK BUDDY"S FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then kick them when they're down...

yes, i AM that kind of person.

i'm a bad person

Class was cancelled today so i got groceries and then i was supposed to DO something, but instead i bought a pizza, ate it, drank some saki (which was sooooooo good, and a gave me a buzz that's reddened my cheeks and warmed me to a comfortable state of sleepy half-happiness), some soda, and watched tv.
Now, I have just finished the graphic novel, Blankets, which was toooooo fucking preachy for me. I grew up with that jesus shit, i don't need a rehash, although i guess it was pretty good otherwise...even verging on terribly good. but merely verging...soem of the drawings just felt like they could have gone farther...but overall, i'd give it an A, but with the reservation that it could have been an A++++++++++++++
Anyway, I don't want to read...even though i have to...or do the dishes...even tho i should...or do the million and one things i should do...heck, i don't even want to draw, which is a first in a while...
mostly, i just want to talk to someone, so call me
in other news, Who wants to go travel this summer??? come on, you know you want to!
i'm talkin to you brooke, thea, and ryan...who wants to go to japan!? yeah!
sorry, i'm just bored, wishing i could be traveling or something...
here's the lame part

i'm going to use cookie dough as a metaphor

okay, so i'm cookies
but i'm not done baking
and i'm on this wacked out platter with other cookies
and the other cookies aren't really what i expected, but some are cool
and the platter is awight...but i'm not done yet
and i don't really want to go back in that same oven
i want to try a differen one
maybe one with spices or frosting
or honey or caramel
or something

in other words, i feel like i'm stunted, or stilted, or just plain jilted... i feel like i've gotten to the peace/sense of home/of place that i've always searched for and yearned for, but I AM NOT READY FOR IT
i'm not the cookies i want to be yet...i'm not as complex and elaborately flavored as i'd like to be...

RESOLUTION: after/if i get into phd school,
i'm gonna take a year or two off, if it's allowed, otherwise i don't know what' i'll do
and travel
go to hawaii, visit some of the places in my mom's pictures,
to ireland, to the cote d'azur i've dreamt of for so long, before the dreams die
to egypt, to the pyramids, maybe, to japan
to switzerland and maybe belgium again and to acadia national park and new hampshire and california and colorado...i want to visit all my friends and family
and be alone in places without a safety net
without furniture, without confidence, without walls, without me
to maybe get a better grip on the world, and me, and people
and maybe get some of the experiences, the adventures, that i'm yearning for


resolution2: i shoudl read....
eep, here i go!

"I'm always looking for the sun..."

"It may have been so good
but now it's understood
t'was just a night
If I could turn my heart
and keep it miles apart
from love of beast or man
and never give a damn
If i could learn to lie
and never show my pride
I'd be just like the rest
be someone i detest..."
--The Gentle Waves - Falling from Grace

I miss you guys, all y'all, specially the ones with too much goin on to check this here blog out...
i've met a few people...but it's not friends...it might be some day, but i'm just in that fuzzy area where i miss what i've had, realize there was notyhing wrong with being in a2, but knowing i couldn't be there anymore
i'm glad i left...now i know i can leave, and be strong about it...but i don't want a traveling life..if only because we're supposed to be so mobile for the economy

and i'm fully in grad school...procrastinating work, not reading readings well enough, and half-assing a lot more than i normally would...but still learning SO much...and doubting every single word i say
i'm still not so sure about japan and the supernatural as my focus...i want more of a social justice leaning to it...i want the world to be better than it is...not for me, not for any spawn, but for you, for my parents, my family, my friends, and of course, my friggin cat...

well, i have 60 more pages to read tonight, and a page summary to write...nothing too bad...but then tomorrow i have to go to class for bout 8 hours...yeash...so i gotta go...
altho, just for the record, y'all should pick up sufjan steven's Come on feel the illinoise! or greeting from michigan, or liz phair's exile in guyville
cuz hey, the be the rocks (my version of its the bomb....maybe it'll catch on someday)

one last thing, i'm dreading making friends here because one of the cooler people i met said, "Oh, yeah, when i came here i was a vegetarian, but i'm flexible, and now i eat a lot more eat"...i just wanted to fucking yell at her, "NO< you are not a vegetarian, a vegetarian does NOT EAT MEAT!" but she was sweet, and it would have been rude, and i think she was trying to look cool despite her generally lame-looking friends..who were all right, joss whedon fans and all, but they were all...
GASP!..
MARRIED>>>>>>

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I"M IN FUCKING INDIANA WITH A BUNCH OF MARRIED PEOPLE!!!
and there's a lot less healthy food here...lots more fat...

missin y'all
(specially vu)

woo!

finished my paper due today
still no job
brooke has joined the red cross!
i'll have net at home tomorrow
i get to SLEEP tomorrow
and i am gonna be late for class

that's all folks...
and yes, sufjan is still givin me the blues...
oh how i miss the gray skies of michigan...
(altho undoubtedly it's terribly gross there right now...hello, bizarro land between fall and summer...)

sufjan gives me the blues

missing michigan with a vengeance
the clouds, brooke and thea, ryan, the pines, the trees, the air, the lack of indiana, the reuse center, the smell of lake michigan in the wind some mornings, the blue sky, the walkability of a2
plus side? ned and i did the exchange phone numbers shebang...so i think that makes us closer to being friends or something....i just found it odd because i didn't think i'd proven myself to be cool enough..or something
social policies ar so strange
and sadly, my 516 folklore class on methodologies is turning out to be underwhelming...which is only a tragedy in that it lasts 4.5 hours minus a 45 minute lunch break...lesigh
and altho my asian transnationalism class Rocks...i seem inadequate when it comes to participating, mostly because i have 0 experience with east asia...whereas everyone but me and a Really confident-tiedyewearin guy have been to or came from asia....eep!
but the books are good....
which reminds me, i have 500 pages to read by wednesday...
smell ya later

a whole new world?

well, anyway, today i found out two important things
1. i'm learning JAPANESE!!! whoa! it was either that or take ANOTHER seminar-type class involving reading, writing, and arithmetic
i just don't think i'm up for THAT many classes of an intensive nature
( i say, about to jump into a new, most complicated foreign language)
2.
i forget...maybe something to do with my being utterly incapable of interacting with other human beings?

well, anyway, i say again
i spent this afternoon
-sititng in my favorite coffee shop drinking the cancer-recomended drink (chamomile tea with soy milk and honey) which was Yummy, while reading local papers and then a very good book by ursula leguin
-searching the local bookshop for books...they had a few INSANELY good leguin books, a calvino book for not too shabby a price, some KICKIN occult books, and an insanely cool women's studies area, as well as an overly crowded, but still attractive anthro area
-sitting under an acorn tree, feeling gloomy, while also feeling calm
-walking around...i've found the art museum, the theatre dept, the music dept, the b-school, the honor's college, the african studies building, the lilly library, the main library, various statues of an insanely rich, fat man who donated lots of money to indy univ, the foreign foods strip (consisting of indian, italian, chinese, turkish, and one that was particularly weird, but which i can't remember...oh, tibetan!), the comic book store, the public library, the post office, clothing stores, a watermelon slushi depository, grocery stores, lotsa restaurants, and, oh, right, loneliness....but only minor loneliness
-lotsa limestone...cuz indy has the limestone the white house is made out of...they think they're special...some of the bulidings are WAY pretty, with art deco designs or castle-style architecture....but i am getting bored as HELL with limestone...where oh where is my lovely red brick?!
-a few martial art classes advertised, but as yet no bass guitar lessons
-no job, but lotsa hiring signs...to which i've applied

well, anyway, that's all for now
i'm gonna go home and play buffy vid games then watch too much angel for one human brain to handle
then tomorrow, i'm gonna rinse and repeat, after heading to the mall to see if they have any cheap/good ps2 games...which i hopefully WON'T buy

(in other news, i'm also taking two basically requisite courses...both folklore, both okay, both kinda dull-looking...honestly, i think the one thing my department lacks is an exciting summarizer for what classes will be like
oh, and i'm pretty sure my department head thinks i'm a dumbass...just a sense i got, but it might have just been me bein a putz, which i am quite often, especially in situations wherein i'm obligated to be so)

oh, and thank you ryan for the animal man book, i'm about to start it seein as how i've womped through my hellboy graphic novels, as well as a book i picked up at the local gn (graphic novel) store, Soulwind (which also rocks)

can't talk right now...

I can't write too much...
i have to get to the buildings that have things...like i need to get an iu id and then i have to go open an iucu account, with what i just don't know, but i figure i'll take out money from my savings in umcu...eep
i'm sick...it's official
runny nose, achy back, watery eyes in the morning, sore throat, in short, it sucks
and last night there was a storm SO LOUD and STRONG i thought the world would end...it makes me think i only want to go for the master's not the phd so's i can get out of indy asap...
i DO NOT LIKE tornadoes
and i have central air and i wasn't sure if lightning likes central air or not, so i turned it down til the storm passed
i hope that i don't get stuck in one today
altho i'm maneuvering well enough
i walked around campus and it's Beautiful...but no river...
and yet, i'm sure there is, because there's a valley form that the town sits in...i just wonder where the water is...
anyway, gtg, but i wish you well reader
and may your eyes not grow sore from computer light
(did you know that we used to have the same eye sight from 18ish on, but then some genius invented computers and now we're all going blind as bats,
but without all that kinky-cool sonar...
?)
the world is a scary place

ps
a song lyric for the month
"no matter who or where you are
you've got to be willing"

pps
if you want a copy of either
a. my second most recent graphic collection (includes tabula selenographica, dude's world #3, and the unnamed: Tara)
or b. my most recent (includes a short story called Obolisk, a comic to be determined/written, and The unnamed #1) which won't be done for a bit
then let me know,
and i'll get em to you
i'm already gonna send one to phoebus gloecknerickus
so it's probly not a prob
but i will charge you
either 3 dollars, or you must hang out with me at some point in your life

On Moving

The stillness before it hits


The storm is coming;
I can hear it in the music, the voice
speaking clearly on the stereo, patiently waiting
in her speaker-houses; it is written
in my old pairs of briefs, almost as concisely
as the name would suggest.

And when it’s come, my blood will run.
Notes will come out of my orifices, my mouth
will run dry with lists
and forgotten loved-one objects, that scarcely
remember the hand that handed them to me, delicate,
gracefullly waiting for reimbursment, or
just the gamble of love.

And when it’s gone, I’ll hold no one’s hand, because
the flesh will have blanched, too embarassing
to call out, not dire enough
to alert the neighbors. Everything I’ve been
will fall into neatly dismembered boxes, the vile smell
of the innards of my home, the discarded litter
of living. A photo album that I don’t recognize.
Sheets I never washed, never touched again, only
to remember the stain.

The storm is coming, even the bugs agree, singing
with their gentle staccato love songs in the humid
dark of Michigan. They will not miss me.
By the time I return, they will all be dust. By the time
this has been read,
my life will have rusted over like silk carefully fit around metal,
the art of watching what the stains have been,
and how today has changed everything, a lake forming
on the surface of the earth, the sense
that even if I bleed everything into the ground, darkening
the entire night, only a slight exhalation will remain,
suggesting the frame of someone in a doorway,
the sound of feet in an empty house.

back from the cabin

who is this person that i've become?
part someone i'd like to know, part someone i hate, part someone i've never been able to understand

i keep trying to figure out how i can improve myself, and then i realize so much has stayed the same, that so many pressures, anxieties, and figures in my life are the same...bigger, smaller, or changed somehow but the same

and then i think of the things i've gained...the people i've begun to love
and i feel bad, because i'm still dealing with not being able to feel certain emotions, with not wanting to

i realize now that i relate to Oz/werewolves because they fight to control something just like everyone...but i feel that my darkness is darker than it ought to be...that it could destroy much more than myself
and i wonder if i shouldn't leave, and whether that instinct to leave is just the product of my contrariness
of my need to stay
of my want to have something i've never been able to understand, a family, something that i once had and hated, soemthing i'd like to make my own, to recreate but start over

bloomington's probably a good chance

but for now, i feel worthless, useless...without friends, a person cannot feel secure...there are no hands that i trust enough to catch me when i fall

and the stairs seem much steeper than before

why jaro why?!

jaro
is short for jaromir
and jaro means spring time,
while also having connotations for blue time
which i think is the perfect name for me
what with my melancholy nature
and my love/hate relationship with change/spring