minor notes

" I had a dream and you were in it
the blue of your eyes was infinite..."
the magnetic fields - i don't believe you

i exercised for the first time in a public gym, although i took karate classes at a grade school cafeteria...and it was distinctly weird (the gym part)
not just because it was a workout thinger, with weird ass weights, slidey things, etc, basically aerobics in disguise...but also because the woman running it came to me afterwards and assumed that my friend j, with whom i'd come, had made me come, and, even though i told her no, i had come for exercise plain and simple, she pursued said same presumption
thus permanently alienating me, although i'll probably go back next week just cuz it's quality time with j and i know she's ALWAYS busy

i'm obsessed with the magnetic fields, nina nastasia, and the shins right now
it's very interesting
by the by, the new lee hazelwood sucks, but then you probly already know that...his old stuff is good i swear

i'm missing marie right now, and know that i should email her, but i'm severly behind in emails in general, so i should email others before i email a once-close friend who now lives far away
but i miss her, the nights we'd spend baking, the movies, the un-asked-for advice that made me feel far from her and yet closer still---it's strange how you miss people
it's like a scent you accidentally smell from a store you know you shouldn't enter, that memory, because it will consume youa nd you'll forget all the errands and other stores you need to attend to, it'll take away your breath because it's so wonderful
but the store closed so long ago and the hours aren't posted and it's always full of coolerthanyou people who you can't quite read
but the person is worth it, and you know it, and you know you'd drop everything if they asked you to come inside, close the door, just please come and visit

which is partly why i need to call h, why i need to visit h, because she pulled me out of a huge rut and showed me how incredibly possible things are, even when you think you've seen it all
or perhaps i should replace you's with I's
who knows?

today in class i vented, and it felt good, and the prof loved my question
it was lovely

("...and when you come down, I will be at the door, the light will be on, and we will open the door, open the windows, let the wind blow through while we cover truth with blankets, television with fires")

enviro-frenzy

today in class we discussed the need to reframe human rights in terms of collective and individual responsibilities
as well as in terms of more contemporary issues such as environment, politics, statehood, economics, etc.
and the students settled on human rights issues as individual-based, where individuals pursue only economic concerns in terms of their responsibilities to other humans
i almost got to make the point that while we were all sitting there contemplating, one girl even saying that no sweat was going to hurt women by taking certain actions, activists were accomplishing things, or at least attempting to do so
ngo's, activist networks, etc have done more than a bunch of academics-in-waiting sitting in a room and being pained aobut the idea that they might be bad people for not doing more for other people have ever done
even if there are problems, even if there are disadvantages, our world is calling us to act, person by person, plant by plant
to not act is to choose murder
to not do anything is to erase your own existence, that of your children/family/friends, that of your entire race, from this life
we will die if we do nothing, and i hate that people just fail to see that inaction is an action in and of itself...

if you turn to me

you will find me running home every night to escape the sleepiness that pursues me
and tonight i''ll sleep and dream
tomorrow, i'll find some way to make this life a life that's been lived
and maybe a new friend will look me in the eye as well
(i'm listenig to The SHins: Oh Inverted world! specifically New SLang)

i take those harsh words back
i take back my last few entries
perhaps it is too late, perhaps the words have already been utterred...
what do you think?

i dreamt

that there were 45 to 200 some comments on each of my blogs, and i had to go through each and everyone of them to find the ones that mattered, the ones that were actually comments from people, not just ads or spam or whatever the f*** those things are
and then i woke up, my body curled up inside a tangled mess of sheet, blankets, and quilt, as well as a cat, somewhere by my left leg, warm and purring

flashback

"there's no mist here" he says, turning to look you in the eye
you are walking down a utility road in the middle of state park in Southern Ohio. looking ahead of you, there are two figures in the distance, seemingly flirting. Their body language speaks of a common desire to be spirited away by their mutual desire, but you are only irritated.
"yeah, i guess it's clearing up," you say, trying to build the conversation. Earlier, you insulted his girlfriend, not knowing he was napping just inside, hearing you through the window on the porch. It had been early afternoon, your first day here, your first day adjusting to being somewhere else after having just left your vacation at home, in your parents' house. Looking up, you wish the night were not quite so thick, although the moon shatters the night with a glow. The world feels hungry to you, like life is waiting around the next curve in the road to spirit you away as well.
"then again, maybe not," he says, your tall friend, the man with a beard to cover his otherwise ugly face. You have never seen his face without facial hair, never met him before a few years ago. He is your sister's friend but he feels like your own older brother, like the kind, guiding knowledge you never knew. In the distance, the mist has consumed your companions, and you are mildly pleased. Remembering to be kind, to take all things as motion, as wind in the trees, you let that pleasure go.
"So where are you living now?" you ask, ready just to be in this moment, watching the moon lay down the trees and all the darkness to sleep, quilting you as well into a constellation of moments.

this urban life

has been removed temporarily

getting into the groove

"so let go
let go
jump right in
what are you waiting for?
it's all right
cuz there's beauty
in the breakdown"






this is my life and i intend to live it

on my mind: garden state (the soundtrack)
and my future potential lives

home again

but who the hell would call this home?
i came back to bton and started balling in my apt with my sister because i got here and hated my apartment...it's like some fat, overly smushy, fluffball of a person lives here and i'm just visiting
i dunno...but i think maybe i'm changing too fast for my surroundings (my apt. mostly, bloomington too, or maybe there's something else bothering me)
i'm also getting sick again

mostly, i'm missing that burning sense of irritation you get that is at the same time joy at having other people around, eating your food, messing with your stuff, forcing you to do stuff you wouldn't normally do, making noise, suggesting things
i'm terribly lonely
but there's alex, at least, who continues to irritate and love in the same breath

tomorrow i teach...blargh!
i better get my geese in order

a list of things i remembered/realized

-i am defined by the actions that i take, although there are certain aspects that remain relatively constant over time
-family is people you can say what you're thinking to, at least in part
-if this is the path i am choosing, then this is MY world, and the people i refuse to recognize as my friends are just that
-we are in part the sum of our parents' ambitions
-being alive is a scary business, what with all the guesswork involved
-living is about finding a life that balances the multiple lives that one wants to live, the multiple concerns at hand, most effectively and healthfully, and then finding out if you're strong enough to live that life
-this is living; i can't keep waiting for my life to begin
and
-i am not the baby brother anymore

so that's a short list of things i've come to realize over the last 2 and a half weeks

i also finally managed to experience that warm sense of place that i've been looking for that leaves me happy and peaceful and serene without the boiling knowledge in my stomach that everything comes to an end
although it did take place over 4 days of being extremely ill with a cold at my parents' house....mostly thanks to my sister sara and my rents

may snow fall soon

musing, perhaps foolishly, even cheesily

i am sitting in beaner's on liberty, just next to the michigan theater, with my sister sara listening to bad jazz
but she has head phones on and is belligerently working on where she will do her rounds for the next year, occasionally calling her friend to check whether she is okay with sara's choices
i am trying to keep it together
it being me
i feel much calmer after taking some anti anxiety pill, i sometiems fail to realize how much stress gets in the way of my being me, how much it just overwhelms my senses, until all that i can feel is a great big weight on my chest, like a ghoul or a demon summoned from the depths of space and time

i am dreaming of waking up somewhere with hard wood floors and lotsof space, sun shining through the window and i know that someone is coming, someone will soon be here, but i have just enough time to take a shower and put on my new shirt, time enough to breathe and watch the bird's song as it drifts in through the window, time enough to think about which graduate school i would love the best to go to, which adventure i will take on next

it's an actionadventure world and i'm an adventure kinda guy, it's the action that's troublesome, i cannot seem to pull away, to let go of the desire to be safe, to be alone, to let everything fall away because i am scared of it going wrong

i am so scared that it will all go wrong, and normally that fear paralyzes me, keeps me from saying what i'm thinking, keeps me from doing what i know i need or want to do, keeps me still even when the most peaceful thing i could do is to move

i don't know who i am right now
but i think i like him better

hapyu nyu yeahhh!! (stated in a faux japanese accent)

remember this time, to make the time enough

just remember you called it all bs....

TILLY AND THE WALL MAKE MY LIFE LIVEABLE

"just remember you called it all bullshit
well it isn't if you stop giving into it
you can walk away"

but seriously

i am listening to the newest album and i swear to fucking god it's the only thing that keeps me going with all the bs and money and capitalist motherfuck and everyone being so far away and things just getting worse and worse in terms of the fate of the world and the clarity of my own desires/goals and fuckall

"all the cracks you see can be repaired
and if you start to fall
we will be there"

now alls i gotsta do is find a we to be catchin me
volunteers?
(he says only sarcastically because he knows you care
after all you're reading this bs, eh?)

juswannabesomeoneelse

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i'm choking at the saddle


i think i blew it



thinkihateitithinkilikeitthinkitasteit

feeling fine
i'm feeling patient

tugging at the seatbelt





youwillruyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwill
runyouwillrunyouwillrunyouwill
i know that the forest is frightening, and the trees they look so scary
and the world really is on fire, and it burns

but i'm here beside you, christmastimeishere, and we can hold the ghosts at bay

listen

currently, i'm listening to indigo girls - despite our differences
and when i was finishing the first two apps i had to finish,
i was listening to
the sam roberts band - we were born in a flame
what are YOU listening to? (ie comment!)

another quizy thing

to knit, to breathe

i've knitted 3 scarves in almost 3 weeks
and here's number 4

happy holidays

still recovering from thanksgiving
...
it's astonishing how one really does need a day or two just to recover from 'vacations', especially when they involve family

i just put up my christmas tree
i was remembering when my parents bought the tree for me two years ago
i came home and found this tree with the lights on sitting in my entryway. at first, i was pissed, thinking daphna had moved my stuff and bought a tree i couldn't afford to give electricity to and which was too tacky for my tastes. then she said it had been there when she got here, so i called my parents. i had told them the day before not to buy me a christmas tree unless they could find one for 10 bucks, thinking they could never find one so cheap. but they tell me that of course they'd snuck into my apt while i was at class, although they had actually only meant to drop it off. and of course they had taken it out, put it up on my entry table, and decorated it. and of course they had left the lights on to greet me when i got home.
i miss such sweetnesses.

by the by, if you're reading this, i'm probably making you a scarf.
it's my supervillainous ways...

entangled in a personal statement and grading all night

"i'm going to make tacos from your corpse!"














i have to write a 3 story project, finish grading 40 some papers, and read several articles for said project (and watch 3 movies)

ai!!!!



do you know where you're going to?
Michigan

a whoa oh oh

i said hello to no one's there





















"hello"

belatedly halloween

last eve
the night of the full moon
i threw a party and invited 12 people, only 4 of whom showed, 3 of whom for more than 15 minutes, although i'll indicate as well that the 4th was soaked in mr. pibb by the time he got to my house and thus couldn't stay long...
so it was ok, but i realize how lame my friends are...how much they just put up walls and excuses rather than actually getting involved
and how very much i miss the people with whom i can just say random things or go hang out with by indicating that i'd like to hang out (and if they are unable, they simply say so, rather than feigning some excuse)....how very much i miss the people that i can actually love
(yes, cheese factor rising, but whatthefuck, there's no one here i can say i actually could talk about this shit with)
anyway, i'm lame, i miss my friends/family, i miss waking up and actually wanting to go out into the world, and i also have way too much to do before i can be mopey
also, here's a pic from a halloween party i went to last weekend

a paperwork world

so, yet again, i don't think i can do this grad school shit

is there something wrong with me? i know these people who spend their weekends and weeknights working on school work, reading and writing and applying to things. I spend my weekends goofing off, reading books or watching too much tv, or spending time with friends/family, or doing variuos other relaxing things. I spend my weeknights recovering from not sleeping enough and then don't sleep enough again because i have to do a lot of readings. But i know most of the other people, the workerbees, don't sleep much either, often less than i sleep.
Which is what I don't get. WHy kill yourself over grad school? It's like any other school, learning from experts the knowledge that you yourself could never come up with straight on your own. But then the workerbees tell me i'm ohsohealthy, or my parents do, or my friends do, and that i have a better grasp on reality than the workerbees.

but that seems strange, since professors forget me, or forget my research, or treat me like shit, or treat me kindly but then act like i haven't been talking to them for a bit over a year. my favorite prof just emailed me with a slightly harsh email because i kept fucking up a stupid advising form, that is only bureaucratic bullshit since i'm probly gonna end up changin my classes anyway. ARGH

i hate this whole situation. i want to learn but the people who have to teach me have to be sucked up to so that i can go on learning via their rec letters. but the fact that i'm leaving them means they don't want to write me letters cuz they want me to stay, not even because they like me but because they feel pressured to keep bodies here. i want to be a good student, but the expectations are impossible, especially with all this paper work floating around and the lack of funding. i'm supposed to work two jobs, take two classses, teach two classes, apply to phd programs, and fill out paperwork constantly so that the department knows i'm working on gettign my degree done?????!!!

today, i feel like dropping out of grad school, packing up the few things that i can carry in my hiking backpack and a spare bag, and hiking until i drop dead. at least then i wouldn't have to worry about paperwork (unless i got picked up for loitering or something)